Surviving the Days ... and the Weeks and the Torment.


Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you... I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to... The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete! I do not write for any form of external validation.. What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write... But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words! An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing... It had been locked away after it was used against me... Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Over Again

I woke this morning to Little boy at my bedroom door

"Mum, it's Christmas morning!" his excitement was catching

We spent the morning unwrapping, playing, assembling and playing more

I opened my pressie and choked up, so proud of my boy and his kind heart

Little boy went off to spend the rest of the day (and next 2weeks) with his Dad

I lunched out with my Mum, no cooking or cleaning definitely the way to go

The last two days with family is what it's all about, time and laughter shared

I hope you've enjoyed your Holiday, showing appreciation for those you care for

Don't take for granted those who mean the most, today or any other day!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Life...

I stood beside the bed looking at the frail old man sleeping

His body a shadow of what it was just a few short months ago

The rattle in his chest subsiding briefly only to return again

As I touched his hand and held it, his eyes opened slightly

Recognition showed in his face as he tried to speak

The mumbled words not quite able to break through the morphine

Little boy uneasily reached out and pat the hand on the side of the bed

I leant down and whispered goodbye, kissing the man on the cheek

I left the room almost certain that I will not see my grandfather again.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Uhhh

I've been rather uninspired, kinda, sorta

Perhaps pre-occupied is more the word I'm looking for

I've hardly been able to string two sentences together

I don't know if it's just the time of year or something else

So many moments and thoughts I've considered sharing

Yet I get here and my mind goes blank, emptiness overwhelming

Monday, December 12, 2005

Chameleon

My adult years have taught me many lessons

I've made many decisions I've later viewed as mistakes

Some of them I've even made more than once

Yet I've learnt from them all, made changes and grown

I was at eighteen vastly different to who I was at twenty, or am now

I try to find the positives in situations and take those away

I get angry, sad and hurt but I try to leave the negatives behind me

How sad it seems to me that someone I care about feels helpless

To see their confidence and self-esteem so low, hear it has always been

For someone to believe they are not even capable of growth or change

To have only ever known the facade they put up, hiding for so long

To hide behind lies, happy faces and manipulations many years

Change and growth would appear so overwhelming, where to start

But the belief it isn't possible, makes the reality of possibilities unlikely.

Chaotic Calm

The last week or more has been full on in many ways

Little Boy received his first ever trophy, he is very proud!

He questioned the existance of Santa, he's growing up..

My sister, who is yet to have children, held her kids Christmas party

The children had a great day playing games, eating lollies, seeing Santa

My brother found a new home, he and I slept on the floor after cleaning it

Then spent a day moving him in, I have bruises and exhaustion for the effort

Now I have the time to catch up on my own domestic needs

As I said, things are settling down, I think....

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Broken Peace

Just when you think everything is settling down

Something happens to wake you the hell up!

My mad week (two?) around my sister went well

It came to a finish and for a few hours I had quiet

Quiet came to an abrupt end and the new drama began

One on the verge of a breakdown at the actions of the other

Said "other" completely oblivious, by choice I think, of effects

I don't know what to do, or say.....

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Quickie

Oh how I wish I meant that title in a much better way

Good night out last night, even if some gave up early

Little sis still here, will blog properly in couple of days

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend ;-)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

An Indian, an Irishman and an Aussie Chick...

Sounds like the start of one of those terrible and predictable jokes doesn't it. It's not. I spoke to each of these while sitting on the phone to a company which will remain nameless. Now I'm going to rant, settle yourself in or go somewhere else before I start...

All of our consultants are taking other calls at present.

Which loosely translates to: Your account is worth diddly squat to us so we'll stuff you around as long as you'll let us.

Please hold and we will assist you as soon as possible.

Which translates to: If you're stupid enough to expect customer service from a customer service call centre you can damn well wait for one of our other idiots to take your call, when they have finished their smoke and their coffee and feel like doing some actual work.

I called this nameless company this morning and used an automated service, which apparently gets cleared every 30min, in an attempt to avoid the hassle of speaking to one of the company's drones. Three hours later my request still hadn't been actioned..

So I called and I pressed 3, and then 2 and then 5 and was greeted with the above message. In between the monotony of the message I was played the musical tunes of Dido. Ordinarily Dido wouldn't bother me, but coincidently I had spent the 2hours prior listening to the same CD. I'd heard enough for the day.

My call is answered first by the Indian guy. Between the broken english I soon discovered that he couldn't actually help me as he didn't have a computer in front of him and was only taking details so that someone could "call back sometime in the next 24hrs".

I was in a mood and wanted to speak to someone who could help, NOW.

So I was put back in the "queue" and the message began to replay, this time over the top of the theme from The X Files. It seemed more appropriate music to me. The next person to take my call was the Aussie chick. Without saying hello she asked for my account number and name, which I gave. She then begins to tell me that she'll have someone call me back. By this stage I was on my third smoke and in a mood worse than any "out there" creature from the X Files and more determined in my search for "the truth" than even Fox "Spooky" Mulder on a bad day. So after a few minutes of abuse and questions unanswered I was put back in the queue to wait for someone who DID have a computer and may (or may not) be capable of customer service.

This time I was greeted by the mellow sounds of "Enya". The steam coming from my ears began to twirl and drift into rythmic waves in time with the soft melodic music. My anger however didn't subside. By this stage I had been on the phone for over half an hour, but my stubborn streak would not allow me to hang up without speaking to someone and getting what I wanted.

The next human voice I heard was that of a young Irishman. I cut him off mid-sentence to ask if he was in fact in front of a computer. Surprise, surprise he was not. So I went back into the queue and lit another smoke.

My call was eventually taken by a tired and weary sounding woman. She was in front of a computer and did have access to my account details. "Hallelujah" I saved the hysterical laughter for after I got off the phone, through fear that I would completely freak this woman out and have her hang up on me, I didn't want to do this all again. Thirty seconds later she had done what I requested and was asking if there was anything else she could help me with....

I went through all of this because they had a "large volume" of calls coming in. It was a total of 90!! For a company this size I would have thought that was a slow part of the day! Now I'm just hoping they don't fuck up again.

I feel much better now that I've vented though!

If you've read all of this I pity you :-P

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Sleepy Head

I got up Sunday morning at 7.30am, still drunk I think

I put my boardies on and headed almost directly to the river

Light rain was falling and mist was rising from the water

There was no noise, except the birds, and no people, quiet and beautiful

When I dived into the water it brought back so many memories

I was laying in the water watching the ripples from the falling rain

Remembering when I would swim some mornings before I got ready for school

People thought I was mad to dive into the water that early, especially in June

It was such a great way to wake up, I'm not a morning person usually

I remembered the bus trip into school those mornings years ago

So many things change and at the same time so many stay the same

The river, the rock I dived from, the sandy beach on the other side, mostly the same

But I'm not who I was then, I've grown up and changed, with a child of my own

I guess I haven't changed completely, the swim was the best way to wake up

It washed the sleepy cobwebs from my head, leaving me with only a slight hangover

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Some Things (men) Never Change

Little boy and I stayed at my Dad's place down the coast from Wednesday through to Monday. The occasion was my little sisters 18th birthday. (My other little sister had also just turned 16.) I've been going down there for about 20 years, so I'm not quite a local but I know many locals and have done for a long time.

One such local (I'll call him FF) came up on Friday to drop off a few things for the party. This guy is 50, he'd like to think he was still 30'ish. I've known him for as long as I can remember. He's the type of guy that I would see now and then and each time he'd have a new girl hanging off his arm. He's a musician and admittedly, maybe doesn't look his age, and definitely doesn't act it. You can imagine the girls I'd met over the years.

So anyway, he arrives. I was laying on the lounge trying to keep my eyes open (we'd been out the night before, I was tired) and Little Boy was running around doing what little boys do, playing with cars in the dirt mostly. I didn't get up to be sociable, it wasn't necessary, Dad was making the cuppa. As I dozed on the lounge I heard this conversation in the kitchen:

FF: So Ted's down for the party eh?

Dad: Yeah

FF: is she single?

Dad: ahh yeah, oh well I think she's got a bloke..

Little boy wanders in from outside

FF: And this must be Drew, well, don't you think I'd make a good Dad?

Drew: I've already got a Dad!

Little boy wanders back outside to the sound of my Dad chuckling and me boiling over in the lounge room

I couldn't believe the hide of this man. To speak like that, and to my son no less. I heard them go outside and as I was seething with anger I gave up on the nap. I grabbed a smoke and headed outside, only to find my Dad and FF still standing around chatting. As I walked out...

FF: G'day Ted, so you heard I was single and came down to check me out eh?

Even when I was a child of no more than Little Boy's age, I knew this guy was a creep. Some things really do never change, he still makes me cringe.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Particular Order No

Little Boy and I endured the five hour trip

Definitely worth it for the peace, quiet and party

Pub crawl brought back memories of days gone by

You're not in the "City" when pubs close at midnight (or ten)

Various wildlife sightings kept Little Boy enthused (not in the pub)

Little sis carried herself well, impressed all, undid it two days later

Old and new faces, young and old converged, a real "river party"

Drunk sixteen-year-olds shared the love, rolled in the grass (innocently too)

More drunk eighteen-year-old spat the dummy and wandered off

Older and "wiser" were just as entertaining, falling far and carried away

Strangers became friends, friends became strangers, almost all with a smile

Recovery followed, with holes in the memory filled and perhaps embellished

Of course, in my case, my behaviour and antics were only of the highest calibre ;-)

Blink

Okay I just stumbled in the door here

Been away for an extended weekend

Have to run out with Little Boy for the afternoon

Will be back to set-up and check out who's here

Thanks Bitzky and Dani for leading me here!

:-)

Edit: Oh this is too easy, so far

I wish I had an hour to sit still

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Random Snippets

I made the call, it was answered

So good to hear the voice, happy!

Got a message not long after, unrelated

Real coffee and cheap ciggies, almost home!

Can't wait to catch up properly, soon!

Spent day out, filling in and catching up

Big sis is back and the shit will hit the fan!

Getting organised, washing, packing, excited!

Even a few days away is eagerly anticipated!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Yawn

It's late and I'm exhausted

A very long day has come to an end

It's hard work biting my tongue so often!

I've had a "purge" over here

Perhaps now I will get into my rhythm

Now, I'm off to the land of nod!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

So I'm trying on this new outfit

It feels a little scratchy and uncomfortable

Hopefully I'll have it feeling right soon!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Consuming

These last few days have been full on

I'm exhausted physically and emotionally

I worked the last four days around my brother

Dragged Little boy back and forwards

Put my own plans and needs on hold

Only to play housekeeper to a grown man

I played house with a child, in a home that's not mine

I couldn't get out and back home quick enough

Terrible as it sounds I was happy to hand the child back

I'm disappointed with the outcome of yesterday

But I can no longer speak my mind freely

I'm worried of what is yet to come, we can't predict it

I'm sickened by some of the actions and some of the words

I'm saddened that either of them have to go through the shit

I'm unable to allow myself to feel as strongly as I do

I'm making myself take a step back emotionally, vocally

I can not open another person's eyes, nor make his move

He must remove the blinders and take his own steps

I hope he doesn't leave it too late and the cost is not too high!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Family Matters

Last night we had dinner at my mothers place, not unusual

My niece was put to bed and Little boy lay on the lounge

The four adults in the house were left to do what they had to

We each sat in various places around the house

Each of us in front of a computer, typing away madly

Interuptions were rare, until one of us was unsure of a date or spelling

10pm came and went, only one computer had been turned off

Three adults sat typing madly and one sleeping soundly

Midnight came and went, Little boy rolled over, off the lounge

It was almost 1am when I happily announced that I was finished

I handed Mum Little boy's bag as I carried him out to the car
[I]
"My shoes are over there, and my homework is here"[/I] he pointed and mumbled

At home he insisted on changing into pyjamas before getting into his own bed

He woke this morning and came into the bathroom to chat while I was in the shower

[I]Him: "I sleep walked last night Mum!"

Me: "When?"

Him: "Going out to the car"

Me: "Darling, I carried you out to the car"

Him: "ooohhhh.. well I didn't sleep walk!"

The phone rang, he ran, answered it and came back a minute later

Him: "Granny wants you to give her a quick call back"

Me: "Is she at work already?"

Him: "I don't know, but it's not going to be a quick call"

Me: "Oh why not?"

Him: "You never have quick calls with Granny!"[/I]

He was pretty much right...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Intensity

It's no secret, I haven't had a fuck in a while

I came to a realisation this past week

Even in my ever increasing state of horniness

I still have (some) standards which must be met

I'm not sure if I'm proud of that or annoyed

I'm in kind of a catch 22 situation in my thinking

I don't necessarily want a relationship with someone

But I don't want to just fuck the next bloke I meet either

I've always enjoyed sex (over and over again usually)

This extended period of none is slowly driving me mad

Yep, I know you didn't need to know any of this, carry on!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Disappointed

I started an entry the night before last

I was happy and proud of the action of others

I didn't finish it, as it turns out it was pointless

Those bold and brave actions were short lived

I believed that it was the right thing to do, finally

Yet the decision was made in anger and fear

After cooling off, the decision changed, backed down

If something is worth fighting for nothing should stop you

No one else's opinion should change your own thoughts

Voice your point of view and stand up for it, for once!

Friday, October 21, 2005

You Know?

I just finished writing quite a long email

I email the same way I blog, without editing

The problem with that is I read it after it's sent

Typos and general english mistakes don't bother me

Sounding like a rambling and bumbling fool doesn't either

But I just read this email back and feel like shit now

I hope the recipient doesn't think I'm as selfish as I feel

I don't think I'm usually self-centred or selfish (not often anyway)

Although it was suggested I write the email for a reason

I was reluctant, until I started and my fingers took over

Now I just feel like a self-serving pain in the arse, sorry babe!

xxx

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Killed the Cat

A relaxing day today, for the most part

After this past week it was welcome

As you may know, I had lunch with a new friend

I'm still not sure where my curiosity went

Dani (and Ben) suggested I go straight for dessert

Sorry girls, but dessert just wasn't on the menu for me

He's a nice guy and I'm sure I'll stay in touch with him

But there's something missing for a strong friendship to evolve

I'm still not sure what that is, maybe he's just too reserved

I don't understand being reluctant to open yourself up a little

Especially when there is no (and never was) expectation of "romance"

I enjoyed making him squirm throughout lunch

And the chatting about the psychology behind peoples actions

(As I sat making mental notes about his own words and actions)

People still manage to fascinate me, even those I'm not so curious about!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Oh Brother

I didn't intend to upset you or argue with you

I just couldn't bite my tongue any longer

I have been and will do all I can to help

It's hard to watch you walking blindly

To watch her manipulations and you bend

I've been where you are, it's not easy

Letting her walk all over you won't make it easier

Deluding yourself with reasons why won't help

We've never been close, you hardly know me

You're so defensive and jumpy you misunderstand

I only want what is right for you and yours!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Restricted Venting

Hate is a very strong word all too often used

I've always tried to refrain from using it

I can say that there is one person I truly hate

Until recently she was only a "cringe worthy" person

But she has shown herself to be so much more

I could almost deal with it if it could be put down to stupidity

But she is so manipulative, deceitful, paranoid and spiteful

And they are the nicest of her character qualities!

If she was anyone else I'd almost feel sorry for her

She is seriously in need of some psychological help

Yet her problem is mostly by choice, she's a "victim" by choice

Nothing is a result of her actions, everything is done to her

From what I know this has been the pattern of her entire life

She takes control by wronging those who've given her the most

I do believe in some form of karma, she will receive what she's given out!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

No Idea

I know I've found a keeper when:

My curiosity is endless

I want to know everything

A mere thought makes me smile

I never get tired of hearing from/about them

There is that deep warm feeling inside

I know time nor distance will change nothing

I know all of this within a short time frame



I knew this of my best friend the first time I met him

Just as I did most of my close friends over the years

My curiosity was aroused recently by someone

I was intrigued and wanted to know everything

As suddenly as it occurred my intrigue vanished

This in itself is not necessarily unusual for me

A reason, at times quite petty, is not hard to find

That is in most cases, this time I have no clue why!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Don't Mind Me

I'm doing you a huge favour tomorrow

One that I adore doing, mind you

But the least you could do is ask me

As of now I've only been told by others

Courtesy could be shown with a simple call

I'm angry that you could be so rude

That I take great pleasure in doing

Doesn't mean it should be taken for granted

Don't Worry, Be Happy

It's sometimes amazing what can make me happy

It can be the simplest of things or the greatest

The simplest today; a good morning text as I lay in bed

The greatest; the longest drought for a team broken

Then there's all the other ones somewhere in between

Finally got that courtesy call I was waiting for

Enjoyed a day alone and peaceful (apart from my blaring stereo)

And an unexpected call which left a smile on my face long after

I have a good feeling, my instincts are telling me something

I'm not afraid to hear it and I'm bringing that wall down with a crash!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Shopping for Words

I hate writing about not being able to write

But for at least a week I've had nothing

It was starting to get rather frustrating

Hopefully it has gone again, for now

*** *** *** *** *** ***

I've never been one to spend a day shopping

Wandering countless shops, buying the occasional item

It's just not me, never was nor will it ever be

I don't mind shopping for others, rarely for myself

There is a condition, I have to know exactly what I'm getting!

Today I went shopping for my nephew's b'day pressie

Now you would think a 9-year-old boy would be easy

Especially since I have my own almost 8-year-old

But no, I had no clue what I was getting or looking for

It was made worse as I was buying three pressies

Mum and sis caught up at work, sent me for the job

Worse again because bro and SIL were no help at all

Several hours later, countless sms and calls later

I had pressies in hand, claustrophobia starting to kick in

Get to the checkout, the card I intended to use had expired

Just another day reiterating why I don't like shopping!

But hey, nephew will be happy and that's what counts, right?!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Brick by Brick

Feeling isolated and very alone

Standing lone, surrounded by people

The wall has been rebuilt unknowingly

The barrier between trust and comfort

I will not play the victim to others

I know that it is of my own doing

I've chosen how I react to them

Betrayal of some does not exclude all

Yet the fear of more pain confines me

To keep everyone out is to be safe

The cost is high, I'm not willing to pay

The wall will once again be destroyed

Grrr

That I can't say the words or have you hear them

Doesn't give them any less meaning

That I can't touch you, see you or speak to you

Doesn't change the need and desire to do so

I took for granted that you would always be here

Time does not heal, only making it all the more real

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I can't help feeling disappointed, still

I can't help feeling the rejection, still

I can't help feeling the betrayal, still

I can't help feeling the heartache, still

I can't help feeling this way, still

Friday, September 09, 2005

Remembering

You would be thirty-four today

I still miss your smile, your voice, your laugh

It is unfair your time was cut short

Yet I am forever grateful to have known you

You will remain in my heart always

Friday, September 02, 2005

Little Smiles

I can't help but smile each day

Little boy is full of innocence and love

I can be proud of how he is growing up

This week has been no different

He constantly amazes me, his spirit

He can be so kind and generous

Without a thought of himself

His gentle nature touches me

I may not be the best mum in the world

I do the best I can with what I know

I must be getting it at least half right

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Meh

I've been feeling rather anti-social of late

I'd tell you why, if only I knew myself

Everything I've written has been deleted

Nothing is complete in my mind, nor on paper

If I was down it would at least make sense

I think a level of frustration is returning...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Snap Shot of My Life: Why did you do that?

As we waited for a friend yesterday, Little boy walked up gave me a cuddle and I leaned down and gave him a kiss on the forehead, this is what followed...

Drew: Why did you do that mum?

Me: Kiss you? don't you like it?

Drew: No, I just wanted to know why..

Me: Just 'cos I can..

Drew: Oh...... but isn't that gay?

(I picked my chin up off the ground)

Me: No

Drew: Oh...... so is holding hands gay?

(I wiped the sweat from my brow and hoped like hell our friends would arrive to get me out of this, at least for the moment)

Me: No, that's not gay either

Drew: Oh.....

(very serious contemplative look upon his face and I knew it was coming but still held the hope that I would be rescued)

Drew: So what is gay?

Seeing Red

I'm still the difficult bitch

I won't sit back quietly!

I won't be trampled on by you

I'm not the naive girl I once was!

Selfish, childish behaviour

Which has only one victim

I refuse to enable you!

My skin crawls, blood boils

You let down just one person

He should be able to count on you!

When will you grow up, be a man?

He will one day see what it is you do

He will one day see where he fits in

He will see you for what you are

Time for change is running out!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Empty Spaces

Patience is not one of my strong points

I've had to wait on others and it shits me

I've had to slow myself down, almost stopped

I like getting the momentum up and keeping it up

It takes less energy to keep the pace than to make it

If I struggled for motivation I'd be more patient..

On a different note...

I've taken a different approach

Made a slight change in thought pattern

I'm actively seeking something I haven't had

The process a little daunting, yet informative

I'm tired of sitting stagnant and feeling this..

On a final note...

I picked up the phone to call him yesterday

I so wanted to talk to him, hear his voice

I knew what he would say, I didn't call

How can so much suddenly mean so little

I promised myself I wouldn't cry, tears fell..

Monday, August 15, 2005

Pick Me Up

My favourite form of escapism is a day in the city

I sit back and watch the people around me, and write

It's been a few weeks since I've had this indulgence.

I often watch the children, with their families in the park


Two families sat, opposite ends of the park, enjoying the day

Each family had a young boy, about three or four years old

The boys ran around constantly, chasing birds from the grass

I watched as one boy fell, flat on his face, his mother watched, smiling

There was a brief look of shock on the boy's face, then he picked himself up!

Not once but several times the boy fell, each time picking himself up.

The other boy fell too, flat on his face, his mother to her feet before the dust settled

The tears streamed down the young boy's face as he lay there on the ground

His mother picked him up into her arms, cuddling him and soothing him with words

Not once but several times the boy fell, each time waiting for his mother to pick him up!


Most of my life I've been like the first boy, picking myself up and dealing with life

Of course there are times when I've needed help, gratefully accepted it and moved on

Why is it then that so many people in my life have been just like that second boy

People who believe the world is against them, unable to pick themselves up

They lay on the ground crying, just waiting for someone to lean down to them yet again

People who never knew they could pick themselves up and feel some pride in doing so

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Self Sufficient

For a long time I found it difficult to be alone, single

I felt a deep need to throw myself into "loving" a man

I'd fall hard and fast and inevitably get my heart broken

The falling for and learning all about someone is exhilarating!

Only in the last few years I've not felt that absolute need

I've learnt to be happy with myself, for the most part, and single

I still fell in love and had my heart broken, but I handled it!

I continue to grow and learn more about myself as each day passes

In no way do I crave a man right now, or need one to "complete" me

But I wouldn't mind a cock every now and then..

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Pensive

Pride:

"A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect"

Does it help or hinder?

Is it related to Shame:

"A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace"

I have a (un?)healthy dose of each..

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Rare Occasion

Five people in my sis' poor little car was quite interesting

Dad and his back seat driving rather amusing, irritating

Dad driving, doing best to embarrass all, more amusing!

Drinking the night away with family rarely seen, different

Grandma' turning 80, when no one expected her to, warming

Dad pleased not to be the most annoying or embarrassing there

Tee-totaller aunty throwing back a cs cowboy or two, hilarious

We don't choose family, but that's why we choose when to see them!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Another Day

The irony is not lost on me

An afternoon spent correcting grammar and the like

I then turn to this outlet, which lacks any real form of grammar


Many different thoughts have been floating within today

A little retrospective, still unable to look objectively

Some pain, some sadness, but for the most part content


Drew is quite happily playing behind me

His usual obsession keeping him loud and busy

What I would give to be so easily occupied


The music is playing around us

BEP, Lenny Kravitz and The Cure among others

All adding to the soundtrack of our lives on this day

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

No Fear, Ha!

Waiting for a knock on the door, delivery

It has taken almost six weeks to arrive

"Customer service" has a lot to answer for!

Although, it has served well as a distraction for me!

Now, only a day away, I'm more than a little anxious

As silly as I know it to be, I've never claimed to be rational!

Little boy is finally organised for while I'm gone

He nicely reassured me "There's nothing to be scared of mum!"

(He conveniently forgets gripping the armrests white-knuckled.)

Logic makes an appearance occasionally, but it never stays

I sound like the stereotypical "irrational woman", that's okay

I am a completely irrational woman, logic and sense has gone!

I am joining the millions of people who step aboard each and every day!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Mind Meld

A little apprehensive

A little lost for words

A little concerned

A little relieved

A little annoyed

A whole lot of something

I'm just not sure what...

Friday, July 15, 2005

Could You

I hate this

Hate missing

Hate wondering

Hate not being able

Hate not having a choice

Hate that it gets to me this much

Hate thinking that it may happen again

One I can maybe live with, two would be fucked

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Silent Respect

I'm watching, as I'm sure many of you are too

Shocked and disgusted that we can do this to each other

How much pain are we really capable of inflicting

I feel for those there, those living the nightmare

I sit here reminded of those who've lived it before

Recent years have seen so much horror and destruction

The pointless deaths of people like you and me

By the few undeserving of the title "human"

Blame will fly, the wrong people targeted daily on the streets

Ignorance and bigotry born out of a state of total fear

Sadness and pain unable to be expressed through words alone

Sunday, July 03, 2005

I Can Dream

We lay together, your arms wrapped around me

Your fingers drawing lazy circles upon my stomach

Our breathing synchronising as we relax

The gentle touch of your skin on mine soothes me

The caress of your breath on the back of my neck comforts me

You slide your hands slowly up and down the side of my body

I feel your lips brush lightly across my shoulder

Then your tongue glides up my neck

I hear your breathing, now shallow and quicker, beside my ear

My heart races just under your tender touches

When I turn to face you our lips meet instinctively

There is no clumsiness, our movements are natural

Our needs, our wants, our desires take over

Our tongues continue to play as our bodies become closer

My hands exploring every inch of your body knowingly

Time stands still as I take you in, the perfect fit!

Friday, July 01, 2005

Growing

I lay here quietly with eyes closed and listen to the rain

It falls freely from the sky above mirroring my tears

Reminding me of broken hearts and recently inflicted pain

My mind awash with memories of betrayals through the years

Scars new and old unveiled here for all to come and see

The healing process continues with the dawn of each new day

No task too hard for eventually I will set myself free

And the bright rays of the sun shall slice through this grey

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Bitching

Two smokes and half a packet of Pods

A broken full-length mirror

Capped off a seven-year-old's two hour tantrum

A pointless angry phone conversation with the ex

Another fucked up day is coming to an end

Which followed a fucked up night of little sleep

This week has past the halfway mark

It can only get better, can't it?

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Snap Shot of My Life: Turning Point - Part 1

Note- This is a long piece so I'm splitting it in half. As always your comments are welcomed but in this case I may not respond to them. I felt compelled to write this now, I'm not sure why. It wasn't an easy write and may not be an easy read for some.

*** *** ***


I was your average eighteen-year-old. I was happy and out going, working hard and playing hard. I had a great circle of friends and enjoyed being young and very social. I ended up meeting *Mark through this group of friends and knew when I met him that I was going to be with him. I don’t know how or why but I just knew that at least for now we were going to be together. I was right, we got together the very night we met, my best friend, *Jen, telling me to stay away from him only made me more curious, she’d said that before. Over the next couple of weeks Mark and I were obviously getting closer. We were the third couple to be formed within the group.

One particular weekend, when Mark and I had only just started dating, we all decided to go out of our comfort zone and go “clubbing” elsewhere. Jen and I suggested an area and everyone agreed. Jen wanted to go to one wine bar in particular; we had been there on my eighteenth and she’d loved it. We started out at the leagues club and moved to a few different clubs as the night went along. The last place for the night was to be the wine bar. By this stage there was only four of us still going, everyone else had called it a night, including Mark.

The wine bar was in an old sandstone cottage. Inside there were three rooms at the front of the cottage, a smaller room behind these housed the bar and led further back to the bathrooms. There were wide, open archways between the three front rooms. The two rooms on the sides were filled with overcrowded tables and chairs, sat too close together. The middle room had a small stage set up, where a band was playing eighties rock, the dance-floor in front of the stage was half full. The lighting was dim and the music filled the little cottage completely without being too loud. It all had a certain kind of charm to it, a pleasant and comfortable atmosphere, despite all the apparent faults.

We found a table in the back corner of a side room where J and I sat down while the boys got some drinks. Jen and I were not the type to sit down for too long, especially after a few hours drinking, so as soon as the boys had taken a seat we were up and on the dance-floor. The crowd was mostly late twenties and older, but it made no difference to us. We could tell the boys were not all that impressed with our choice in bar, they sat at the table drinking their beers with definite scowls drawn across their faces. We intended on making the most of what remained of the night and kept dancing. Neither of us being shy, when men approached us we didn’t mind too much, as long as they showed some respect and weren’t sleazy.

While Jen went back to our table for a drink I continued to dance. A man, probably ten years my senior, began to dance with me. When I smiled the usual introductory chat followed. He was a tall, very solid guy, wearing dark blue, almost black, dress pants and a white long sleeve shirt that had two buttons on the cuff. His black hair was neatly cut, there was only the slightest hint of a five o’clock shadow, and he certainly didn’t look like he’d been out all night. He had plenty of charm and was quite easy to chat to even on a crowded dance-floor when we had to almost yell in each other’s ear to be heard over the music. He showed me a dazzling smile, although it didn’t quite reach his dark eyes, even after I’d informed him that I was not single. He seemed like a nice enough man out with a few of the boys and making small talk while enjoying the band and a dance. When the band finished the song they were playing I politely excused myself and sat at the table with Jen and the boys. Of course the questions flew fast and furious as to what this guy had wanted and whether or not I had informed him that I had a boyfriend.

I didn’t notice him until he’d sat down beside me, the man I had been dancing with. He leaned in close and spoke into my ear, asking me to go to the bar with him so he could buy me a drink and remove himself from the death stares the boys were giving him. I saw no harm and followed him into the back room where the bar was. He told me he worked locally; he had his own business and was quite proud of where he was at in life. I thanked him for the drink and bid him good night after a short time. A few minutes after I’d returned to my friends a man I hadn’t seen until now came to the table and handed me a business card. It was the card of my charming dance partner, this was his friend who informed me that he apparently wasn’t allowed to go home to bed until I’d gone and said goodbye to his mate. The boys were glaring, Jen looked at me and laughed. Looking at the business card in my hand and then back to Jen I started to get up. I turned around after taking a few steps and leant in to Jen telling her I’d be no more than five minutes. Putting the business card in my pocket I followed the messenger.


*Names have been changed for privacy.
© 2005

Snap Shot of My Life: Turning Point - Part 2

Read Part 1 first!

Note- This is a long piece so I'm splitting it in half. As always your comments are welcomed but in this case I may not respond to them. I felt compelled to write this now, I'm not sure why. It wasn't an easy write and may not be an easy read for some.

*** *** ***


He was outside on the narrow patio that ran along the length of the cottage. The only other people out there were the two bouncers standing either side of the door. When I reached him he took my hand and pulled me towards the step. Surprised, I followed to the top of the steps while asking where he thought I was going. His reply was simply that he wanted to be a little away from the noise inside which was carried outside only slightly muffled to the patio. I turned and looked at the bouncers who were watching the two of us; one of them smiled and I stepped down the stairs one at a time. Now standing on the footpath my new friend turned to face me. In one movement he wrapped his arms around my waist pulled me towards him and began to kiss me. My reactions felt too slow when I pulled my face away from his and reminded him I had a boyfriend. He laughed.

I tried to step away from him but his arms were holding me close to him and I was no match. That dazzling smile returned to his lips as he lifted me off the ground. Now I felt so small, so out of control as he held me by the waist with my legs dangling in the air and my arms trying to push him away, my whole body squirming, asking him to put me down. I turned my head to see if the bouncers were watching this and as I did I’m sure I saw them both quickly turn the other way. I was beginning to panic, this wasn’t just for fun anymore, and I wanted to get back inside to my friends. He lowered me to the ground but not long enough for me to feel relief, this time he lifted me and literally put me over his shoulder and turned to cross the road. This time I screamed for him to put me down as my hands beat against his back and my legs kicked the air in front of him.

As I screamed at him I was looking up and down the street and to the front of the wine bar. There were a few people walking down the road, too far away to pay us much attention and three or four people walked out of the bar looked at me once before they turned right and walked up the street. The two bouncers still stood at either side of the door.

It seemed to me time had slowed down. It must have only taken a minute for him to carry me across the road and to the parked 4WD yet it felt like much longer as I yelled at him. I heard the car unlock and he opened the rear door and threw me across the seat. He was quick to climb in behind me as I scrambled to sit myself up. Closing the door behind him he turned to me and smiled that smile again, his eyes were lit up. I turned and opened the door beside me, as I did the alarm began to sound and he quickly reached across me and closed it. With a click of a button he turned the alarm off and locked the doors. Returning his attention to me he slapped me across the face and told me not to be stupid. Tears streamed down my face.

There was a lot of room between the front seats and the back seat, where we were. He was hunched over in front of the seat and he lifted my legs back onto the seat. I no longer knew what to do, I was no match for him physically and I couldn’t get out of the car. I began to scream again. He slapped me across the face, harder this time telling me “to shut the fuck up”. All I could do was to listen to him and hope that *Jen or one of the boys would come to look for me soon. I had told Jen I would be only five minutes, my bag was inside still she’d know I wouldn’t leave, she would know to come and look for me if I was much longer.

He pulled my shoes off my feet and then roughly began to pull my pants down my legs. As he put his finger through the side of my underwear to pull them down he leaned in and again kissed me. Once he had me naked from the waist down he began to undo his own pants. I realized I was repeating the words “no” and “please don’t” over and over and tears were still streaming down my face. I began to speak louder as he moved to climb on top of me. I could see the excitement in his eyes; he had no plans to stop until he had got what he wanted. He climbed on top of me and pushed himself inside me as he roughly kissed my neck. I screamed “No” into his ear and he slapped me again.

I don’t know how long he stayed on top of me, but it was quite a while. After some time I heard my name being called outside. When he finished the only words he spoke to me were “get dressed bitch” which I struggled to do. He opened the door and stepped out then grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out. I fell onto the footpath and he closed the door, went round to the front of the car and jumped into the drivers seat. He took off before I had even managed to pull myself to my feet.

With tears still streaming down my face I looked around hoping to see J and the boys. They were across the road looking at me. I walked over and one of the boys handed me my handbag. None of them asked what happened, they simply told me we were going to find a cab to go home. The look on all of their faces was that of total disgust.


*Names have been changed for privacy.
© 2005

Monday, June 27, 2005

Meh

I've had a rather fucked in the head kind of day

Achieved little of what I set out to do

Too long thinking of something I cannot change

The last of those tears have fallen! no more

Stuffed around with attempted distractions

There are more photos in my "Sydney" gallery

More writing has been flowing, though not smoothly

Giving up is not always the easy way out!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Can't Explain

My energy levels are still not where they should be

My concentration still lasts only short periods of time

I feel almost nothing, almost all the time, no major emotion

I knew to expect the headaches, dizziness and the shaking

I expected a change in how I felt, the irritability and snapping

Giving up my two big vices has left me almost empty inside

My mind has run, non-stop at a million miles a minute

Thoughts fragmented, scattered, relentlessly circling my head

Creativity lost, shoved down too deep and struggling to breath

When will I begin to feel like me for longer than a few minutes

Friday, June 24, 2005

Good Cause

About three months ago I shaved my head, for charity

Well actually my mother took the clippers and did it for me

When I say shaved it wasn't all bald and buffed to reflect the sun

My hair was about 10mm in length, which if you ask me, is shaved!

I've come to realise that I didn't think this through all that well

I'm lucky in that I own a lot of hats and several bandanas

In three months I've had about four weeks I've had hair I can manage!

I scare myself when I look in the mirror, I have a bad hair day every day!

The up-side, it's the first time in over ten years I've had my natural hair colour!

Snap Shot of My Life: A Christmas to Forget

Drew usually spends a week or more with his father around Christmas time, 2003 was no different. He’d just finished his first year of school. His Dad picked him up after school on Friday, but on Sunday he came home for a few hours so that he could attend a friend’s birthday party. I took him to the party and he laughed and played and ran around with all the other children. He went back to his fathers in the afternoon with only three more sleeps ‘til Santa came.

The next day I was sorting through Christmas presents and trying to work out if I’d forgotten anyone this year. I received a phone call late in the morning, almost lunchtime, it was Drew’s father, Mark*.

“Hello,” I always answer the phone in a civil manner, not quite pleasant to him. I’m not a “bitter ex”; I just really don’t like him. Almost everything about him annoys me. I try to keep the contact at a minimum but of course we’ll always have to deal with each other where Drew is concerned. I limit my side of the conversations to Drew and anything to do with Drew only. I don’t see any need in discussing anything else, as much as he tries to at times.

“Hi, I’m just calling to ask if Drew is allergic to anything as far as medicine goes?”

“Why? But no, not as far as we know, he’s never really had to take all that much.”
I answer this automatically, but think a father should know this.

“Oh ok, I just wanted to check because I’m allergic to penicillin and mum is about to take Drew to the doctor, he’s got stomach pains.” Came the reply in that monotone voice I’ve come to loath.

“Why aren’t you the one taking him? How long has he had the pains? Make sure you call me to let me know how he is when you get back.” This is the man I thought I loved at one time. He still lives with his parents and finds it hard to take responsibility for anything, including looking after his son.

“He wants Nan to go with him. He woke up at 4.30 this morning sick and upset. I gave him some Panadol and he went back to sleep. He’s still got the pains though. Will call you when they get back.”

“Ok, bye”

So I go back to my presents, wrapping and organizing them under the tree. I was not overly concerned as Mark didn’t seem to be, although I wished Drew was home so that I could be the one looking after him. I managed to get all of the Christmas presents wrapped and under the tree and had my lunch. A couple of hours passed with no return call from Mark, I began watching the clock and carrying the phone around with me waiting and willing it to ring. Finally it did.

“Hello”

“Hey, sorry I didn’t call earlier I forgot to when they got home and got sidetracked.”
That voice takes only seconds before it gets on my nerves.

“Well how is he? What did the doctor say?” I really don’t care what sidetracked him or why he hasn’t called, only about Drew.

“He said it’s just some 24hour stomach bug, he gave him antibiotics.”

“Why has he given him antibiotics if it’s just a 24hr bug? What else did he say? What is the antibiotic called?” Mark and I have always had differing views on Doctors and medication. I go to the Doctor when necessary and I take medication when necessary, but I make absolutely certain it is. I don’t take a doctor’s word as gospel and I ask a lot of questions. Mark on the other hand had been known to go to his doctor purely to get a medical certificate, because he’d taken a “sickie” from work. He’d come home with the certificate and a two-week course of antibiotics, that he would proceed to take.

“I don’t know”

~Sigh~ “So where is Drew now and how is he feeling?”
I wanted to scream at him, I think I did a little bit, you don’t just take antibiotics for a bug, there has to be more reason or don't take them, at least know why they're being taken.

“He’s laying on the lounge, I think he’s almost asleep. He’s not too bad”

“Ok then, ring me in the morning, or if he gets worse, and let me know how he is?”

“Yeah I will, see-ya”


Apparently Drew did seem to get worse that night, so much so that Mark (and his parents) decided it would be best to take him to the Emergency ward in the local Hospital. They sat there for three hours, in which time a nurse gave Drew some Panadol. On finding out that there would still be several hours to wait before being able to see a doctor, Mark decided to take Drew home. I only found this out in the weeks that followed and I was never told it directly.

Tuesday morning comes and goes and I haven’t heard from Mark. I presume that Drew is feeling better and all is fine. I try to call Mark several times, both at home and on the mobile, but I’m unable to catch him so I leave a message.

The phone rang at about 1 o’clock that afternoon.

“Hello”

“Hi Ted… It’s me.”
He’s in the car on the mobile; I can hear the traffic and noise in the background.

“How’s Drew?”

“Well, umm don’t panic, but...”
Anyone who has heard those words knows, as soon as you hear them the automatic response is to panic! “I’m on my way to the Children’s Hospital with him now,”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?”
I’m sure he hears the panic in my voice; I can hear it clear as day. Tears slide down my face and my heart is beating too fast.

“I’ve just come from my doctor and he said to take him straight to hospital, he thinks it is appendicitis.”

I can’t really remember the rest of that conversation, I don’t think there was much more said. As soon as I hung up the phone I got organized to leave the house and arranged for my brother to give me a lift to the hospital.

I never want to walk into a room and see my son looking the way he did that day. He was so pale and barely had the energy to move at all. He already had the drip in his arm and they had confirmed appendicitis and started him on antibiotics. It was now a matter of waiting to get into surgery. Being two days before Christmas many doctors were on leave and the wait would be lengthy. Drew lay there with an expressionless look across his face until a shot of pain hit him, when his face would contort and quiet tears would roll down his cheeks. He simply had no energy to complain about the pain or anything else. His eyes alone showed the fear and pain he was in, I could only imagine.

He went into surgery after midnight that night. I waited in the small waiting room just outside recovery, with Mark and his parents. While Drew was in surgery Mark and his parents sat and chat about politicians, childcare and the lack of care in hospitals. The mundane and pointless chatter you find at a dinner party, not exactly what I was in the mood for at that point. An hour passed slowly and no one came to tell us the surgery was over, it was meant to be relatively quick and routine.

When the doctor did finally come out to us, a little after 2am, he informed us we were extremely lucky and our Little boy was fine. Drew’s appendix had burst, he was lucky to be alive, and he would have been in immense pain. They’d had to “clean it out” quite a lot and he needed to be drip fed antibiotics for about a week.


*I’ve changed the name for obvious reasons.

© 2005

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Snap Shot of My Life: City v Country

When I was 8-years-old my father married my stepmother. He had met her about two years before, late one night at a truck stop on the Highway down the coast. She was returning home from Sydney with her dog, Bluedog, and had stopped for a “cuppa” and to give the dog a break. She let the dog wander while she was inside, as she had many times before. A man soon came in and asked, “Did anyone used to own a blue dog?” My Dad was on his way back to his mothers and had run over the dog, he thought he’d killed it. Well the dog had run off and Dad spent the next few hours helping to find it and the rest, as they say, is history. Within a year of their marriage my stepmother had my first younger sister, J. Five days short of two years later I had another younger sister, L.

My Dad, stepmother and “the girls” (J and L) live on the south coast. Well actually they live almost thirty-kilometres inland from a typical coastal town. My stepmother built the house and workshop for herself when she was a single, divorced woman thinking she would never submit herself to another marriage, let alone have any kids. It was built for one and sits on twenty-one acres of land bordered by the gravel road on one side and the winding fresh water river on the other. The property sits right in the middle of a National Park. The narrow and winding road from town is gravel for about 50kms, winding through the national park with rock face on one side and a view straight down to the river on the other side, for most of the drive. My Dad’s place sits not quite half way along that gravel road. If you keep driving to the end of the gravel, you will soon after reach a “blink and you’ll miss it” town which consists of a few peach farms, several houses and one pub, which has two petrol pumps and doubles as a mini corner store. My father was banned from this pub for a few years after standing up on the bar, obviously after a few beers and reciting “The Man from Snowy River”. I never really got that whole story.

The electricity lines don’t make it out from town to their place. Their power is provided by a group of twelve-volt batteries, which are recharged by the generator. The generator also provides 240V power while it is on, for such things as the computer and washing machine. The television only receives reception from two stations, although a neighbour across the river had pay TV for a while. There is no inside “flush” toilet, that’s a small building outside, built on a concrete slab, over quite a large pit. The river provides the household water supply, after drinking this for over a year I was unable to drink City water at all for years. The house itself is built of wood and is almost round in shape. There is only one real wall inside, between the kitchen and bathroom. At the centre of the house is a fireplace built of river rocks and the room sort of flows around it. A curtain at the entrance to the bathroom provides the only inside door. A loft upstairs is the main bedroom. L sleeps downstairs in a bedroom that furniture provides most of the walls to. J has her own room by way of a caravan just out the front of the house. The house, which was built for one, has managed to accommodate four on a permanent basis and at times even more people. For the last fifteen, or more, years there has been talk of extensions being built, the last couple of years small progress has been made. All of these factors are what give the house and lifestyle character and appeal. All of these factors are also what give visiting “city folk” such a culture shock.

I consider myself to be a city girl, but growing up with this beautiful escape I consider myself very fortunate. Summer holidays with Dad were always enjoyable as a child. Waking up each morning to the sounds of kookaburras laughing and taking only a few minutes to walk to the riverbank. Standing on the edge of the river in the sand and being able to clearly see the rocks and sand on the bottom, even where the water was over six or seven foot deep. Then diving into the water and swimming over to the mostly submerged rock formation, which serves as a diving block. Hours upon hours could be spent at the river, swimming, throwing rocks across the top of the water or simply watching nature. Fish, eels and snakes were not an uncommon sight while swimming. Wallabies could sometimes be seen on the far side of the river heading to the rapids where they would have a drink. I would occasionally set my alarm to wake before sunrise and walk to the river, just down stream from our swimming hole, and sit and watch as the platypus went about its morning routine.

I lived with my father for about eighteen months as a teenager. It didn’t work out for many reasons, not the least of which was that I was rather difficult at that time. I would catch the bus to school each morning, I was first on because it only came out that far. The morning driver and I did not get along well, on several occasions I was made to sit in the front seat, very uncool. The return bus trip in the afternoon was always much more fun. The driver was an older gentleman with a huge heart, and a brilliant smile. He would at times stop at the little corner shop just out of town for those of us who wanted to buy afternoon tea. By the halfway point of the trip there would only be a handful of kids left on the bus, sometimes less. I would lay on the seat, with my legs lying across the aisle to the opposite seat, watching the treetops as they passed by. After a while of doing this I learnt to tell exactly where I was and how soon I’d be home just by looking at those treetops. If I was the only kid left on the bus I would sit right in front of the windshield on the dash I guess it’s called, facing the back of the bus, and talk to the driver while I had a smoke.

These days I get to Dad’s only a couple of times a year. It still holds a lot of appeal, but for different reasons. Drew (Little boy) and I spend some of the school holidays down there. It is great to see Drew loving it as much as I do, although he has as much trouble with the traveling as I do too. We’ve caught a bus on several occasions, six hours is more than enough to make us both feel ill, thankfully he’s only thrown up once on the bus. Other times we catch the train and meet Dad halfway, not quite as much chance of the travel-sickness that way as the time is broken up.

My Dad gave Drew his first fishing rod and helped him try to catch his first fish, they had to settle for an eel. The girls have taken Drew on countless swims and bush walks and he never loses interest, although they almost lost him once. He now knows to never leave the path and that if you get lost you simply stay where you are until someone finds you.


© 2005

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Insignificance

There was a time,not long ago, that I would think of you and smile

Now I think of you and tears well in my eyes and pain throbs within

There was a time, not long ago, that you had such a calming effect on me

Now the mere thought of you produces anger and hurt among sadness and fear

I'm angry and disappointed in myself that you have such an influence still

Of course I still care, I want you to be a part, but obviously you're not

All this power is in your hands, yet you need not even use it for it to twist me

As the days pass by and no words are spoken the knife is thrust deeper

Words of old silently surround me to reveal the emptiness of which they're made

For how long...

Monday, June 20, 2005

Craving

My life is being lived and ruled in five-minute increments

For fourteen years these five-minute spaces have been filled

I have had one constant for all those years, I took it away

When I stress or when I relax, it's no longer there!

When I'm angry, upset or happy, it's no longer there!

When I chat to someone or I'm on the phone, it's not there!

When I rise each morning or finish a meal, it's not there!

When I finish a task or procrastinate over another, it's not there!

Five-minutes have passed while I type this, I may relax for a while!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Try Me

Unable to concentrate properly still

Had an entry in mind, but it vanished

So instead I had an all about me moment

A first attempt at something new

Originalism inspired my own Haiku

*** *** ***
Therapy of sorts
Thought emotions, words chosen
Surviving by blog

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Changing Times

There has been an obvious shift take place with my friendships

This change took several months to complete and be acknowledged

For four years I had one friend I always knew was there, my "best friend"

He knew everything there was to know about my life, as I did about his

I never imagined anything could or would be allowed to come between us

We only had to ask for help and it would be given, no questions, no shame

We could enjoy each other completely, without judgement or fear

It hurts to know that all of this has changed! I no longer know anything!

But every night is followed by the dawn and this change has had a positive

Within the past year a new friendship has been formed and has thrived

I know that I can count on this new friend, he's always there, my "best friend"

He has become the one I think of first to share good news with

He has become the one I call when I just need another honest point of view

We are able to share anything, without judgement, we listen and care

My friendships are always important to me, I cherish each and every one.

I only hope that I have as much to offer in return for what I've been lucky to receive!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Chaotic

I've been sitting here for a while now

Thoughts racing through my mind in various directions

Yet nothing is jumping out at me, nothing is flowing

To explain what my mind is like at the moment, almost impossible

It is not unexpected, it has been avoided for so long, I knew it would

I don't understand, there is no logic but I have no doubt of the cause

Thoughts incomplete, frantic and fragmented, erratic and continuous

Deprived of two things, one completely and the other mostly

I can make no sense, can not slow my thoughts long enough

Perhaps I will hide once again, why am I doing this now anyway

The words unable to flow, all that I want to say remains where it has been

Friday, June 10, 2005

High on Life

I don't like heights!

I never have liked them and I don't see it ever really changing!

I don't like standing on a chair to change a lightbulb, but I do

I don't like travelling down narrow, winding roads with a drop on one side,

A solid wall of rock on the other, but I do (half my family live on such a road)

I don't like standing on escalators that are tall and steep (eg. Town Hall, Sydneysiders)

I don't like going in cable cars, like at the zoo, although Katoomba is much worse!

I don't like any of these things because I don't like heights, but I do them all!

I would (most likely) never jump out of a plane, bungee jump or climb the Harbour Bridge!

So I'm not exactly sure why I suggested we go up the Pylon yesterday with my girlfriend

I'd never actually walked on or across the bridge before either, I thought I'd be fine!

Usually as long as things are enclosed and I feel safe I don't freak out too much!

We get on the bridge and I'm fine, as hundreds of cars, buses and trains pass us by, until

We really get on the bridge and the solid wall beside us is replaced with steel frame.

My heartrate triples, my body tenses, my legs begin to tremble and my head feels very light!

I have Little boy on one side, girlfriend on the other, both pairs of eyes on me, laughing!

My son finds it quite amusing that Mum is afraid of heights! He's "not scared at all"!

I figure the Pylon will be better, it's only 200 steps within the tall granite walls.

We begin the climb! We reach the first landing area and I wonder what the hell I'm doing!

We reach the top and I'm in a cold sweat, my fists are clenched and my legs are still trembling!

The view is sensational of course and with a few deep breaths I manage to get out the camera.

My hands were still shaking too much, so girlfriend took a few shots before handing it back

But, I did it! I read that the lookout was 89m above sea level, and the bridge had 6million rivets!

It felt like 1000m high and I declined to buy a rivet in the giftshop for $20!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Ouch

My pain threshold is very low, always has been, probably always will be

Until I was pregnant with Little boy I'd never even been in hospital

Never a broken bone, never a rush to the emergency room

Since then I've given birth (the epitome of pain) and had a broken toe

I try very hard not to inflict any kind of pain on myself, I'm sure we all do

Stubbing my toe results in a long barrage of cursing and involuntary tears

Last week, busily cooking dinner I was responsible for self inflicted pain

The rarely used microwave was used, and my common sense was not

Resulting in perfectly cooked honey carrots, and slightly overcooked finger

The barrage of cursing limited to mumbles, grunts and groans for Little boys' sake

I ran it under the icy cold water for at least 10minutes, blah blah blah

Now a whole week later, changing the dressing this morning I almost passed out!

Old dressing off, pain registers, break out in cold sweat and sway on my feet

It is now I realise I should have got Little boy to school first!

I sit down and now have the horrible feeling I'm going to throw up

Little boy is worriedly watching me, as I attempt to compose myself

Eventually the nausea passes, the sweats stop and my vision clears

I take the opportunity to re-dress my finger and take a deep breath

Now you may ask why I'm telling you all this in such a long post

Simple, because it fucking hurts and I'm a bloody whinging wimp!

Monday, June 06, 2005

Silly Girls

As most would be aware, almost all my friends are male

I've found men easier to get along with, I don't understand women!

But there is an exception to every rule!

I'm catching up with a girlfriend in the city later this week

We went to high school together, only for about 18 months

And for most of the last 10 years have lived in different states!

She is the only person I have regular contact with from school

She is also the only female I really consider a friend!

I'm looking forward to catching up properly, as is Little boy

I'm not even really sure why it is we continue to get along

We have completely different lifestyles and little in common

We do both tell it how it is, and respect that in each other

I can't remember ever having a fight with her, about anything!

And although we haven't always had a lot of contact, nothing changes

Perhaps the reason we are such good friends still is that we live so far apart

After several years we are well overdue for a day spent catching up

I'm grateful to have her friendship and know it will be a constant.

Snap Shot of My LIfe: A Testing Day

I hung up the phone from Sam* with my mind a blank. She offered to pick it up on her way home and for me to meet her at her place. I had been putting this off for well over a week, hoping the denial would work magic. With an hour left before I could leave work I set about keeping busy. There were invoices and picking slips to be done. The intermittent phone calls, customers placing orders or complaining some stock hadn’t been with their delivery. The usual goings on of the office, just like any other day. Concentrating on work my mind could rest for a little while. This wasn’t going to end like any other day.

**********


I sat down on the floor in the overcrowded lounge room, eyes fixed on the little white stick in front of me. For two minutes my mind was completely blank. Sam was beside me talking animatedly with her mother, Angie, but I didn’t hear a word. I was in their lounge room, where I had been many times before. The TV was on as the news of the day flickered across the screen. Sam and her mother were sat on the well-worn lounge as I sat on the other side of the coffee table. The rest of the kids were in their rooms and Lee, Angie’s husband, was on his way home from work. For two long weeks I’d had constant thoughts racing through my mind. These two minutes not only felt longer than those weeks but it was also the only time I can remember not having a single thought. My eyes widened as the beginning of a blue line appeared on the little white stick. I reached for the box to read the instructions for what must have been the fifteenth time, one line for negative, two for positive!

“Oh my god” I heard the words before I realized they had come from my own lips. All at once the room came back to life. “One man is in hospital and another has died in an accident just south of Sydney today” came from the newsreader on the TV. I heard the sound of a bus pulling up just down the street to let off its passengers on their way home from another normal day of work. This was certainly not a normal day. A dog barked, it sounded like the little terrier from three doors down. Sam and Angie had both stopped talking and were looking at me expectantly. “Well?” Angie spoke first. I could feel tears welling behind my eyes and hundreds of thoughts all fought within my head for my immediate attention. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came. Sam leaned across the coffee table to see for herself. “Oh shit, it’s positive!” She spoke the words that I had not been able to.

There I was, only a handful of months past my eighteenth birthday and I was pregnant. Mark already knew that I was “late”, but how would he take this confirmation? I’d met him only about three months earlier. Sam’s sister had introduced us when a group of us had gone out to celebrate her eighteenth birthday and she’d told me to “stay away” from him. That night I had danced with a dozen guys, but it was Mark I had ended up leaving with. We’d been together since then but neither of us thought it was forever, until now. What if Mark wanted me to have an abortion? What if he didn’t want me to have an abortion? What if he just didn’t want a part of the decision at all? We’d spoken about the obvious possibility of me being pregnant several times in the last two weeks, but neither of us really wanted to believe it would be true.

“Are you ok?” Angie was now sitting on the armchair closest to me when she said this. I looked up at her and then across to Sam. The floodgates opened at that moment, the tears, that until now I had only cried when I was alone, were streaming down my face. The denial I had been trying to live in was now shattered beyond repair. Was I ok, my world had just changed forever when those two lines appeared; I didn’t know if I was “ok”. No matter what, I would never be the same! What would my family say? Would it be a girl or a boy? What would Mark’s family say? Will I have a difficult pregnancy? What would my boss say? Will I be able to cope with the birth? Would I still have a job? Am I even capable of being a mother? Yes, I am capable. It was the only question I had the answer to.

I looked back up at Sam and Angie; they were looking at each other with the beginnings of a smile on both of their faces. My tears gradually slowed and a smile crossed my lips as well. I was terrified, but I was going to be a mum!


* All names have been changed for the obvious privacy reasons.
© 2005

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

No Escape

Well I've been thinking about something I haven't had

Something missing for a few months now (four to be exact)

Wondering why I'm missing it, why I want it yet I'm not seeking it out

Yes, I've been thinking about sex! The act, the need, the desire!

I've rarely had a length of time, this long without it

It's not like I'm wandering around each day all hot and horny

But I do miss it and I do want it, now I'm wondering why

I don't miss or want a relationship, I'm liking being single

I just feel like I'm lacking a form of expression, that release!

Sex can be a kind of escape for me, nothing matters but that moment

There is nothing in that moment except two bodies coming together

Absolute release, escape from the world around, absolute pleasure

Closing your eyes and letting your senses take over your body and mind

Allowing your hands, your lips, your tongue to do all the exploring

Letting your body feel every kiss, every lick, every touch, everywhere

The anticipation, the escalation in pleasure, the resulting peak, climax!

Where else can I get that sensation, that feeling, that escape?

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Just This

I feel like each day I'm being kicked in the stomach

The one person I thought would never hurt me

He needs no words to crush that piece of my heart which is his

The not knowing, wondering and speculation hurts the most

Intentional or not, the pain and disappointment don't change

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Up Down

Today is a day full of mixed emotions for me

It is my fathers birthday, I will call him tonight!

It is also 3yrs since a good friend passed away

I still find it hard to know I won't hear him laugh again!

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for a few weeks

So many things have touched me in different ways

I'm distracting myself today with writing fiction!

Monday, May 23, 2005

Known and Unknown

I'm not a person who has vivid and detailed memories of my childhood

Of course I remember things, days and events and general feelings

But I couldn't tell you in detail about my first day of school, like some can!

I could tell you I was anxious each morning in the first few months of school

I would drive my older sister mad, crying and begging her not to leave me

Then I would love every minute of the rest of the day, until the next morning!

I have memories in images, my lawn with "Happy Birthday" mowed in it by Dad

Riding backwards behind my sister on her motorbike going over small jumps

My dog caring for a litter of kittens after their mother had disappeared

These images are all scattered, in no particular order, fragments of memories!

Then I have other memories that if I close my eyes I can almost relive them

Sitting quietly, overhearing Dad's new girlfriend telling others of their engagement

Tears welling up, not only because I didn't like her but because I wasn't told first!

Being at my first boyfriends house, that first real kiss and someone who listened

My mum pulling up out the front screaming at me, I was never to see him again!

I could go through many of these, with varying degrees of sadness, anger and pain

But my general feelings about my childhood are that it was relatively happy

But the most pronounced of my memories are the ones when I felt downcast!

I wonder what it is Litte boy will remember of his youngest years?

Am I doing enough as his mother to give him the happiest of memories?

How many negatives do we need to become well balanced in adulthood?

I don't want Little boy to have to feel more pain, to have more hardship

Yet I know I cannot protect him from all the world, nor should I

When will I know that I am doing it all wrong, or right, or will I never know?

Friday, May 20, 2005

Experience it All

As I go through another of my low, or down periods

I basically just go through the motions of life

Nothing of any consequence is accomplished

Motivation is too minimal, I get stuck on this plateau

This by no means has been a long down phase

And it certainly hasn't been close to my lowest

But as I pull myself out of it I realise so much each time

I'm making a point to actually feel my emotions

I'm not dismissing my thoughts, feelings as quickly!

Almost nothing is felt during a low, I miss what is happening

Everything merely passes by unappreciated, without impact!

I realise there is plenty to gain in allowing myself to feel

The range of emotions from sadness and pain through to joy

Experiencing and knowing what it is I feel, working out why

Giving myself permission to let the emotion go right to my core!

Appreciating the pain in order to truly feel the joy of pleasure!

Taking each moment, each thought and feeling and being thankful!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Another test passed

I was taken by surprise today, caught completely off guard

If I'd had warning I'm not sure I'd have handled it any differently

No contact for three months has been the best thing for me

I realised so many things, some I should have always known

I amazed myself that the end was so final with only brief heartbreak

The blindfold taken off and I saw what had been in front of me so long

I made the decision and I stuck to it, I've not once regretted that decision!

Today was also good, the brief contact showed me I'd not been fooling myself

I really do feel and believe all that I had told myself when the end came!

It feels great to know that I truly am this strong, I am past that phase

How people treat me, and my response, is completely within my control

I will not be treated disrespectfully if I do not allow myself to be!

There is definite reason I have the people I have in my life

There is also reason I no longer have some people in my life!

I have no regrets, I remember what was good and learn from what was not!

I have nothing to gain from repeating this process, I've learnt this lesson!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Welcome Strangers

Several bloggers have expressed gratitude in recent days

Some of them have even been surprised by the kindness and care!

It doesn't surprise me to find genuine people in communities online

The online world is no different to the world we see outside

With all the dangers, predators and possibilities for harm

Comes so many positives and opportunities for pleasure!

Usually it is a matter of what you open your heart and mind to

What are you prepared to give in order to perhaps receive?

With open eyes and a healthy caution, the potential is endless

A kind word may have a ripple effect to touch so many people!

Comforting and thoughtful words from a stranger who understands

May touch us closer than words from a friend who can't understand!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Unconditional

I've been rather pensive in my entries of late.

Through every day and week, every high and low

I'm thankful to have my one constant shining light

Little boy is my source of happiness on even the greyest of days!

A hug and three words from him lift my spirit to unknown heights!

You never know how capable of love you are, until you have a child!

I remember my first ultrasound, tears flowing and the love filling me

It didn't become real until that moment, seeing that new life so small!

I watch him now and wonder how he continues to grow up so quickly!

I remember the flutter in my belly like none I'd ever felt before

Standing at my workdesk and realising I'd felt "him" move for the first time!

I watch him now with so much to do, so much to experience, never stopping!

I remember first holding him in my arms and crying, unable to stop smiling

Laying awake for those first nights, just to watch him sleep peacefully!

I watch him sleep now and listen to his dreams when he rises of a morning!

I remember so many moments, each filling my heart with infinite love!

No matter what my future holds, what challenges lay ahead of me

I have happiness and love never ending just by looking at Little boy!

Friday, May 13, 2005

No Time, All Time

Time is a strange thing when you think about it

It is something nobody has any control over

For most people control is an essential

Some days pass so quickly you wonder where the time goes

While others seem to drag on endlessly, usually the bad days

This month, so far for me, has been a combination of both

The days pass almost unnoticed, yet the weeks drag on

I've been unable to apply myself to all that I should

Doing only what is necessary to get through each day

My mind has been on friendships and their meaning

Later this month marks the third anniversary of a lost friend

I still miss his smile and laughter, the middle of the night calls

I think of him almost every day and all that was left unsaid

Our time ran out and I no longer had the opportunity to tell him

I hope he knew how thankful I was for his friendship

At a time when I was trying to hide from the world!

So much time is wasted, we don't know how much we have

I learnt to leave nothing unsaid, tell it how it is today!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Where to

The workings of friendships and relationships is consuming my mind

I do apologise if it is becoming rather monotonous

I'm feeling so many emotions; hurt, anger and sadness among them

I have immeasurable respect for relationships, mine and others

I also cherish the close friendships that I have

I don't feel one should have to be at the cost of the other

I'm angry that one of my friendships is being defined (by another) by sex

The fact that we did have sex does not define what our friendship was or is

The fact that sex is in our past does not mean it is in our future

I'm sad that another of my friendships has caused questions in a relationship

I will always be honest, especially with those I care most about

I will always support them and only ever want their happiness!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Deja vu

I cooked dinner for my (best?) friend tonight

Having not seen him for a few months

I was looking forward to it, as was Little boy

It is not the same, so much is guarded

But it wasn't uncomfortable nor tense

He shared more with me than he had for a long time

He explained one reason he'd not made much effort recently

Apparently, our friendship makes his girlfriend feel awkward!

A situation very similar to that which I found myself in on Saturday!

I really do not understand these women (or most women for that matter)

I was assured that our friendship would not be sacrificed!

I guess I have to wait and see what cost will be paid though!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Calculating Insecurity

I know that I'm not responsible for other peoples irrational reactions

But I do find it upsetting to be part of the excuse used for a reaction

After enjoying the afternoon and evening it took me by surprise

I've tried not to judge on a past I didn't see, but I saw this

Not only did I see it, I think it relates directly back to that past

A past well hidden, a past which has held no (needed) consequences

I'm not a threat, I'm not a reason for jealousy nor insecurity

Although, personally, I doubt the depth of insecurity, instead manipulation

Manipulating situations will not work for long, it will begin to work against you

I'm not sure I like you, I definitely don't trust you, but I don't need to

I hope that my instincts are wrong, I hope you are all that he thinks you are

I see that you make him happy, I honestly hope that doesn't change!

All of Nothing

Having not been online for a few days I'm now catching up

Have plenty to blog about yet no smooth flowing thoughts

From the show on Friday, to catching up with friend on Saturday

Insecurities and attention seeking, knowing when to keep quiet

The different dynamics of relationships and their changes

Mothers day and a lovely day with Little boy and family

All of these and more to blog about but I got distracted

So many alerts to read and places to visit and then

I get to here and see new toys to play with and still no clue!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Do you see what I see?

This evening I’ve felt like a child running through an amusement park on a sugar rush!

A wide-eyed, open-mouthed look of wonder has crossed my face with each new and exciting sight!

Apologies in advance if this becomes a very long winded babble of very little interest to anyone but me!

But perhaps I should start this with back when I was a child, of around age 5 or 6

Each child was given a basic eye test at school, and mine picked up a possible problem,

My parents were told I had a lazy eye and may have trouble reading from a distance

Nothing major, they were aware and as it didn’t appear to present a problem it was soon forgotten

A little older I noticed a minor problem, while playing number plate games on a long trip in the car

Unless the driver was tailgating the car in front (not often the case) I was unable to make out the letters

Loss of a few travel games was not the end of my world, so an optometrist visit wasn’t on my agenda

And so it went on, as an adult I was more aware of a problem but never enough to do anything

Which brings us to a couple of weeks ago, I finally did take the step into an optometrist

I had my eyes tested for the second time ever, this time I didn’t have to hold a wooden spoon over one eye!

Yes I needed glasses! No surprise at all for me, at least until I saw the price tag of my first $300 pair

So today, I got my new glasses and wore them for the first time!

The new and exciting things I saw included; signs above aisles in the supermarket, from outside the checkouts

The menu board and the prices of the take away place where mum got her dinner

The subtitles and advertisements across the bottom of the television screen while I watched a show,

Now at least I know who’s paying for those scrolling messages, which have annoyed me so often!

Oh it is great to be able to see, for 20 years I never knew I was missing so much!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Just Life

Having a very uninspired week

The mundane has taken over

Accompanied by the tedious!

Little boy happy back at school

Me, annoyed with my study!

Plans for the weekend

Perhaps lighter and more inspirational!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

About Time

I'm meant to be impressed you've made time for him

I'm meant to appreciate that working weekends was on hold

I'm supposed to be thankful you've made a couple of allowances

When I first met you I soon realised you were your only priority

Which was understandable back when you had no responsibilities

But when a major responsibility comes along priorities need to change

No longer is thinking of you and you alone acceptable, nor should it be

So after all this time you're finally taking a small step to put him first

Put him first, at least when it's convenient and fits into your schedule

For that you should not need praise, it is far too long overdue!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Missing You

You have always been someone I can count on, I think you still are

We've seen each other through the last few years at our worst and best

You learnt that you could share anything with me and you shared so much

Now, a lot of your life is and has changed and so little is shared with me

I feel like I'm slowly losing you (I'm now only half sure you'd say otherwise)

I know that things change, relationships and friendships change

Yet instead of change I feel you withdrawing and building a wall

You began to share everything with me, it's suddenly been stolen from me

I offer you my love and friendship always, please don't throw it aside!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

My kind of normal

Little boy goes back to school tomorrow

We both enjoyed the last couple of weeks

I'll enjoy getting back to a "normal" routine

Although it will be a struggle to study again

My own writing should increase, I like that thought

Passion for writing has certainly returned to me!

I may share some fiction one of these days.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Just Pondering

I've spoken before about choices I've made within my life

I believe that our choices have impact on the paths we take

Whether they be "good" or "bad" mostly is of little consequence

Mostly everythig just "is", things happen for a reason

Although reason is sometimes only found in hindsight!

What do our choices say about our character

What can we learn of anothers character through their choices?

We all are very capable of mistakes and should not be judged on those alone

When does a choice go from being a mistake to being a part of who someone is?

Whether mistake or not we are and should be accountable for our choices

Even the least judgemental person makes some judgements about people they meet

Do we choose to judge on behaviour shown to our own eyes

Do we reserve some element of judgement to past behaviour

Are we each really evolving, are all or only some people capable of change?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Girls

A quite busy few days has come to an end

Little boy and I are left in each others company again!

Each time I see the girls I'm amazed by how quickly life happens

Time passes whether we notice or not, with no regard to anything

The girls are becoming young women, making choices of their own

If only I could show them which ways to go and those to avoid

But it seems it would serve no purpose, they will make their own mistakes

So much joy and pain, happiness and sadness lay ahead for them

There is so much they don't realise that they don't know!

Friday, April 15, 2005

One night break

"I am in the general vicinity of somewhere I know"

These words from my mother, although may be true, hold little comfort

Driving anywhere with her if nothing else provides amusement

She's a woman who always knows exactly where she is,

But is not often, at that moment, where she thinks she is!

My stomach pains from too much laughter, but I made it home!

An unplanned night out to a concert neither of us intended to go to

Provided us both plenty of laughs, only in part thanks to Devine Miss M

Tomorrow assures me of more entertainment, my little sisters arrive.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Holidays

Uninterupted thoughts, a luxury not mine just now

Instead I hear the regular "Mum, I want..."

So while my writing, of all kinds, may decline

My heart is warmed to spend this time with Little Boy!

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Snap Shot of My Life: Lady In White

I walked out of the room quietly, leaving the night light on behind me and pulled the door almost closed. It was good to have Drew in bed and be able to relax for a few hours before I would head to bed myself. I went to the kitchen and poured myself a drink and took it out onto the verandah to sit and have a quiet cigarette.

“Ted, where are you?” mum called from the lounge room a few minutes later. We shared the house together for us both to be able to save a bit of money. For the most part it worked quite well. She would go off to work each morning and I was working from home so that I could be with my two-year-old son, Drew. When we were home together we got along most of the time.

“I’m outside.” I stubbed out my cigarette and walked back inside to the lounge room to see what it was she wanted.

“Oh, it was nothing really” I could tell by the look on her face, mostly confusion, that it wasn’t quite nothing. She was curled up on the end of the lounge, with the TV on in the corner, looking through the door to the lounge room and up the hallway.

“I … uhh just saw someone walking into the kitchen from the hall,” she said, still with that far off kind of look on her face. I wondered why she didn’t look alarmed now that she knew it couldn’t have been me. I listened for some sort of noise that would signal a stranger in the house but heard nothing except the music and voice over of the ad currently on the TV.

“What do you mean you saw someone?” I thought I knew where this was heading now.

“It was a woman, I think, she was wearing a white dress or something.”

Now I definitely knew. My mum believed in some things that a lot of people dismiss as being ridiculous. My older sister could certainly testify to that. According to my mum, my sister was the reincarnation of my mother’s grandmother. A cat my sister had as a child was apparently that same grandmother’s husband. At least that’s how I think the story went, I was too young to remember.

Within a few minutes my mum had gone back to watching the TV and I had finished teasing her for seeing things. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in ghosts, actually I wasn’t sure if I did or not. I just hadn’t seen this “woman in white” and to me in most cases, seeing is believing.

Several days later Drew was again tucked up soundly sleeping in his bed. My mum and I were sitting at either end of the lounge watching something on the TV when my phone rang. I raced down the hall to answer it before it woke up Drew. It was a girlfriend who lived in Adelaide, this was going to take a while. I picked up my cigarettes and carried them out onto the verandah to sit while I had my chat. A few smokes and a lot of talking later, I was in need of a drink. As I listened to my girlfriend tell me about her latest job I went inside towards the kitchen. I got to the lounge room door and there was mum, curled up on the end of the lounge with that confused look on her face again.

“I just saw the lady in white walking at the end of the hall again!” She said as I passed and continued on to the kitchen. I simply shook my head and proceeded to relay this and the previous story to my girlfriend on the phone. We laughed and made jokes, but both admitted it was kind of creepy. I eventually hung up the phone and said good night to mum, deciding it was time to get to bed.

More time passed, mum rising each morning and going off to work leaving Drew and I home. Life, generally, was going along just as it should. Mum would come home from work and enjoy spending some time with her grandson. Usually we’d all be in the lounge room with Drew playing on the floor and chattering away to us or to himself. He’d recently made a new friend, Toby, he was the only one who could see Toby though. Mum and I would listen as Drew would have conversations with Toby, he would speak for Toby as he played with his cars and they would both give commentary on the races. My son had his first imaginary friend and we found it rather entertaining.

On one particular afternoon mum and I were sat on our lounge talking as Drew wandered around the room from one toy to another. I looked over at Drew and listened as he chattered away, this time it was only one side of a conversation. I nudged mum and pointed, so he wouldn’t stop on our account. He was looking up as he spoke and seemed to stop and listen at regular intervals. We watched quietly for a few minutes.

“Who are you talking to, sweety?” I ended up asking him, expecting the answer to still be Toby.

“The lady,” he replied, in a tone that said this was something I shouldn’t have needed to ask. Mum and I exchanged a quick look.

“What lady?” at this point the hair on the back of my neck was standing up.

“The lady in white … there.” He said, in a matter of fact manner, as he pointed to the spot he had been looking up at.

© 2005