Surviving the Days ... and the Weeks and the Torment.


Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you... I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to... The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete! I do not write for any form of external validation.. What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write... But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words! An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing... It had been locked away after it was used against me... Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Over Again

I woke this morning to Little boy at my bedroom door

"Mum, it's Christmas morning!" his excitement was catching

We spent the morning unwrapping, playing, assembling and playing more

I opened my pressie and choked up, so proud of my boy and his kind heart

Little boy went off to spend the rest of the day (and next 2weeks) with his Dad

I lunched out with my Mum, no cooking or cleaning definitely the way to go

The last two days with family is what it's all about, time and laughter shared

I hope you've enjoyed your Holiday, showing appreciation for those you care for

Don't take for granted those who mean the most, today or any other day!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Life...

I stood beside the bed looking at the frail old man sleeping

His body a shadow of what it was just a few short months ago

The rattle in his chest subsiding briefly only to return again

As I touched his hand and held it, his eyes opened slightly

Recognition showed in his face as he tried to speak

The mumbled words not quite able to break through the morphine

Little boy uneasily reached out and pat the hand on the side of the bed

I leant down and whispered goodbye, kissing the man on the cheek

I left the room almost certain that I will not see my grandfather again.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Uhhh

I've been rather uninspired, kinda, sorta

Perhaps pre-occupied is more the word I'm looking for

I've hardly been able to string two sentences together

I don't know if it's just the time of year or something else

So many moments and thoughts I've considered sharing

Yet I get here and my mind goes blank, emptiness overwhelming

Monday, December 12, 2005

Chameleon

My adult years have taught me many lessons

I've made many decisions I've later viewed as mistakes

Some of them I've even made more than once

Yet I've learnt from them all, made changes and grown

I was at eighteen vastly different to who I was at twenty, or am now

I try to find the positives in situations and take those away

I get angry, sad and hurt but I try to leave the negatives behind me

How sad it seems to me that someone I care about feels helpless

To see their confidence and self-esteem so low, hear it has always been

For someone to believe they are not even capable of growth or change

To have only ever known the facade they put up, hiding for so long

To hide behind lies, happy faces and manipulations many years

Change and growth would appear so overwhelming, where to start

But the belief it isn't possible, makes the reality of possibilities unlikely.

Chaotic Calm

The last week or more has been full on in many ways

Little Boy received his first ever trophy, he is very proud!

He questioned the existance of Santa, he's growing up..

My sister, who is yet to have children, held her kids Christmas party

The children had a great day playing games, eating lollies, seeing Santa

My brother found a new home, he and I slept on the floor after cleaning it

Then spent a day moving him in, I have bruises and exhaustion for the effort

Now I have the time to catch up on my own domestic needs

As I said, things are settling down, I think....

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Broken Peace

Just when you think everything is settling down

Something happens to wake you the hell up!

My mad week (two?) around my sister went well

It came to a finish and for a few hours I had quiet

Quiet came to an abrupt end and the new drama began

One on the verge of a breakdown at the actions of the other

Said "other" completely oblivious, by choice I think, of effects

I don't know what to do, or say.....

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Quickie

Oh how I wish I meant that title in a much better way

Good night out last night, even if some gave up early

Little sis still here, will blog properly in couple of days

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend ;-)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

An Indian, an Irishman and an Aussie Chick...

Sounds like the start of one of those terrible and predictable jokes doesn't it. It's not. I spoke to each of these while sitting on the phone to a company which will remain nameless. Now I'm going to rant, settle yourself in or go somewhere else before I start...

All of our consultants are taking other calls at present.

Which loosely translates to: Your account is worth diddly squat to us so we'll stuff you around as long as you'll let us.

Please hold and we will assist you as soon as possible.

Which translates to: If you're stupid enough to expect customer service from a customer service call centre you can damn well wait for one of our other idiots to take your call, when they have finished their smoke and their coffee and feel like doing some actual work.

I called this nameless company this morning and used an automated service, which apparently gets cleared every 30min, in an attempt to avoid the hassle of speaking to one of the company's drones. Three hours later my request still hadn't been actioned..

So I called and I pressed 3, and then 2 and then 5 and was greeted with the above message. In between the monotony of the message I was played the musical tunes of Dido. Ordinarily Dido wouldn't bother me, but coincidently I had spent the 2hours prior listening to the same CD. I'd heard enough for the day.

My call is answered first by the Indian guy. Between the broken english I soon discovered that he couldn't actually help me as he didn't have a computer in front of him and was only taking details so that someone could "call back sometime in the next 24hrs".

I was in a mood and wanted to speak to someone who could help, NOW.

So I was put back in the "queue" and the message began to replay, this time over the top of the theme from The X Files. It seemed more appropriate music to me. The next person to take my call was the Aussie chick. Without saying hello she asked for my account number and name, which I gave. She then begins to tell me that she'll have someone call me back. By this stage I was on my third smoke and in a mood worse than any "out there" creature from the X Files and more determined in my search for "the truth" than even Fox "Spooky" Mulder on a bad day. So after a few minutes of abuse and questions unanswered I was put back in the queue to wait for someone who DID have a computer and may (or may not) be capable of customer service.

This time I was greeted by the mellow sounds of "Enya". The steam coming from my ears began to twirl and drift into rythmic waves in time with the soft melodic music. My anger however didn't subside. By this stage I had been on the phone for over half an hour, but my stubborn streak would not allow me to hang up without speaking to someone and getting what I wanted.

The next human voice I heard was that of a young Irishman. I cut him off mid-sentence to ask if he was in fact in front of a computer. Surprise, surprise he was not. So I went back into the queue and lit another smoke.

My call was eventually taken by a tired and weary sounding woman. She was in front of a computer and did have access to my account details. "Hallelujah" I saved the hysterical laughter for after I got off the phone, through fear that I would completely freak this woman out and have her hang up on me, I didn't want to do this all again. Thirty seconds later she had done what I requested and was asking if there was anything else she could help me with....

I went through all of this because they had a "large volume" of calls coming in. It was a total of 90!! For a company this size I would have thought that was a slow part of the day! Now I'm just hoping they don't fuck up again.

I feel much better now that I've vented though!

If you've read all of this I pity you :-P