Surviving the Days ... and the Weeks and the Torment.


Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you... I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to... The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete! I do not write for any form of external validation.. What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write... But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words! An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing... It had been locked away after it was used against me... Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here!

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

No Escape

Well I've been thinking about something I haven't had

Something missing for a few months now (four to be exact)

Wondering why I'm missing it, why I want it yet I'm not seeking it out

Yes, I've been thinking about sex! The act, the need, the desire!

I've rarely had a length of time, this long without it

It's not like I'm wandering around each day all hot and horny

But I do miss it and I do want it, now I'm wondering why

I don't miss or want a relationship, I'm liking being single

I just feel like I'm lacking a form of expression, that release!

Sex can be a kind of escape for me, nothing matters but that moment

There is nothing in that moment except two bodies coming together

Absolute release, escape from the world around, absolute pleasure

Closing your eyes and letting your senses take over your body and mind

Allowing your hands, your lips, your tongue to do all the exploring

Letting your body feel every kiss, every lick, every touch, everywhere

The anticipation, the escalation in pleasure, the resulting peak, climax!

Where else can I get that sensation, that feeling, that escape?

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Just This

I feel like each day I'm being kicked in the stomach

The one person I thought would never hurt me

He needs no words to crush that piece of my heart which is his

The not knowing, wondering and speculation hurts the most

Intentional or not, the pain and disappointment don't change

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Up Down

Today is a day full of mixed emotions for me

It is my fathers birthday, I will call him tonight!

It is also 3yrs since a good friend passed away

I still find it hard to know I won't hear him laugh again!

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for a few weeks

So many things have touched me in different ways

I'm distracting myself today with writing fiction!

Monday, May 23, 2005

Known and Unknown

I'm not a person who has vivid and detailed memories of my childhood

Of course I remember things, days and events and general feelings

But I couldn't tell you in detail about my first day of school, like some can!

I could tell you I was anxious each morning in the first few months of school

I would drive my older sister mad, crying and begging her not to leave me

Then I would love every minute of the rest of the day, until the next morning!

I have memories in images, my lawn with "Happy Birthday" mowed in it by Dad

Riding backwards behind my sister on her motorbike going over small jumps

My dog caring for a litter of kittens after their mother had disappeared

These images are all scattered, in no particular order, fragments of memories!

Then I have other memories that if I close my eyes I can almost relive them

Sitting quietly, overhearing Dad's new girlfriend telling others of their engagement

Tears welling up, not only because I didn't like her but because I wasn't told first!

Being at my first boyfriends house, that first real kiss and someone who listened

My mum pulling up out the front screaming at me, I was never to see him again!

I could go through many of these, with varying degrees of sadness, anger and pain

But my general feelings about my childhood are that it was relatively happy

But the most pronounced of my memories are the ones when I felt downcast!

I wonder what it is Litte boy will remember of his youngest years?

Am I doing enough as his mother to give him the happiest of memories?

How many negatives do we need to become well balanced in adulthood?

I don't want Little boy to have to feel more pain, to have more hardship

Yet I know I cannot protect him from all the world, nor should I

When will I know that I am doing it all wrong, or right, or will I never know?

Friday, May 20, 2005

Experience it All

As I go through another of my low, or down periods

I basically just go through the motions of life

Nothing of any consequence is accomplished

Motivation is too minimal, I get stuck on this plateau

This by no means has been a long down phase

And it certainly hasn't been close to my lowest

But as I pull myself out of it I realise so much each time

I'm making a point to actually feel my emotions

I'm not dismissing my thoughts, feelings as quickly!

Almost nothing is felt during a low, I miss what is happening

Everything merely passes by unappreciated, without impact!

I realise there is plenty to gain in allowing myself to feel

The range of emotions from sadness and pain through to joy

Experiencing and knowing what it is I feel, working out why

Giving myself permission to let the emotion go right to my core!

Appreciating the pain in order to truly feel the joy of pleasure!

Taking each moment, each thought and feeling and being thankful!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Another test passed

I was taken by surprise today, caught completely off guard

If I'd had warning I'm not sure I'd have handled it any differently

No contact for three months has been the best thing for me

I realised so many things, some I should have always known

I amazed myself that the end was so final with only brief heartbreak

The blindfold taken off and I saw what had been in front of me so long

I made the decision and I stuck to it, I've not once regretted that decision!

Today was also good, the brief contact showed me I'd not been fooling myself

I really do feel and believe all that I had told myself when the end came!

It feels great to know that I truly am this strong, I am past that phase

How people treat me, and my response, is completely within my control

I will not be treated disrespectfully if I do not allow myself to be!

There is definite reason I have the people I have in my life

There is also reason I no longer have some people in my life!

I have no regrets, I remember what was good and learn from what was not!

I have nothing to gain from repeating this process, I've learnt this lesson!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Welcome Strangers

Several bloggers have expressed gratitude in recent days

Some of them have even been surprised by the kindness and care!

It doesn't surprise me to find genuine people in communities online

The online world is no different to the world we see outside

With all the dangers, predators and possibilities for harm

Comes so many positives and opportunities for pleasure!

Usually it is a matter of what you open your heart and mind to

What are you prepared to give in order to perhaps receive?

With open eyes and a healthy caution, the potential is endless

A kind word may have a ripple effect to touch so many people!

Comforting and thoughtful words from a stranger who understands

May touch us closer than words from a friend who can't understand!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Unconditional

I've been rather pensive in my entries of late.

Through every day and week, every high and low

I'm thankful to have my one constant shining light

Little boy is my source of happiness on even the greyest of days!

A hug and three words from him lift my spirit to unknown heights!

You never know how capable of love you are, until you have a child!

I remember my first ultrasound, tears flowing and the love filling me

It didn't become real until that moment, seeing that new life so small!

I watch him now and wonder how he continues to grow up so quickly!

I remember the flutter in my belly like none I'd ever felt before

Standing at my workdesk and realising I'd felt "him" move for the first time!

I watch him now with so much to do, so much to experience, never stopping!

I remember first holding him in my arms and crying, unable to stop smiling

Laying awake for those first nights, just to watch him sleep peacefully!

I watch him sleep now and listen to his dreams when he rises of a morning!

I remember so many moments, each filling my heart with infinite love!

No matter what my future holds, what challenges lay ahead of me

I have happiness and love never ending just by looking at Little boy!

Friday, May 13, 2005

No Time, All Time

Time is a strange thing when you think about it

It is something nobody has any control over

For most people control is an essential

Some days pass so quickly you wonder where the time goes

While others seem to drag on endlessly, usually the bad days

This month, so far for me, has been a combination of both

The days pass almost unnoticed, yet the weeks drag on

I've been unable to apply myself to all that I should

Doing only what is necessary to get through each day

My mind has been on friendships and their meaning

Later this month marks the third anniversary of a lost friend

I still miss his smile and laughter, the middle of the night calls

I think of him almost every day and all that was left unsaid

Our time ran out and I no longer had the opportunity to tell him

I hope he knew how thankful I was for his friendship

At a time when I was trying to hide from the world!

So much time is wasted, we don't know how much we have

I learnt to leave nothing unsaid, tell it how it is today!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Where to

The workings of friendships and relationships is consuming my mind

I do apologise if it is becoming rather monotonous

I'm feeling so many emotions; hurt, anger and sadness among them

I have immeasurable respect for relationships, mine and others

I also cherish the close friendships that I have

I don't feel one should have to be at the cost of the other

I'm angry that one of my friendships is being defined (by another) by sex

The fact that we did have sex does not define what our friendship was or is

The fact that sex is in our past does not mean it is in our future

I'm sad that another of my friendships has caused questions in a relationship

I will always be honest, especially with those I care most about

I will always support them and only ever want their happiness!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Deja vu

I cooked dinner for my (best?) friend tonight

Having not seen him for a few months

I was looking forward to it, as was Little boy

It is not the same, so much is guarded

But it wasn't uncomfortable nor tense

He shared more with me than he had for a long time

He explained one reason he'd not made much effort recently

Apparently, our friendship makes his girlfriend feel awkward!

A situation very similar to that which I found myself in on Saturday!

I really do not understand these women (or most women for that matter)

I was assured that our friendship would not be sacrificed!

I guess I have to wait and see what cost will be paid though!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Calculating Insecurity

I know that I'm not responsible for other peoples irrational reactions

But I do find it upsetting to be part of the excuse used for a reaction

After enjoying the afternoon and evening it took me by surprise

I've tried not to judge on a past I didn't see, but I saw this

Not only did I see it, I think it relates directly back to that past

A past well hidden, a past which has held no (needed) consequences

I'm not a threat, I'm not a reason for jealousy nor insecurity

Although, personally, I doubt the depth of insecurity, instead manipulation

Manipulating situations will not work for long, it will begin to work against you

I'm not sure I like you, I definitely don't trust you, but I don't need to

I hope that my instincts are wrong, I hope you are all that he thinks you are

I see that you make him happy, I honestly hope that doesn't change!

All of Nothing

Having not been online for a few days I'm now catching up

Have plenty to blog about yet no smooth flowing thoughts

From the show on Friday, to catching up with friend on Saturday

Insecurities and attention seeking, knowing when to keep quiet

The different dynamics of relationships and their changes

Mothers day and a lovely day with Little boy and family

All of these and more to blog about but I got distracted

So many alerts to read and places to visit and then

I get to here and see new toys to play with and still no clue!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Do you see what I see?

This evening I’ve felt like a child running through an amusement park on a sugar rush!

A wide-eyed, open-mouthed look of wonder has crossed my face with each new and exciting sight!

Apologies in advance if this becomes a very long winded babble of very little interest to anyone but me!

But perhaps I should start this with back when I was a child, of around age 5 or 6

Each child was given a basic eye test at school, and mine picked up a possible problem,

My parents were told I had a lazy eye and may have trouble reading from a distance

Nothing major, they were aware and as it didn’t appear to present a problem it was soon forgotten

A little older I noticed a minor problem, while playing number plate games on a long trip in the car

Unless the driver was tailgating the car in front (not often the case) I was unable to make out the letters

Loss of a few travel games was not the end of my world, so an optometrist visit wasn’t on my agenda

And so it went on, as an adult I was more aware of a problem but never enough to do anything

Which brings us to a couple of weeks ago, I finally did take the step into an optometrist

I had my eyes tested for the second time ever, this time I didn’t have to hold a wooden spoon over one eye!

Yes I needed glasses! No surprise at all for me, at least until I saw the price tag of my first $300 pair

So today, I got my new glasses and wore them for the first time!

The new and exciting things I saw included; signs above aisles in the supermarket, from outside the checkouts

The menu board and the prices of the take away place where mum got her dinner

The subtitles and advertisements across the bottom of the television screen while I watched a show,

Now at least I know who’s paying for those scrolling messages, which have annoyed me so often!

Oh it is great to be able to see, for 20 years I never knew I was missing so much!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Just Life

Having a very uninspired week

The mundane has taken over

Accompanied by the tedious!

Little boy happy back at school

Me, annoyed with my study!

Plans for the weekend

Perhaps lighter and more inspirational!