Why

It's just after midnight

A new day and a new month

What the hell was I thinking

I doubt I can even get close

I'd get nowhere if I didn't try

So I'm giving it a shot, I'm insane!

Let it begin....

Good Luck to any other poor souls!

Nudge

Just wanted to move other post down a little.
Made a few changes around here, what do you think?

Flashback

I haven't listened to this CD in such a long time

Because I simply can't help but think of you when I do

It reminds me of that night, we both enjoyed so much

It reminds me how safe I felt, how comfortable I felt

It reminds me of our love, our friendship, of our closeness

I sit here now with fresh tears flowing...

It reminds me that it is all gone...

Off on a rant

It's been a long time since I've had a rant about anything in blog form. It's not that nothing has fired me up but I just figure there are plenty of other people who rant so much better.

In the last few days I've read three separate stories which have got under my skin.

For those not wanting to click away, the first is from Poland where a 14yr old girl hung herself with a skipping rope after being stripped by several boys in front of her class and having them simulate raping her. All of which was filmed on someone's mobile phone.

The second story is from here in Aus., and is about a DVD which was being sold in several Victorian schools. The DVD was made by and featured up to a dozen boys (16-17yr olds) who, amongst other things, filmed their sexual assault on a developmentally delayed 17yr old girl.

The third story has hit the headlines here today and features quotes from a Sheik. apparently from an address he gave last month during a Ramadan sermon. One of the quotes:

"If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it ... whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?"

The Sheik is comparing the "uncovered meat" to women. There is some debate over the context of these lines and others. The initial headlines were referring to rape, others are saying he was merely talking about sex outside of a marriage. (If you ask me, the context is almost irrelevant as his whole view of women is pretty fucked up.)

Okay, so there we have the three stories. So many things disturb me about all of these stories. It saddens me that these are just three stories and yet I know there are countless others from here and around the world. Sexual assaults happen far too regularly in this world. I'm wondering what we are doing about it.

I look at these stories as a woman who has been raped and also as a mother raising a son. We have children failing to be taught respect for women, or just all people. Our children are failing to be taught anything about sex and what it means. What are we teaching our children for them to think that this behaviour is acceptable? In the case of the boys who made the DVD, there were some parents who were aware of it's existence, and it's content, and they did nothing about it (at least until the media got a hold of the story and ran with it) because they put it down to nothing more than a bit of a joke. Then we have a Sheik speaking to the muslim community in this country and basically giving men an excuse, because the women are just a piece of meat offering themselves to the animals. Is it any wonder we've had several high profile rape, and gang rape cases against young muslim men who have then tried to use their culture as a defense. At this point it doesn't seem to matter what religion or race you are, the values of sex and women* are simply not being learnt.

My son is not yet of an age where I have to worry about sex but when he is, will all that I teach him be enough? With so many conflicting messages from society and the community will he be able to decide on the right messages? Children are commiting these sexual crimes and thinking nothing of it. Other children are standing by and watching these crimes, saying nothing and that is not okay either. Yet more still are watching the films of these crimes online or buying a $5 DVD in the schoolyard and thinking that they're not as bad, they're only watching afterall. Parents are finding out and sitting back, doing nothing. By doing nothing we are saying that it is okay, that it's no big deal and it doesn't matter.

I for one think it does matter. It is not okay to sit back quietly and think, that simply because it is not your son committing the crime, that it is just a bit of a joke. I can tell you that being raped is never a joke. I can also tell you that it hurts just as much when other people dismiss it as "nothing".

I hope that I can teach my son all the values that need to go with sex and respect for women and that other parents start taking responsibility for what their own children are taught too.


*before anyone mentions the reverse, assaults on men, I'm not dismissing them entirely I'm just not in the position to comment with limited knowledge.

A Chance to Test

Some have told me I've built walls

That I'd not allow anyone new in

I didn't agree but began to question

A chance meeting put it to the test

There is no hesitation in sharing

I was open to all possibilities

But some have been ruled out

Not through fear or unwillingness

They're simply not options in this case

It is good to know several things

I'm not as cold as some would believe

I'm willing, open when it comes down to it

My choices continue to feel right

Fiction Draft ~ Just One Night - Parts 3/4

Part 1
Part 2


8:40pm, Friday

In the safety of the bus Rose began to calm. She stood beside the driver as he drove past the McDonalds and continued down the road. As she felt the shaking subside she realised she was still to pay for a ticket and reached into her bag to retrieve her purse. Thankfully the driver had not yet spoken to her, she wasn’t sure speech was an ability she could master just at this moment. Concentrating on her breathing she counted out the change she needed and took the seat directly behind the driver.

Now that Rose had managed to calm her nerves she looked up into the rearview mirror at the drivers face. He was quite young and, Rose thought, quite handsome. His dark hair was neatly cut, short back and sides, and he only had a slight hint of a five-o’clock shadow. What caught Rose’s attention, however, were his eyes. His eyes were a shade of blue she couldn’t quite name, so clear and bright, so calm and so alive. It felt, to her, like looking into the eyes of a thousand souls who’d each lived for a thousand years, and this was just in the mirror.

It was a few moments before Rose realised the bus was not moving and the lips of the driver were. Mesmerised by his eyes, she’d been staring and now blushed at having been caught.

“Are you ok?” he asked, probably not for the first time.

“Oh …. Umm yes I think so, my nerves are just a little on edge” Rose replied quietly.

She stood up and again moved beside the driver intending to pay her fare and inform him she was going all the way to the train station. This was the first time Rose had actually looked the driver directly in the face, and those eyes.

Out of nowhere she began to hear voices, lots of them all talking at once, no one voice discernible from another, too many to count. To say she heard them wouldn’t exactly be right, it was not sound that traveled through the air to her ears. The voices were all speaking but there was no noise. They were all speaking loudly and constantly as she looked into the driver’s eyes. Putting a hand to the side of her head in a vain attempt to block the noise, it was persistent and overwhelming, she thought that this must be how it feels to lose your mind. No words were reaching her from all of these voices, but plenty of emotion was. These people, hundreds of them at least, were angry, hurt and in pain, immeasurable pain and sadness. Each of these feelings enveloped Rose and they became real feelings to her. An intolerable pain grew from her head and spread throughout her entire body within a moment of her hearing the voices. She tried to grab hold of the back of a seat to steady herself as the pain overcame her. She lowered her eyes.

Concern was etched into the young drivers face everywhere but his eyes. His eyes never changed, they remained clear and bright. He stepped out of his seat in time to catch Rose by her arm as she struggled to remain standing. He steadied her and helped her return to the seat behind him. Without saying another word to her he slipped back into the driving seat and continued on his route. The voices that had been thundering in her head only a moment ago were now fading to a whisper.



9.15pm, Friday

Pulling in to the bus terminal alongside the train station Brad glanced into the mirror, the young woman remained in the seat behind him, still his sole passenger. She had not spoken a single word to him since he’d helped her sit back down. He desperately wanted to ask her about what she had felt during the little episode only minutes ago. Instead he opened the doors, turned in his seat and waited as she stood and moved to get off. She paused for a moment on the top step but without even a glance at him she continued down them. He watched as she walked in front of the bus and away from the station, crossing the road and heading towards the pub on the corner. Brad lit a cigarette and continued to watch as she approached the pub.

Having reached the pub in only a few minutes the young woman stood outside, she looked like she was waiting for someone. Just as Brad was about to let his curiosity die, a man walked up and embraced the young woman. Brad watched as the woman kissed the newcomer on the cheek, surprised at feeling some relief that this man didn’t appear to be a boyfriend. He watched as the two walked into the pub and out of his sight.

Finishing his cigarette Brad again moved into the drivers seat. He was relieved his workday was over, he only had to park the bus and then he was free for the weekend. Now he had plans for the night ahead. He knew he had to talk to that woman. The depot was only a short drive down the road, past the pub she had entered. He glanced in the pub window as he passed, hoping to get a glimpse of her again but she wasn’t in the front bar.

Having parked the bus and locked it up for the night, Brad began walking back towards the pub. Thinking to himself, as he walked, of the best approach to talk to this woman. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the memory of feeling sheer joy and happiness overwhelm him, as it had when he looked into her eyes for those brief seconds. Brad had never felt such happiness before, so content in that moment. He remembered hearing babies giggling and children laughing, wondering where the sound was coming from. For that moment he felt energised beyond anything he’d felt before. He longed to experience that feeling again. He wondered why the woman had almost collapsed, shaking, what had she felt in that moment?

He stood on the footpath outside the pub, looking inside at the dimly lit front bar. Hesitating to walk inside to look for this woman he knew nothing about, this woman he just had to speak to. Seconds turned into minutes, as he stood there, now unsure that he hadn’t imagined the feelings and sounds he’d heard back on the bus. A young boy laughed and Brad turned around, not really expecting to see the child, he didn’t. He took a deep breath and walked inside.



© 2005

You

There are some of you I feel I've neglected

There is no reason or excuse for this

I've been a little off, a little unfocused

I have been thinking of you often

Just felt the need to say that




Will blog properly later many thoughts, no sequence yet :-)

Fiction Draft ~ Just One Night - Part 2

Read Part 1 first.

8:30pm, Friday

Brad turned the bus’ lights off and opened the door thankful that he was early and could have a cigarette. He’d parked the bus at the first stop on his next, and final, route of the night. He maneuvered himself out of the driving seat and stood on the bottom step as he lit his smoke. Looking up the street, he saw his first four stops, he could see as far as the McDonalds sign before the road curved to the right. The only waiting passenger was at the shelter just before the shopping centre, definitely female from that profile, he smiled as he thought.

Brad closed his eyes as he took another drag on his smoke, at thirty-five it was his only remaining really bad habit and he enjoyed every second of every cigarette. He reasoned that his time in the gym and working long shifts allowed him this one vice. He checked his watch, still a few minutes before he had to get going. Although he had no plans for the rest of the night he was looking forward to the end of his shift. As much as he liked driving the bus, by Friday night all he wanted was to sit down somewhere quiet with a beer and not have to listen to the relentless chatter of people, young and old.

Faint voices carried through the night air and Brad again looked in the direction he was soon to drive. There was now a group of people, mostly young men by the looks of it, nearing the bus shelter. The group came to a stop when they reached the shelter and appeared to crowd in front of the young woman who was still seated. The voices he could hear were too faint to make anything of them.

He took another drag on his smoke and checked his watch. Something about his waiting passengers, the woman in particular, was making him uneasy. He didn’t have a sister or wife, but if he did he certainly wouldn’t want her traveling alone at night. He put out his cigarette, even though it was only half finished and it still wasn’t quite his timetabled time to leave, and maneuvered himself back into his seat. He wondered how some of his co-workers, with their middle age spread, managed to squeeze past the ticket machine to the drivers seat.

As he started the engine, closed the door and turned the headlights on Brad didn’t take his eyes off the group down the road. It was too dark to see what they were doing, they were all too close together. He put the bus into gear and pulled out behind a dark green Ford Falcon, the only other vehicle traveling on the road at that moment.

He traveled the several hundred metres to the shelter quite quickly and pulled up. He had been right, there was one woman and he counted six young men, probably in their twenties waiting at the shelter. The group only noticed his impending arrival at the sound of the high-pitched squeal of his worn brakes. Brad opened the door and turned the interior lights on. His eyes focused on the young woman, now standing and clutching her bag, and remained fixed. To him she looked shaken, frightened even. The young men were still crowded in front of her, now blocking her access to the bus, but made no move to themselves get on. Not a word had been spoken since Brad opened the bus’ doors and all eyes were on the woman.

“Excuse me fella’s, you want to get on the bus or get out of the way?” Brad eventually asked, more politely than he was inclined to be.

One by one the men turned to face him, still silent. Their expressions spoke volumes when they did face him. None of them were happy about his arrival, but slowly they stepped aside. Head down, the woman made her way to the bus and stepped onto the first step. As she did one man reached out and grabbed her by the elbow pulling her close to him and whispered something in her ear. Visibly shaking the woman freed her arm and climbed the remaining steps. Brad closed the door behind her and began to drive even before he’d taken her fare.


© 2005

Fiction Draft ~ Just One Night - Part 1

8:15pm, Friday

Rose walked with her head held down, watching but not seeing as she crossed each crack in the concrete without stepping on even one. She was lost in her own world of thoughts as she made her way to the bus stop. Rose was twenty-five and had never found it necessary to get a drivers license. She lived and worked in areas where public transport was mostly reliable.

She was happy to be different, in fact she prided herself on those minor differences. While her peers had always dressed in their trendy label clothes, Rose always opted for comfort and her own tastes. When Rose turned seventeen and all her friends had booked their driving tests for their birthdays she had instead simply celebrated. Now as she reached the bus shelter, and read the timetable only to realise she had twenty minutes to wait, she sighed and sat on the dented aluminium seat. While the neighbourhood provided reliable public transport it wasn’t a place that made a young woman traveling alone at night feel safe.

Rose placed her handbag on her lap and opened it to look for her compact, turning sideways on the seat so that the streetlight above shed her some light. She found it at the bottom of the small bag and opened it to look into the small mirror. Having only spent half an hour getting herself ready Rose thought she had done well. Her make-up was flawless, although she still wasn’t sure the toffee lipstick had been the right choice. The time it took to get ready was reduced due to the new haircut she was sporting. Rose had shaved her hair very short, to the amazement of her family and friends and all in the name of charity, just a few weeks ago. She put the compact back in her bag, happy that she looked just as she had when she’d looked in the mirror before leaving home.

Crossing her legs and leaning back Rose again praised herself on her latest clothing purchase. The new charcoal jeans she was wearing were a size twelve and she had been surprised to fit into them. She was also glad that having lost some weight she hadn’t lost any from her chest. The pale pink singlet she had on made the most of her body’s natural curves.

As she sat Rose looked across the street. Watching the car park of the small local shopping centre slowly empty. Next to the centre was a McDonalds which, as is often the case, had become the meeting place for young people before they head out elsewhere. Rose watched as a group of young men walked through the car park, having just left the McDonalds, and made their way to cross the road. She counted six, but there may have been more, the shadows of the trees that lined the footpath made it hard to see clearly. Each of the men she could see, and now hear, as they got closer, seemed to be in their late teens or early twenties. Several of them were wearing white muscle shirts two sizes too small paired with pants two sizes too large. They apparently call that fashion, she thought to herself.

Rose looked up the street hoping the bus would arrive before the young men got much closer, but it wasn’t yet in sight. She was nervous, without really knowing why. Holding her bag just a little closer she reminded herself that not all young men in the area were thugs. All the articles in the local newspaper looking for young perpetrators of muggings, break and enters and an array of other crimes were the exception, not the rule. She felt only slightly more comfortable knowing that she always carried some money and her keys in the pocket of her jeans. If anyone wanted to take her handbag they could have it. This line of thought was not uncommon for Rose, she was at times overly cautious when it came to human nature, some may even call her slightly paranoid.

The group was at the side of the road when Rose looked back, waiting for several cars to leave the car park before they could cross. She could hear fragments of conversation, not enough to know what they were talking about, and occasionally the group would break into laughter. Just a group of friends heading somewhere for a good night, Rose thought to herself, I just hope they don’t need a bus to get there too. As the young men crossed the road Rose saw one of them look towards her and smile. She turned and looked up the street, again hoping to see an approaching bus.

© 2005

Revisiting Rose

Back at the place that shall remain nameless I began to write a fictional story which I posted in parts as I did them. I never got around to finishing them at the time. Well I've managed to find it again (bit of drama there between nameless site going down, my failure to get around to transferring everything and a new computer) and I'm hoping over the next few weeks/months, depending on how long it ends up, to finish it off.

So I'm starting from the beginning again, I'll post the original 5 parts plus the 6th, which is written already, fairly quickly and then hopefully the rest at least regularly. I'm hoping that by doing this it will get me further back into my writing since I'm still not quite where I want to be, but I'm now wanting to write more.

So hope you all enjoy it, again.

Roundup

Well we survived the holiday

Not quite as relaxing as I'd have liked

More social than I anticipated

But a good getaway none the less

Little Boy went back to school today

For once he looked forward to it

I'm not aware of further "buttplug" comments*

Three frustrating days searching for Brad and Rose

I found them, will get reacquainted this week hopefully



* Little Boy spent time with a couple of teenage boys while we were away and picked up some of their more colourful language, briefly

Howdy

Just a quick note to say hello :-)

You've all been blogging away and I'll have to wait 'til I get home to catch up (apart from the rather entertaining shit happening over at Tom's blog hehe You are a bloody drama queen Tom). I've been down here 4days, or there abouts, yet it feels like at least twice that! Went to party, which was not as bad as I anticipated and I was drunk anyway. Have had people coming and going the whole time I've been here. Managed to get a swim in yesterday although it is debateable just how good an idea that was, it was a little cold. I haven't had my pen and paper out AT ALL, so that idea went out the window pretty quickly. Well that's it in a nutshell, will blog properly when I get home!

Off, off and almost away...

Boring rambling to follow.....

I don't really have a lot to say but I wanted to blog before I went away so here it is. It's school holidays again and so I'm taking Little Boy down the coast for a few days. we don't leave until Friday afternoon but I think I'm going to be flat out before then. I'm actually looking forward to getting away for a few days, it should be interesting if nothing else.

I'll finally get to witness my sister's relationship first hand and see if I think as little of it after that as I do now. I'll be able to catch up with Dad and see how he's dealing with one less daughter at home (sort of). I'll be able to spend some time with my other Sis too. She's getting older now and I want to form that close relationship I now have with her sister. I should also be able to take more pics out and around the place, so much to capture down there.

Little Boy is looking forward to it all too, even if he does miss out on seeing the V8's run at Bathurst. I'm hoping it will be warm enough for us to get some swimming in, he could use the practice.

I'm also going to try to spend a little time each day writing. After my challenge to blog every day for a week, I'm now going to try to write every day for a week (you know, with a pen and paper) and maybe that will kick me back into gear properly.