I'm doing you a huge favour tomorrow
One that I adore doing, mind you
But the least you could do is ask me
As of now I've only been told by others
Courtesy could be shown with a simple call
I'm angry that you could be so rude
That I take great pleasure in doing
Doesn't mean it should be taken for granted
It's sometimes amazing what can make me happy
It can be the simplest of things or the greatest
The simplest today; a good morning text as I lay in bed
The greatest; the longest drought for a team broken
Then there's all the other ones somewhere in between
Finally got that courtesy call I was waiting for
Enjoyed a day alone and peaceful (apart from my blaring stereo)
And an unexpected call which left a smile on my face long after
I have a good feeling, my instincts are telling me something
I'm not afraid to hear it and I'm bringing that wall down with a crash!
I hate writing about not being able to write
But for at least a week I've had nothing
It was starting to get rather frustrating
Hopefully it has gone again, for now
*** *** *** *** *** ***
I've never been one to spend a day shopping
Wandering countless shops, buying the occasional item
It's just not me, never was nor will it ever be
I don't mind shopping for others, rarely for myself
There is a condition, I have to know exactly what I'm getting!
Today I went shopping for my nephew's b'day pressie
Now you would think a 9-year-old boy would be easy
Especially since I have my own almost 8-year-old
But no, I had no clue what I was getting or looking for
It was made worse as I was buying three pressies
Mum and sis caught up at work, sent me for the job
Worse again because bro and SIL were no help at all
Several hours later, countless sms and calls later
I had pressies in hand, claustrophobia starting to kick in
Get to the checkout, the card I intended to use had expired
Just another day reiterating why I don't like shopping!
But hey, nephew will be happy and that's what counts, right?!
Feeling isolated and very alone
Standing lone, surrounded by people
The wall has been rebuilt unknowingly
The barrier between trust and comfort
I will not play the victim to others
I know that it is of my own doing
I've chosen how I react to them
Betrayal of some does not exclude all
Yet the fear of more pain confines me
To keep everyone out is to be safe
The cost is high, I'm not willing to pay
The wall will once again be destroyed
That I can't say the words or have you hear them
Doesn't give them any less meaning
That I can't touch you, see you or speak to you
Doesn't change the need and desire to do so
I took for granted that you would always be here
Time does not heal, only making it all the more real
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
I can't help feeling disappointed, still
I can't help feeling the rejection, still
I can't help feeling the betrayal, still
I can't help feeling the heartache, still
I can't help feeling this way, still
You would be thirty-four today
I still miss your smile, your voice, your laugh
It is unfair your time was cut short
Yet I am forever grateful to have known you
You will remain in my heart always
I can't help but smile each day
Little boy is full of innocence and love
I can be proud of how he is growing up
This week has been no different
He constantly amazes me, his spirit
He can be so kind and generous
Without a thought of himself
His gentle nature touches me
I may not be the best mum in the world
I do the best I can with what I know
I must be getting it at least half right
I've been feeling rather anti-social of late
I'd tell you why, if only I knew myself
Everything I've written has been deleted
Nothing is complete in my mind, nor on paper
If I was down it would at least make sense
I think a level of frustration is returning...
