Appreciate What You Have

Silly season is in full swing in more ways than one for me
Incentive and inspiration have been lacking for words
Little boy's excitement is growing as each day passes
Getting into the "Spirit" is not too hard with the boy

Yet with Him things have been tense to say the least
I'm not sure in my heart or head about much at all
The love is still strong and sure so that says something
But at what cost will it be to preserve that love

This time of year is all about children, family and friends
So I am enjoying, perhaps sometimes enduring festivities
Little boy is almost on holidays so the chaos is about to peak
Though we have learnt from last year to appreciate it all!

Simplicity

Perhaps love is never simple

Perhaps love is not enough

How long can I keep doing this

So much has changed

Yet so much has stayed the same

Am I to compromise on my own needs

Am I to blind myself to the truth

Destruction may only be one step away

While chance of success seems to be slipping

Yet I could choose to walk away now

That is something I still control!

If only it were that simple!

Words Failing

So many things that I could say
Yet words are failing me of late!
Stress, confusion and anger are rife
But to put into words is far from simple!
Not all is so negative

I drifted in memories after a question
Drifted back to a time I was young
I was enjoying working, I was just 18
I would work all week to party all weekend
I was not stupid or too naive, I was having fun

I met a "great guy" and we continued the fun
Obstacles were quickly overcome, it was all good
I was late, we both came back to earth with a thud
Though we'd only been together a short time
I was pregnant and we were having a baby

"How did you feel as a pregnant teen?"
This is the question that sent me back to the memories
I always hated the term "pregnant teen" applied to me
I had been working, paying bills for over a year
After all I was an adult!

For me there was never a question of what I should do
I was scared shitless, but I was on my way to motherhood
I would have done it alone if need be, I have now anyway
My family was supportive, his tried to be in their own way
I loved every minute of being pregnant, of life growing within!

I don't believe anyone can be "prepared" for their first child
Age is of little consequence in that regard
You're never prepared for the ultimate in pain, during labour
You're never prepared for the complete turning upside down of life
You're certainly never prepared for the love you are capable of

So I guess as a "pregnant teen" I felt like most first time mothers
Scared that I would not be a good mother
Excited and scared that I was responsible for a new little person
Most of all I felt this indescribable love from the second I knew
I wouldn't have believed it could become stronger, but it has!

Perhaps I'm looking back through rose tinted glasses

Here we go again

I can feel it creeping up on me

Walking the aisle of the supermarket,

I can see it creeping

Reading the School newsletters,

I can see it creeping

Invitations to parties and celebrations,

I can feel it creeping

Anticipation

Lips meeting in a passionate kiss

The gentle exploration of tongues

Arms encircling each other

The sweet touch of skin on skin

Exposure of our wants, our needs

Bodies coming together with intensity

Enjoying each other completely

Letting go of all else to savour the pleasure

Safe in the knowledge of our love

Impossibly Real

Something that was so far from what I wanted

Something that was so not an option

Something that was so unexpected

I didn't know where he was or how he was

I constantly thought about what could have been

I was determined not to go backwards

So many changes were made in that time

Friendship was all I had left to offer

Yet complete love is what I felt inside

Something that is impossible to fight

Something that is meant to be

Something that is so right!

Cancel the Equilibrium

Does there always have to be a balance

Where the good times, people and events

Have to equal the bad times, people and events?

What began as a great w/e turned quickly

The wonderful prospect of most of it spent with him

As well as catching up with a friend was a bonus

Almost precisely halfway through, with all going well

More I was looking forward to, a complete turnaround

Was I getting more than my share of good times

Goose

Some people believe everything happens for a reason

Some people say there is no such thing as a coincidence

Some believe in destiny, fate, predestination

Some say they make their own fate or destiny

Me, I'm not all that sure about anything

I think for the most part we choose our paths

Perhaps that allows room for a little serendipity

Whichever it may be, right now I won't complain

I've written before about "Forever" and him

It seems like so much time has passed again

Yet from an outsider I expect some scepticism

The depth and intensity between us is beyond words

I don't expect it to be all roses and perfection

I'm just happy to have him back again

I'm prepared to do what it takes to make us stronger

I know that I love him and that he loves me!

What's the Verdict

How do we judge ourselves

What is it in our own eyes that makes a success

We are, of course, our harshest critic

Is it having the 'perfect' relationship

Climbing the ladder to success in a career

Raising and maintaining the perfect family

Getting over and around the troubles

Keeping a positive attitude after all the shit

Sharing yourself and your love with others

What do others judge us by

Does it matter what they think

If they think you're dirt, are you

How do we judge ourselves

What is it in our own eyes that makes a success

We are, of course, our harshest critic

Please Sir, may I have some more?

Is it possible to make everyone happy all of the time

Is it possible to be happy all of the time

Is it possible to stop yearning for more

Is it possible to stop asking for more

It is the simple things that bring the most happiness

But it is in our nature to always want more

So much more is being asked of and by us every day

More money, more time, more love, more trust

How many take more than they can give

How many do not know how to really take

How many only give in order to receive

How many understand the true value

Simple Pleasure

Do people still find sexuality a confronting issue

I am honest, perhaps even blunt, I hide nothing

Amongst friends that includes my sexual nature

I don't think the subject, or acts, should be confined

Pleasure should not induce feelings of embarrassment

So much of that pleasure comes from the mind

Openness can stimulate the mind, enhancing the act

Yet it seems double standards still run rampant

I find no shame in admitting the joys of sex

Do you

Essentially Incomplete

Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you

I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to

The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete

I do not write for any form of external validation

What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write

But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words

An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing

It had been locked away after it was used against me

Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here

Don't Grow Up

Like most kids I couldn't wait to grow up

And I did, quicker than most in many ways

As you reach the teen years you realise

It may not be all you had initially thought it was

But then you hit that magic age, 18, an adult at last!

You have a voice that is heard and a vote that counts

You no longer need that fake ID to buy smokes

You can legally club and drink all night long

You join the working masses

You have independence and there's no turning back

The "real world" isn't so magnificent

Work, bills and responsibilities slap you in the face

Over and over again

You find out just how much, or how little

Growing up really happened in all those years

Then the cycle begins again with a new generation

As a mother now I find myself desperately trying

Trying not to make the same mistakes as my mother

Trying not to make too many new mistakes

Trying to hold onto my son's childhood

How do we know when we're getting it right

Do we only find out when they've grown up

Over

Exhausted: Mentally and physically

Tired: Can sleep in my bed, alone

Disappointed: Small let down, will be easy to forget

Confused: Men

Happy: Good friends will always bring back a smile

Home: With my boy, nothing like it

Awake

There is a fine line between harmony and chaos

Balancing can be difficult when you can't see that line

Often times happiness and discontent are then not far apart

How much of our lives do we consciously choose

How many days do we stroll through mechanically

Only to open our eyes one morning to the realisation

That now we are here we must choose where to go next

I need a way to keep my eyes always open

To be aware of where I am heading

To avoid surprises of where my subconscious has led me

I need to start thinking with my head!

Overwhelmingly Discombobulated

I don't find it easy to trust

I am cautious of who I allow into my life

Those I do allow in, I give my all

I do enjoy the company of those I care about

I feel extremely lucky most of the time

Other times, completely overwhelmed

I sometimes see myself as a burden

I wonder what I could possibly offer

Scared of disappointing or becoming tiresome

In the effort to please others

I lose sight of what truly pleases me

Feeling pressure that may only exist in my head

I'm being pulled in several directions

Each with its own merits and downfalls

Perhaps the pulling is merely my own perception

Maybe I won't disappoint

Is it selfish to choose for my own benefit

To give less to others and allowing to give to myself

Blind

So quick to judge

So many false assumptions

Bitter words, ultimately empty

It is not I who you know

Nor do I know you, I don't care to

There is no reason

He is who I'm getting to know

He is who you know

You are quite irrelevant to me

You only hurt yourself with your actions

Smooth Sailing

Nothing ever runs smoothly

Why would I expect it to.

I laughed as I read to my son

"Oh, The Places You'll Go"

"You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose"

So simple it sounds

To a child of six 'tis a story alone

To anyone else it reminds us

We are the creators of our destiny

"And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done."

Perhaps that manual I was after

Can be found in the words of Dr Seuss

"All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot."

Surrounded by people

Yet more often than not I am alone

"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 per cent guaranteed.)"

There is hope for me still!

After the day that I've had

I'm grateful I can still laugh!

Forever

There is a certain pleasure in finding someone and falling in love

Nothing can compare to that feeling and nothing can replace it

There can be similar pleasure found in finding a friend to love

The connection of heart and mind is formed and designed to last forever

All designs are flawed and rarely does forever last that long

The pain felt when you're hurt by those you love is also unique

Sometimes the only forever within that connection is the loss

Today I made contact with a friend who had said forever

We both had hurt and been hurt, I thought there was no return

Sometimes when it looks as though all is lost

You just need to take a moment to not only look, but step forward

Today I smile, a friend has returned and perhaps this forever will be

Trying

I attempt to live IN each day
I don't wish to know what tomorrow brings
I already know what yesterday held
It is today that makes a difference

As with anything, an attempt is not always successful

The tomorrows hold little fear for me
Yesterday seems intent on staying close at hand
And today is in danger of passing too quickly
I need not go back from where I came

Perhaps it is purely a choice that somehow must be made

Am I truly a creation shaped by all of the past
It may not be beneficial to forget my yesterdays
Yet surely to remember all serves a lesser purpose
Do I find the common ground as I get older

Lessons in life still to be learnt, but it would seem I lost my manual

Open

I'm a very open person with people close to me

They know that I love them and they know everything about me

I also like to know everything about them

This is easier for some than it is for others

I don't judge or use things against people

They learn this given time

I can't know what another thinks without being told

So it is appreciated when I am

Thankful

Upon waking this morning I knew it was going to be a hard day

A restless nights sleep complete with miserable slide-show of memories

I'm yet to realise what it is that triggers these nights

But they are most often followed by a day of endless mind fucks

My seemingly self-induced nightmares follow me through to the daylight hours

I suppose I should be thankful they no longer permeate my every night


I do have many things to be thankful for

I must consciously remember that

Part Of Me

It's not so much that I don't know which label applies,

I don't need any one label, I have many.

I'm trying to remember who I am, to me.

What makes those labels fit me.

Which are temporary or malleable.

And which are unyielding and constant.

I am a mother, first and foremost, always.

Friends know that and accept it as a part of me.

I need not worry that it is a burden on them.

I need not modify my actions or behaviours.

A friendship with me comes within a package.

It cannot be extracted for simplification.

Nor should separating the "mother" from the "friend" be asked of me!

Who Am I?

Some people see me as a pillar of strength,
others see me as being in some perpetual state of happiness.
Most people realise that neither can be completely true.

Some people see me simply as a single mother,
some see me as an always open sounding board,
some see me as a hollow shell for them to mindlessly fill.
Most people realise I am a bitch.

A bitch to me is not a negative!

I am always a single mother,
I am most times willing to be a sounding board,
I am some times willing to be a hollow shell mindlessly filled,
And I am most definitely a bitch.

I speak my mind in an honest and sometimes too blunt a fashion,
I don't make time for bullshit, nor do I wish for friends to put up with bullshit.
Yet kindness towards those I care for comes easily and naturally.

I am not immune to sorrow or pain.
Friends can hurt me.
I do feel!

People recently have caused me pain,
whether intentionally or not,
to say it is not "personal" makes little difference!

In this same time a new friend has emerged,
I am not seen simply as a single mother,
I am not seen as an always open sounding board,
I am not seen as a hollow shell,
I am given the freedom to be me.

But now I struggle to realise that I have become lost in other peoples expectations of who I am and who I am to be!

Being

My entire reason for being

The reason I've kept myself going

The incentive to get out of bed each day

The one that made me realise the true meaning of love and life

The one that has taught me more than any other could even imagine

Yet I still FUCK UP!

Helpless

It is hard to see somebody you love go through pain.

It is harder still when you have no comparable situation in your own history.

I claim no knowledge of another person's pain, only my own.

However, I am not completely without empathy.

But what good is empathy?

I am sympathetic, but what good is that?

I am heartbroken that someone I love is feeling so much pain and there is not a thing I can do to alleviate that feeling or make it any better!

Words

Words can be the most powerful weapon,
Used in battle to tear open heart and mind alike.
Words can give the most soothing relief,
Used for comfort to mend heart and mind alike.
Words can take away any doubt,
Used to confirm and assert heart and mind alike.
Words can be left open to interpretation,
Used by the heart and mind alike.

Speak from the heart,
Hear with the mind.
Speak from the mind,
Hear with the heart.

Choose the time to speak at all,
Take the time to hear always.

Times

There are good days and bad

There are good weeks and bad

There are good months and bad

I'm still not sure which one I am in.

So many times you think you get past something

So many times you find you are wrong.

Times when you think nothing at all

Times when you think all too much.

When you see something that triggers memories better left forgotten

You frown, you cry and wonder when the next turmoil begins.

When you see something that triggers a happy memory

You smile and know that happiness is never far from reach.

Would selective memory be an advantage?

Wonder

I wonder if people feel embarrassment in the same way others feel humiliation.

I wonder if people feel justified in the same way others feel betrayed.

I wonder if people feel pride in the same way others feel shame.

I wonder if people feel guilt in the same way others feel victimisation.

I wonder if some people feel at all.

Just how subjective is one persons conscience?

And from that can we say that the social conscience may be just as subjective?

Emotional Rollercoaster

For a very long time i did believe it was my fault.
For a very long time i believed that since it was my fault that i should be able to just move on and forget that anything bad ever happened.
And for a very long time that is exactly what i tried to do.

When everyone around you tells you something so convincingly and you tell yourself the same thing, why wouldn't you be able to forget?

I could most of the time.
Then something would happen or someone would say something and my heart would skip a beat, my body would freeze and the fear would engulf me.
But it never lasted long and i would tell myself how stupid it was.

As time has kept going though i have found myself remembering more of what i erased from my mind.
The more i remember the more emotion i feel.
So much anger is within me, not only for the obvious but for the people who called themselves friends, but most of all anger at myself.

Anger that for so long i lived in denial.
Anger that one solitary person could have such an impact on MY life.
Anger that i never made that person pay.

Choice

With everything we do we are faced with choices.
Each decision, good or bad takes us to our next choice.
Every now and then we make a choice that becomes a defining moment in our lives.
So which choice was it that I made that took me to that moment, that night?
Like any average 18-year-old I chose to go out clubbing, drinking and dancing that night.

I chose to stay when some chose to leave.
I chose to talk to a stranger.
I chose to believe that most people have good intentions.
I chose to keep drinking.
I chose to keep my friends informed.
I chose to walk outside and say goodnight.

What do you do when you no longer have control of all of the decisions?

I did not choose to go anywhere with him.
I did not choose to get in the car.
Strangers watching chose not to notice the yelling.

I did not choose for the car alarm to be on.
I did not choose to be dragged back into the car.
Strangers watching chose not to notice the screaming.

I chose to keep struggling.
I did not choose to take my clothes off.
He chose to strip me of my clothes along with my dignity.

I chose to keep saying NO.
HE chose not to listen.

Could I have stopped it?

If: -
I chose not to talk to a stranger.
I chose not to believe most people are good.
I chose not to walk outside.
I chose not to be me.

I could have avoided it...

Does that make it my fault???