Surviving the Days ... and the Weeks and the Torment.


Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you... I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to... The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete! I do not write for any form of external validation.. What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write... But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words! An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing... It had been locked away after it was used against me... Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

About Time

I'm meant to be impressed you've made time for him

I'm meant to appreciate that working weekends was on hold

I'm supposed to be thankful you've made a couple of allowances

When I first met you I soon realised you were your only priority

Which was understandable back when you had no responsibilities

But when a major responsibility comes along priorities need to change

No longer is thinking of you and you alone acceptable, nor should it be

So after all this time you're finally taking a small step to put him first

Put him first, at least when it's convenient and fits into your schedule

For that you should not need praise, it is far too long overdue!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Missing You

You have always been someone I can count on, I think you still are

We've seen each other through the last few years at our worst and best

You learnt that you could share anything with me and you shared so much

Now, a lot of your life is and has changed and so little is shared with me

I feel like I'm slowly losing you (I'm now only half sure you'd say otherwise)

I know that things change, relationships and friendships change

Yet instead of change I feel you withdrawing and building a wall

You began to share everything with me, it's suddenly been stolen from me

I offer you my love and friendship always, please don't throw it aside!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

My kind of normal

Little boy goes back to school tomorrow

We both enjoyed the last couple of weeks

I'll enjoy getting back to a "normal" routine

Although it will be a struggle to study again

My own writing should increase, I like that thought

Passion for writing has certainly returned to me!

I may share some fiction one of these days.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Just Pondering

I've spoken before about choices I've made within my life

I believe that our choices have impact on the paths we take

Whether they be "good" or "bad" mostly is of little consequence

Mostly everythig just "is", things happen for a reason

Although reason is sometimes only found in hindsight!

What do our choices say about our character

What can we learn of anothers character through their choices?

We all are very capable of mistakes and should not be judged on those alone

When does a choice go from being a mistake to being a part of who someone is?

Whether mistake or not we are and should be accountable for our choices

Even the least judgemental person makes some judgements about people they meet

Do we choose to judge on behaviour shown to our own eyes

Do we reserve some element of judgement to past behaviour

Are we each really evolving, are all or only some people capable of change?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Girls

A quite busy few days has come to an end

Little boy and I are left in each others company again!

Each time I see the girls I'm amazed by how quickly life happens

Time passes whether we notice or not, with no regard to anything

The girls are becoming young women, making choices of their own

If only I could show them which ways to go and those to avoid

But it seems it would serve no purpose, they will make their own mistakes

So much joy and pain, happiness and sadness lay ahead for them

There is so much they don't realise that they don't know!

Friday, April 15, 2005

One night break

"I am in the general vicinity of somewhere I know"

These words from my mother, although may be true, hold little comfort

Driving anywhere with her if nothing else provides amusement

She's a woman who always knows exactly where she is,

But is not often, at that moment, where she thinks she is!

My stomach pains from too much laughter, but I made it home!

An unplanned night out to a concert neither of us intended to go to

Provided us both plenty of laughs, only in part thanks to Devine Miss M

Tomorrow assures me of more entertainment, my little sisters arrive.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Holidays

Uninterupted thoughts, a luxury not mine just now

Instead I hear the regular "Mum, I want..."

So while my writing, of all kinds, may decline

My heart is warmed to spend this time with Little Boy!

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Snap Shot of My Life: Lady In White

I walked out of the room quietly, leaving the night light on behind me and pulled the door almost closed. It was good to have Drew in bed and be able to relax for a few hours before I would head to bed myself. I went to the kitchen and poured myself a drink and took it out onto the verandah to sit and have a quiet cigarette.

“Ted, where are you?” mum called from the lounge room a few minutes later. We shared the house together for us both to be able to save a bit of money. For the most part it worked quite well. She would go off to work each morning and I was working from home so that I could be with my two-year-old son, Drew. When we were home together we got along most of the time.

“I’m outside.” I stubbed out my cigarette and walked back inside to the lounge room to see what it was she wanted.

“Oh, it was nothing really” I could tell by the look on her face, mostly confusion, that it wasn’t quite nothing. She was curled up on the end of the lounge, with the TV on in the corner, looking through the door to the lounge room and up the hallway.

“I … uhh just saw someone walking into the kitchen from the hall,” she said, still with that far off kind of look on her face. I wondered why she didn’t look alarmed now that she knew it couldn’t have been me. I listened for some sort of noise that would signal a stranger in the house but heard nothing except the music and voice over of the ad currently on the TV.

“What do you mean you saw someone?” I thought I knew where this was heading now.

“It was a woman, I think, she was wearing a white dress or something.”

Now I definitely knew. My mum believed in some things that a lot of people dismiss as being ridiculous. My older sister could certainly testify to that. According to my mum, my sister was the reincarnation of my mother’s grandmother. A cat my sister had as a child was apparently that same grandmother’s husband. At least that’s how I think the story went, I was too young to remember.

Within a few minutes my mum had gone back to watching the TV and I had finished teasing her for seeing things. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in ghosts, actually I wasn’t sure if I did or not. I just hadn’t seen this “woman in white” and to me in most cases, seeing is believing.

Several days later Drew was again tucked up soundly sleeping in his bed. My mum and I were sitting at either end of the lounge watching something on the TV when my phone rang. I raced down the hall to answer it before it woke up Drew. It was a girlfriend who lived in Adelaide, this was going to take a while. I picked up my cigarettes and carried them out onto the verandah to sit while I had my chat. A few smokes and a lot of talking later, I was in need of a drink. As I listened to my girlfriend tell me about her latest job I went inside towards the kitchen. I got to the lounge room door and there was mum, curled up on the end of the lounge with that confused look on her face again.

“I just saw the lady in white walking at the end of the hall again!” She said as I passed and continued on to the kitchen. I simply shook my head and proceeded to relay this and the previous story to my girlfriend on the phone. We laughed and made jokes, but both admitted it was kind of creepy. I eventually hung up the phone and said good night to mum, deciding it was time to get to bed.

More time passed, mum rising each morning and going off to work leaving Drew and I home. Life, generally, was going along just as it should. Mum would come home from work and enjoy spending some time with her grandson. Usually we’d all be in the lounge room with Drew playing on the floor and chattering away to us or to himself. He’d recently made a new friend, Toby, he was the only one who could see Toby though. Mum and I would listen as Drew would have conversations with Toby, he would speak for Toby as he played with his cars and they would both give commentary on the races. My son had his first imaginary friend and we found it rather entertaining.

On one particular afternoon mum and I were sat on our lounge talking as Drew wandered around the room from one toy to another. I looked over at Drew and listened as he chattered away, this time it was only one side of a conversation. I nudged mum and pointed, so he wouldn’t stop on our account. He was looking up as he spoke and seemed to stop and listen at regular intervals. We watched quietly for a few minutes.

“Who are you talking to, sweety?” I ended up asking him, expecting the answer to still be Toby.

“The lady,” he replied, in a tone that said this was something I shouldn’t have needed to ask. Mum and I exchanged a quick look.

“What lady?” at this point the hair on the back of my neck was standing up.

“The lady in white … there.” He said, in a matter of fact manner, as he pointed to the spot he had been looking up at.

© 2005

Getting some practice

I realised how long it had been since I'd done any writing

Writing stories has always been a kind of escape for me

I sat down yesterday and began a story, I'm very out of practice

I didn't realise just how much I missed the process of writing

For a few hours I was able to think of nothing but the page in front of me

I managed to get out several first drafts, none of which are very good

But it made me feel great to be writing again, giving my mind freedom

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Behind the Mask

I cried myself to sleep last night, something I haven't done for a while

My best friend called yesterday, catching me up on all that's happening

He sounds happy, so I am of course extremely happy for him

I also wrote a letter to another friend yesterday and put it in the post

Little Boy was tucked up in bed and I had a chance to sit down, and think

It occurred to me that I've been gradually sliding back down

At that moment I realised how alone I felt and had been feeling

Not exactly lonely, I don't want a new lover or relationship

I just feel so alone! Not only feel it, I know that I am alone

I also know that it's a result of my own actions and insecurities

I, for the most part, refuse to allow people to get close

Of course I have my family, but they don't have what I'm missing

My best friend still remains there for me, but he doesn't have it either

Something is missing within my own heart and I really need it back

I need it so that I may climb out of this hole and back into my life!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Sigh!

Well it seems sex is not the only thing I'm lacking at the moment

My motivation, which was for a while sky high, has plummeted back to earth

I'm going through a childish phase of "I want what I want and I want it now!"

I know exactly what it is I want to be doing and what I need to do it

If only my name was Samantha and I could wiggle my nose

Or perhaps Jeannie and I could fold my arms and nod my head

As a mere mortal I must be content with waiting, patience is just not my style!