Surviving the Days ... and the Weeks and the Torment.


Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you... I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to... The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete! I do not write for any form of external validation.. What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write... But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words! An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing... It had been locked away after it was used against me... Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Simplicity

Perhaps love is never simple

Perhaps love is not enough

How long can I keep doing this

So much has changed

Yet so much has stayed the same

Am I to compromise on my own needs

Am I to blind myself to the truth

Destruction may only be one step away

While chance of success seems to be slipping

Yet I could choose to walk away now

That is something I still control!

If only it were that simple!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Words Failing

So many things that I could say
Yet words are failing me of late!
Stress, confusion and anger are rife
But to put into words is far from simple!
Not all is so negative

I drifted in memories after a question
Drifted back to a time I was young
I was enjoying working, I was just 18
I would work all week to party all weekend
I was not stupid or too naive, I was having fun

I met a "great guy" and we continued the fun
Obstacles were quickly overcome, it was all good
I was late, we both came back to earth with a thud
Though we'd only been together a short time
I was pregnant and we were having a baby

"How did you feel as a pregnant teen?"
This is the question that sent me back to the memories
I always hated the term "pregnant teen" applied to me
I had been working, paying bills for over a year
After all I was an adult!

For me there was never a question of what I should do
I was scared shitless, but I was on my way to motherhood
I would have done it alone if need be, I have now anyway
My family was supportive, his tried to be in their own way
I loved every minute of being pregnant, of life growing within!

I don't believe anyone can be "prepared" for their first child
Age is of little consequence in that regard
You're never prepared for the ultimate in pain, during labour
You're never prepared for the complete turning upside down of life
You're certainly never prepared for the love you are capable of

So I guess as a "pregnant teen" I felt like most first time mothers
Scared that I would not be a good mother
Excited and scared that I was responsible for a new little person
Most of all I felt this indescribable love from the second I knew
I wouldn't have believed it could become stronger, but it has!

Perhaps I'm looking back through rose tinted glasses

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Here we go again

I can feel it creeping up on me

Walking the aisle of the supermarket,

I can see it creeping

Reading the School newsletters,

I can see it creeping

Invitations to parties and celebrations,

I can feel it creeping

Friday, November 05, 2004

Anticipation

Lips meeting in a passionate kiss

The gentle exploration of tongues

Arms encircling each other

The sweet touch of skin on skin

Exposure of our wants, our needs

Bodies coming together with intensity

Enjoying each other completely

Letting go of all else to savour the pleasure

Safe in the knowledge of our love