Surviving the Days ... and the Weeks and the Torment.


Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you... I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to... The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete! I do not write for any form of external validation.. What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write... But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words! An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing... It had been locked away after it was used against me... Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

In 30? no 20min..

ok it's after 2am ... i've had a few drinks and i've had enough of this not blogging bullshit!!!

So i'll make my excuses now for typos and language ... if it's bad .. too bad!!! (oh and my apologies)

I'm now going to start the clock and see how i go.....

2.09am

So why am I drinking, for starters... No real reason hehe ... Tom left not too long ago and we'd decided to have a few drinks together just 'cos we hadn't for a while. I had an inspection on my place today. The owners came this morning (after not seeing the place for almost 3yrs) and while it doesn't really stress me leading up to today it did thisd morning.. But all went well and it was over in about 15min .. what a waste of stress!

It's holidays for Little Boy... has been for almost 2weeks, he goes back to school on Tuesday. I can't say that it has been much of a struggle, he's been with my Mum most of this week. We had a wedding last w/e and he's been there since. He came home on Friday, a little sick but not too bad, was home for about 6hrs and was then off to his fathers... I'm not even going to go there...

I haven't had Little Miss at all this last week ... so basically i've had nothing on my plate .. and almost nothing on my mind. This whole no writing bullshit and no blogging crap has still been bugging me to a degree but i've just decided to let it run it's course. I don't care if I write dribble or ... actually i only ever write dribble ... or nothing i'm just going with it.

The world cup came and went with only a little mention from me, probably because the only other mention it would have had would have been unrecognisable through the foul language had i typed it when i thought it. The wedding was good.. or at least an excuse to get drunk for the first time in quite a while.. but still a non-event and so went unwritten. The week procrastinating came and went. I've had a little more contact with Brother's new live-in g/f but even that is not worth putting into words.

The only thing i've been feeling is missing my boy, and that gets boring in blogland and besides i'm not sure i could put it all into words that would make sense to anyone.

Bloody Tom went out and bought "Guitar hero" and managed to get me hooked on that. He's also the reason I've been drinking tonight but then he went home and piked nice and early.

Phil blogged the other day, yes i've been reading if not commenting, about a dream he had. His one (as far as interpretation goes) was pretty straight forward even if it sounded a littel weird in his description. Well, anyway, last night i had a dream which was a little weird, especially since it was the second time i'd had it... i haven't looked anything up yet to try to get some sort of "meaning" from it. I was basically standing somewhere, who knows where, with my arms raised out at shoulder height and with a bear on each side with my hands in their mouths. They were biting my hands but hadn't broken the skin, basically just crushing the bones. I wasn't freaked out by them exactly but i didn't like it (makes sense now) and then someone, I don't know who although i did "know" them, came up with a gun and blew the bears' heads off. Was kinda weird the first time i dreamt it... the second time just a little more freaky!

Well it's 2.29 now, only 20min but I want a smoke so i'm cutting this now... you're going to have to deal with the bullshit i type until my mojo comes back :-)

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Same Same

In general I don't like coming across blogs where the writer feels the need to explain a lack of posts, yet here I find myself. I don't so much feel the need to explain myself to you, any of you who may read this, but I feel the need to work out a "why" for myself.

This topic came up during a chat tonight. A theory was put to me about why I've been in such a funk as far as my writing goes.

"I think it has to do with the overprotective life you're living"

"yup. you've shut yourself away from emotional investment."

"so now, while safe and sound in your cacoon, life has become dull and routine."


Now while I don't completely disagree with any of that (although I'm not sure I like the word "overprotective") I don't think it explains my problem. No matter where I've been at in life, I've always had the will to write. In the last few years that writing has been in blog form, for the most part, but not all. These last few weeks/months (I don't even know how long) I have had no desire to write at all, in any form. My life at the moment is rather settled, and yes I'm single. I guess that means I'm not emotionally invested in too many people, and certainly not anyone new. This has been the case for the last 18mths or so, and it is only in recent months that I've found myself in a funk.

"yes, you have. but sooner or later, you were going to run dry of emotions to talk about, daily events to share, the trials and tribulations of life."

"you've settled into a routine and maybe that's what you really need, I can't possibly say for sure, but it's a fairly quiet and peaceful time for you right now which really slays the desire to spill your guts."


Again I don't disagree completely but, there's always a but, it doesn't explain it to me. Part of what has been driving me mad lately is that my lack of desire to write has extended to commenting on your blogs. I still read and enjoy so many people's writing but when I get to the end of it where I'd normally say something, nothing is there (or very little). As much as I want to let people know that what they write has again touched me, made me think or laugh, words don't cooperate.

I've never been one to write about the daily goings on of my life. I write what I feel, what I think or I just babble about what ever takes my fancy at the time. While my life is settled I definitely still have things that I would ordinarily write. I don't need to have a significant someone in my life to bring my emotions to the surface. I continue to question myself and my life, I still have plenty to say, to share. I just don't know how or when I'll be able to.

Hopefully this entry signifies some sort of return to "normal" blogging for me.