Surviving the Days ... and the Weeks and the Torment.


Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you... I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to... The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete! I do not write for any form of external validation.. What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write... But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words! An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing... It had been locked away after it was used against me... Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Typical

Even under protest, if you do something once

It is then expected of you at every opportunity

I've another poem to write for a specific purpose!

Aaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhhh! In other news..

The dreaded conversation took place

I took the easy way and didn't go into detail

It wouldn't have mattered even if I had

I'm still finding myself amazed on a daily basis

I never knew such selfishness could be so close

So many years I thought I knew, apparently not

Under pressure, fear and pain, true colours will shine

Such an ugly picture has been painted without excuse

My focus remains, doing what I must in order to face myself

Brrm Brrm

Hmm...


I'm a Chevrolet Corvette!



You're a classic - powerful, athletic, and competitive. You're all about winning the race and getting the job done. While you have a practical everyday side, you get wild when anyone pushes your pedal. You hate to lose, but you hardly ever do.


Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Mundane

I've hardly been able to write all week, not at all here

There's been plenty swirling around inside my head

Just no way for me to put it down in words properly

Combined with very little desire to share myself here

And being sick for half the week didn't really help

Now the weekend is just about upon me

Sorting more for Mum's ever approaching departure

I'm also dreading a necessary (overdue) conversation

While Little Boy is away I will have Little Miss

No real time to sit back, relax and concentrate on me

This is the life I've chosen for now, re-evaluation taking place

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Too Drunk to Forum

So I'm not really nerdy enough for the title but I said I'd use it so I am. It is rare for me to blog at this hour, and even rarer for me to blog drunk and yet I am doing both tonight! Tom and I have been "celebrating" St Pat's day, yes any excuse for a few drinks will do me at the moment.

Quote of the night from Tom ...

"It's a fair trade off, the stars for indoor plumbing"

An explaination would be too lengthy and I wouldn't do it any justice I'm sure, but I had to take note.

We worked out why our friendship worked so well, many reasons, not least of which.. we quite happily tell each other to fuck off when the need arises. Many things discussed, almost as many disagreed upon.

Thankyou for the release Tom, I needed it!

Goodnight folks!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Then

Tomorrow, things will get better

I won't feel like this tomorrow

The sun will shine, my mind will clear

Everything will be okay tomorrow

Except I know that's not true

Yesterday's tomorrow is today

It isn't any better and I'm not okay

The sun shines without warmth today

There's no escape from my mind, myself

Without action, nothing changes tomorrow

The praises of strength I'm not worthy of

Maybe I can change that... tomorrow

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Come One, Come All

I'm easily amused and don't get many visitors, so please forgive this post.

Looking at how people get to my blog I found something interesting (could use several other words there). By the way Keith, thanks for the "Referers" page. So I noticed last week that someone had done a search on MSN for "torment sex" and found my blog on the very first page of results. I wasn't sure whether or not I should be proud of; 1) being part of the results in the first place or 2) that the person who actually did the search clicked on my link.

Today I found another MSN search, this time for "torment hard sex" and guess what.. I improved on my performance and was the first result! Again, I'm not sure whether I should be proud or ashamed. I was amused, although not too sure what they were looking for and if they in fact found it here.

There was also a Google search for "well endowed men, sex with a virgin" which I must have shown up on somewhere, it wasn't the first 5 pages! I think this one worries me the most for several reasons. What does my blog have to offer a well endowed man seeking a virgin, I'm not a virgin. On the other hand what does my blog have to offer a virgin seeking a well endowed man, I'm not a man well endowed or not. I feel I have let my visitors down in this case, now I'm worried I'll come down with a bad case of performance anxiety. It also worries me that the person who performed this search passed by the likes of this useful (maybe?) guide Sex Tips For Geeks: On Being Good In Bed, in favour of my little blog buried back who knows how far into the 446,000 links.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Mind Purge

I'm starting the clock for a purge..

I've spent the morning out shopping yet again, running around looking for a birthday pressie for my sister. She's not really hard to buy a gift for but I hate giving the same old things so I make it a little harder. I guess that's not unusual, I tend to make things harder than they need to be.

I spoke to every member of my immediate family yesterday. A very unusual occurrence. I finished the night off with a call from a friend and as I filled him in on a few of the goings on in my family, he remarked that it's kinda fucked up. He was right! My youngest sister spent the entire time on the phone to me telling me about her w/e spent at a friends, where she got drunk and was wandering around the streets until 3am. My next sister, who has just started Uni, told me she's only skipped a couple of classes in the few weeks since she started and that she's still with the boyfriend (a MUCH older man who was a family friend). Then there's the continuing drama with my brother which carries over to my mother as well. Then there's me, right in the middle, just as fucked up as the next person and yet somehow the stable one. My older sister has taken over my previous role of being the bitch of the family, she's doing well and speaking her mind at all the right times, which is great since I've had to bite my tongue. My friend has only one sibling, so he thinks of my family as on the big side even though it is a result of several marriages. He figured since there was so many of us in the family in was only logical that we're more fucked up. I figure it serves the purpose of amusing him since my own life lacks in drama and entertainment.

Watching the F1 the other night had an unnexpected side effect on me. I found myself thinking of a former friend. He was one of the few people who really appreciated the sport and followed it as much as I do (did?), we would argue and whinge about the drivers and everything else. It was just another aspect of our friendship that fit so well. I believe that he is one person that I loved purely and completely, unconditionally. It still hurts to know that he gave up on the friendship so easily in the end.

I've had a couple of conversations about relationships this past week, as well as a conversation which resulted from the quiz I did on here. I've realised my views are a lot harder to express verbally than I would have thought. I just can't quite get it right, a lot of what I think is based on simply being open and not cutting myself off from possibilities. I do know that I'm not looking for any sort of relationship right now, which is not to say I'm not open for one if it were to come along. I also don't think I would have a "normal" relationship if I were to have one. The longer I spend out of one the more I realise I'm much happier and probably won't want to settle down into any sort of socially expected partnership. I'm happy to be on my own and to stay that way. Which is a relatively new feeling for me.

Well my 30min is up and this has been a rather boring purge, but hopefully I'll be able to blog properly over the next few days.

Keep Smiling! :-)

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Polyamory and Lightning

I've tried to write a decent blog entry all week. I've given up again. I have less than an hour 'til I can watch the first F1 race of the season so I'm filling the time with a couple of quizzes.

Not quite what I expected..




Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory



You want to have your cake... and everyone else's.

Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too!

You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship.

You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.






This one is a little off the mark .. ok a lot off the mark...




You Are Lightning



Beautiful yet dangerous

People will stop and watch you when you appear

Even though you're capable of random violence



You are best known for: your power



Your dominant state: performing




and last one..




You Are 64% Open Minded



You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.

Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.

But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.

You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

Sickening

THIS should simply never happen.

That a relative called police at 11pm (more than 4hrs too late) last night looking for the children makes me sick. Some people should not be allowed to raise children!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Too Much

This is ridiculous

I'm exhausted, emotionally and mentally

I've never known what I'm doing, but got by

I think I'm fucking up on a daily basis

I'm at a complete loss

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

What an Impression

I was chatting to a new'ish friend earlier on MSN and got to thinking. We were discussing what we would do in different scenarios. He still doesn't believe that I'm brutally honest pretty much all of the time. Apparently I also come across as a cold and heartless bitch (yeah I know Tom and Justin, you're not exactly surprised).

I'm a people watcher. I'm fascinated by people, their actions and the way they think. The impressions people have of me are just as interesting. I don't take offense at being thought of as a bitch, I can be. I can be cold at times too. It honestly doesn't bother me what most people think (but it is interesting). I don't know most people and nor do they me.

I have very strong views and opinions and I'm generally not afraid to voice them. Most of my views on personal relationships have been shaped by the countless mistakes I've made or been part of over the years. I have expectations of honesty and trust above all else from the people I choose to get close to, friend, lover or partner. There are some things that I will not compromise on. I know what I want and I know what I feel I deserve. Having said all that, I don't expect any more, from anyone, than I am willing to give.

I'm strong willed and stubborn, but I'm not entirely cold and hard. There is a lot more to me and people who take the time can work that out. I do enjoy hearing someone elses take, it's always interesting. Maybe this new friend will see a little more if they take the time.

;-)

Monday, March 06, 2006

So Pointless..

[B]Warning:[/B] This entry may contain a little too much information. Too bad.

I was going to blog yesterday about the evils of a certain combination, it wasn't the bacardi + coke combination of the night before although that had something to do with it. No, the combination I was going to complain about was that of a hangover and Day 1. At this point some of you may be wondering "Day 1 of what?", well chances are if you're wondering that you're male, no I'm not sexist it's just part of being female. You got it, I'm talking Day 1 of our lovely monthly cycle. As if a hangover wasn't bad enough, especially when it is so rare that I suffer from them, but I had the good fortune of getting the pains and general feeling of yuckiness that goes with Day 1 as well.

I've never really spoken of this before (well not here anyway) but I actually resent the fact that I even get my period. Obviously I get that the whole idea of menstruation is all part of the reproduction thing. But there should be something in your body that registers the fact that you haven't had sex in a very long time and therefore cleaning out the baby factory is a little pointless every month!

My bad luck continued today, Day 2. I'm feeling gross and bloated and generally yucky again (my verbal skills go downhill this time of month too apparently). I have to take Little Boy to his swimming class this afternoon after school. I couldn't give a rats arse how bad I look. I can't be bothered getting out of my rather comfy trackies, so I don't. Hell it's five minutes on the bus each way and half hour sitting at the Rec. centre, what do I care. So I'm feeling shitty and looking just as bad, we're also running late. We just make it to the bus, I get on pay and sit down, five minutes later I'm ready to get off and I still don't give a shit. Until....

[B]Bus driver:[/B] Can I ask you a question?

[B]Me:[/B] Uhh sure..

[B]Bus driver:[/B] is your son's father named M?

[B]Me:[/B] Uhh yeah [I](now actually paying attention to the man I'm looking at with only a vague sense of having seen him before)[/I]

[B]Bus driver: [/B]Hello Ted [I](smiling)[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] Oh shit.. [I](it takes me a few seconds but I've put the face to one of two names, I take a guess)[/I] hello B

[B]Bus driver:[/B] oh you do remember me...

Ok first thing, NO I never slept with him! But we were part of the same circle of friends about 9yrs ago. I really don't give a shit what he thinks of me, BUT that doesn't mean I want to be looking my absolute worst when I run into him!!

I really would much prefer having a penis than having to bleed every month!

[I]Now, I apologise for this entire post, sort of :-P[/I]

Enough

I got completely and totally blind drunk

Simply in order to give my mind a night off

The all consuming was forgotten for a few hours

Quite pathetic that that was the only way it would happen

I feel like my life is not my own, this should not consume me

I find myself thinking and realise tears are streaming down my face

These fears are not mine to own, worries and problems not mine to solve

So get your fucking act together, be a fucking man and do what is necessary!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Question for you all

... and yes I mean [B]ALL[/B] of you :-P

We cannot be held responsible for another persons actions. I'm pretty sure most of us would agree on that one. We can't stop people taking unnecessary risks, or making their own mistakes. We are responsible for our own actions, the consequences of those actions and make our own mistakes. Now throw a child into the mix there, this is where my question comes from.

[I]Let me just say that I'm not talking about myself or Little Boy in this entry, but it is someone fairly close to me.[/I]

At what point do you step in when a parents choice is [I](or is very likely to)[/I] negatively effecting their child? Is it different if the child is yours and the person putting the child at risk is their mother? How many mistakes can you let a parent get away with, or make excuses for, before you take the child out of the situation? What is considered a big enough risk to the child to take serious measures?

I have very strong views [I](surprise surprise) [/I]on this but I'd like to hear some thoughts from others before I give you mine.

:-)

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Normality (Ha) Resumed

So for five or more days I had "technical difficulties"

I use that term rather loosely and vaguely for a reason

I have no idea what the problem was or how it was fixed

There was no "computer guy", no brainwaves on my part

It just decided to work again and I'm not going to complain

So I shall cross my fingers and take advantage and hope it lasts

I could whinge and bitch and moan about several things in life

But I will refrain, not for any noble reasons, just can't be bothered

I'm sure there will be new things to bitch about before the week ends