Known and Unknown

I'm not a person who has vivid and detailed memories of my childhood

Of course I remember things, days and events and general feelings

But I couldn't tell you in detail about my first day of school, like some can!

I could tell you I was anxious each morning in the first few months of school

I would drive my older sister mad, crying and begging her not to leave me

Then I would love every minute of the rest of the day, until the next morning!

I have memories in images, my lawn with "Happy Birthday" mowed in it by Dad

Riding backwards behind my sister on her motorbike going over small jumps

My dog caring for a litter of kittens after their mother had disappeared

These images are all scattered, in no particular order, fragments of memories!

Then I have other memories that if I close my eyes I can almost relive them

Sitting quietly, overhearing Dad's new girlfriend telling others of their engagement

Tears welling up, not only because I didn't like her but because I wasn't told first!

Being at my first boyfriends house, that first real kiss and someone who listened

My mum pulling up out the front screaming at me, I was never to see him again!

I could go through many of these, with varying degrees of sadness, anger and pain

But my general feelings about my childhood are that it was relatively happy

But the most pronounced of my memories are the ones when I felt downcast!

I wonder what it is Litte boy will remember of his youngest years?

Am I doing enough as his mother to give him the happiest of memories?

How many negatives do we need to become well balanced in adulthood?

I don't want Little boy to have to feel more pain, to have more hardship

Yet I know I cannot protect him from all the world, nor should I

When will I know that I am doing it all wrong, or right, or will I never know?