Frustration

It is only in the last few years I've learnt to appreciate being single

I guess it helped that my choice in men has definitely not been the best

I don't let a lot of people into my life, but when I do it is completely

Which can be all dreamy and perfect, for a while....

I don't believe all men are bastards, at least not all of the time

I also don't believe I need a man to "complete" me

My recent state of singledom has basically been in effect for two months

My problem with being single is sex and my complete lack of it!

(This entry is a great example of my bluntness I think)

I'm not one for one night stands or starting casual relationships

I enjoy the passion and closeness of physically being with someone

I'm slowly going insane at the moment!

Unknown

A field of purple flowers sway in the morning breeze

Underneath the ever watchful eye of the warming sun

The field surrounded completely by an impenetrable jungle

With shadows of trees reaching forever upward and outward

Eery unspoken dreams whispering through the leaves

Towards the jungles edge and nearing the white sands

Soft and untouched, the sand slopes gently to the shore

An ocean of unrelenting waves roll and beat onto this tiny island

Ships have never set sail upon the undulating ocean

No footprints have ever left their mark in the white sand

Trees have not been climbed, dreams have not been heard

The purple flowers' scent is unknown, these flowers of my mind.

Much needed venting

It's a real bitch, choices made as a naive kid come back to bite you in the arse!

Or watching someone else's choices do that, as is my case right now.

I'm having rather a tough time dealing with some family news.

I've been trying to write something, anything, for five days now!

I just can't manage to get my head around anything, including words!

A choice made as an uninformed, naive, "invincible" early teen should be null and void!

Not come back to haunt you emotionally and physically twenty years later!

Throw in with it conditions completely out of a persons control,

You soon have one hell of a fucked up situation!

It is only the beginning of what may be a very short, relatively painless but trying time,

Or it may be a long drawn out battle which brings with it endless challenges!

She shouldn't have to be thinking all that she is, she shouldn't have to face this now, or ever!

There has been enough obstacles to shape her character and mould her very being!

Destiny by Choice

I know that everything in my life has happened for a reason

I don't believe in that one God with a divine plan for all

I wouldn't be where I am, who I am, if I'd made different choices

The good and the bad have all led me to here, today

So many times I've been in "negative" situations

Each time I've come through the other side

I would not have my beautiful Little Boy if anything had been different

If my mother hadn't raised me as she did

If I had not left my mother to live with my father

If I had not returned to my mother later

If I had not failed to finish high school

If I had not started working full-time when I did

If I had not been raped as a young woman

If none or even one of these had not occurred, Little Boy wouldn't be mine!

I am thankful for the life that I have and have had

I may not have all the material possessions, or be exactly where I want to be

There is purpose in everything, big and small, good and bad

Each and every choice I make takes me closer to where I am meant to be

This knowledge doesn't make my fears or pains any less real

It does, however, allow me to see all that I have to be grateful for

Destiny, fate or your God's will simply boils down to your choices, your life!

I'm not my mother

I think I had a fairly average childhood

My parents divorced when I was rather young

My mother became a working single mother of three

As everyone does, she did what she thought was best

I recall clearly the first time I recognised fear in her eyes

I was a child of age ten, home after school

She came and asked how I had explained the bruises to people at school

"The truth" was my reply to her, but of course I had lied

In that moment I recognised fear, before she turned and walked away

She who demanded truth in the home, had expected, needed, me to lie

The truth was, she had given me the bruises the night before

The truth was, I had forgotten to wash my school clothes

The truth was, a leather belt she struck me with had left visible dark bruises

It was a similar truth that made me decide to take up smoking

Aged twelve, I was woken one morning by a hairbrush being hit hard on my back

My mother had found a packet of cigarettes in my bag

The truth was, they really weren't mine and I refused to smoke them

The screaming and hitting didn't subside with the truth however

So as I waited for the school bus that morning I asked my friend for a smoke.

I get what I want

An enjoyable day today with a friend got me to thinking!

Friends have always had the perception that I am strong willed

I don't think this has always been true, although it may be now!

I have always had strong convictions in my beliefs and values

But a fear has hindered me in chasing after what I truly wanted!

A part of losing my "self" was losing motivation to be all that I could

So many rejections and failures lead me to curtail trying at all!

A lot of my life has been on hold for years now, trapped nowhere

I became no more than I was, limiting the world around me!

Something clicked at some time, I'm not sure exactly what or when

Fear still remains, but there are no more limits to who I can become!

Imagine That

Why do so many people care what strangers think?

Image and the perceptions of others can consume you

What purpose does it serve if you allow it to rule you?

I've always said the opinions of strangers are meaningless

Although I haven't been completely convinced within myself!

I have now realised how others perceive me is of no concern

I've never felt the need to follow trends to be comfortable


I've proven this to myself again with one simple action!

Daydreams and Nightmares

The days are passing by so smoothly

Everything has fallen into its right place

My motivation and drive has returned

It would seem I am following my path

The nights are a quite different story

Sleep comes providing no calm or rest

I'm again being taken to another night

A night that would be better forgotten