Update in a Nutshell

Well the Christmas season is apparently over for another year. I travelled up the coast last week to give Mum and her sister a hand with the preparations. For two days we shopped, cooked and laughed the time away. The following two days were spent eating, drinking and a little more laughing. We had enough food to feed several small countries (or at least almost 30 of us) for both xmas lunch and dinner: turkey, ham, pork, chicken, roast veggies, several salads. Followed by pavlova, fruit mince pies, tiramisu, frozen christmas dessert and banoffi pie for dessert. If we weren't eating we were preparing the next meal.

Best friend, his g/f and their boy Jett (almost as beautiful as my Little Boy but with a little more fur) made it up for a few days and met most of my family for the first time. He's still talking to me so it can't have been too traumatic for them all. Jett provided endless hours of entertainment playing with my Aunty's girls (also rather furry) and best friend played the hero by putting out a fire.

Little Boy joined us for Christmas day and enjoyed being completely spoilt by Santa and the family. He had to head back to his Dad and their camping trip the next morning. I'll be spending New Year without him again, before he comes home later in the week.

I made it home yesterday and had my last xmas dinner for the year at my brother's place, where Little Miss had the good fortune of being on the receiving end of the spoils this time. Another enjoyable night with a little too much to drink but all in all I'm so glad it's all over.

Now as another year comes to an end I'm left wondering if I'm being all I can be and doing all I can do. We take many things for granted but this past week has reaffirmed for me that family and friends should never be among those things.

Perhaps the dawn of a new year will bring with it some insight. Catch you all in 2007. Keep Smiling!

Is it over yet?

I made it home

A rather enjoyable xmas break

Tired now, need sleep

Will update tomorrow

Some-bloody*-thing

So I've been a little on the quiet side. I've been lurking around and keeping up with all of you though!

I found a little Christmas cheer these last couple of weeks and have managed to get all of my shopping done, saving me the much feared and loathed trip of christmas eve shopping. Little Boy has just left with his Dad, leaving me alone for the night with plenty to do in order to be ready to leave tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be heading north with Mum and helping her get things ready for the ever growing family christmas gathering. This will be the first year in many that we'll be spending the festive season with my Aunty and cousins, never short of a drama, it should be an interesting few days. So far there's only one thing on my list of "I know nothing" dramas which may or may not be a point of contention.

As this is most likely the last christmas mum will be around, at least for now, I'm hoping it goes smoothly enough. I just re-read that line, my mother is not dying or at least no quicker than any of us who each day become one day closer to death, she's just setting off travelling in the new year and will be gone for as many years as it takes. She's living her dream which was put off for all these years for the sake of us kids, and then the grandkids. Okay I've gone off on a tangent there and completely forgotten the point I was going to make.

Anyway, I haven't left many comments around here lately, but I hope you know that I'm thinking of you all. Hopefully words will become my friend again sometime soon and I'll be able to stop babbling and actually put some coherent (I'm not that fussy they only have to be coherent to me) sentences and thoughts together again. In the meantime...

I just wanted to wish you all a very enjoyable Christmas.
I hope that you spend the time with those you love,
doing whatever it is that makes you happy.

[SIZE="3"][COLOR="SandyBrown"]A little something from me to you![/COLOR][/SIZE]


* That was just for you FH hehe

Overdue Purge

Okay I'm starting the clock and seeing what comes out in the next 30min.

I've been trying to blog for a few days but just haven't managed to get even a line on the screen so I figure this is the way to go. I've been a little on the down side I guess you could say. Well actually not really down as such, just kinda blah.

I haven't even begun to get organised for Christmas yet. I'm not feeling the festive mood yet and it all just seems like a lot of work. Little Boy wants to get the tree up this week and I keep wondering if it's even worthwhile since we won't even be here for christmas and he will only be home one weekend in the meantime, but we'll do it anyway. I am looking forward to getting away for the week around Christmas and hopefully bestie coming away too and getting to spend some time with him and his girlfriend.

The recent contact from a friend I thought had gone forever took me by surprise, to say the least. I've been through a roller coaster of emotions from just a few simple emails, from sheer joy in hearing from them to sadness for their situation and anger for all the unanswered questions I have. I'm not the most patient of people and so the waits in between contact annoy the hell out of me. It would be so much easier for me if I could just get a few things sorted right now, no more what if's or wondering. It annoys the hell out of me that the situation is consuming so much of my thoughts too, yet I can't help it.

I'm not generally a very forgiving person I don't think. It takes a lot to really get to me or to lose my trust and friendship but once it's gone it is usually gone for good. I don't see the point in wasting time on people who have hurt me before or who are entirely selfish. But there are always exceptions. There are some people who could (and have) caused a hell of a lot of pain and yet I'll still be here for them. I can't even really explain what makes them different to other people other than the connection I have with them. There is a problem with this though, in that it isn't exactly easy to regain that friendship after being burnt. I'm working on it and doing the only thing I can, being honest, but I'm worried it won't be enough and I'll only end up hurt again. Meh!

It's only been 17min but I don't want to keep going down the track that my mind apparently does. Apologies for this rather bland and boring entry folks but it's not in me to delete it.

A Rant in History

So this is the headline that caught my eye today, Premier, MPs fail test of history. The story stems from the findings of a recent report.

"A report commissioned by Australia's education ministers has found most high school and primary school students lack understanding and basic knowledge of Australia's history and constitutional structure."

Well it seems this isn't too hard to believe when even (some of?) those who ordered the report struggled to answer even a basic question on our history correctly. From my own experience I know that during my school years Australian History did not feature all that prominently. Even in my high school years, when I studied Modern History as an elective subject, Aus. History was one of two topics we could as a class choose to study and as the final decision came down to the teacher it was not what we were taught as he decided it was "too boring". Mind you the version of historical facts taught in those days was not completely accurate (we were still under the teachings that Cook was the first European to discover our land) and lacked severely when it came to history of our colonisation, or as some would say, the invasion of this country. From my understanding we have moved a couple of steps forward in that regard, not nearly enough though in my opinion.

Anyway on reading this story I decided to give Drew a mini pop quiz and see just how much he was picking up on our country's history and political workings, keeping in mind that the children used in the aforementioned report have a couple of years on him.

Do you know why we celebrate Australia Day and what happened on that day?

To tell how long we've lived here. That's when Arthur Phillip came to Australia with the First Fleet. They came here with all the convicts to make a nice settlement here.

Who is our Head of State?

Oh I know, The Queen, Elizabeth.

Who is our Prime Minister?

Now? John Howard. The first Prime Minister I'd have no idea.

Who is our, NSW, Premier?

Kim Beazley, oh no it's Morris Iemma

Why do we celebrate ANZAC Day and when is it?

I can't remember what day it is but I know why. I think it's 26th of April (me - nope it's the 25th, so why do we celebrate it?) we celebrate it like for remembering all the people who died at war. (Me - do you know what happened on that day a long time ago?) uhh no, tell me please. (I gave a brief description of the Anzac’s landing near Gallipoli) That sounds very sad Mum.

Who is our Governor General?

Uhh Governor? for what I don't understand. (me - that's okay I can't remember his name at the moment either)

For an eight year old I don't think he did too badly. The thing about all of that is that I know it has been me to teach him most of it, of course the school has taught a little but that's mostly reinforced what he already knew. I remember sitting down at Circular Quay with Drew when he was just 3-4yrs old. We sat there for a few hours with him asking me the names of all the ferries and boats coming in and out of the harbour, he was anxiously waiting for the ferry with his name on it (yes there is one with one of his names). On seeing a Captain Cook cruise boat he asked who Capt. Cook was and received his first history lesson. My mother was delighted when she called, while we were still sat there, and spoke to him on the mobile asking who "discovered" Australia, where the First Fleet sailed in and settled and in what year. Drew was in awe that boats had sailed into this harbour all those years ago and that there were no buildings.

Quite a while later, when Drew had started school, I picked him up from kindergarten one day and remember the following conversation:

Me: Did you have a good day?

Drew: Yes, I got a question right.

Me: Oh that's very good, what was the question about?

Drew: The teacher asked us who Captain Cook was and I was the only one who got it right.

He was so proud of himself, and the subsequent merit award he received for those particular efforts.

He has also risen in the very early hours of the morning of April 25, and travelled into the City with my mother for the dawn service. Obviously in doing this it raised a lot of questions in his mind as to just why he was doing it. They were questions he had answered.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in a very long winded way, is that a child does not receive their entire education within the school grounds and nor should they. Of course I believe they should be taught our history, an accurate one at that, while they are at school (along with a lot of other things which aren't always done to our liking) and they should be taught how our government works and how it was put into place. But we as parents should have all of this information too and be able to share it (not to mention in order to make informed voting decisions etc). Children are naturally inquisitive and if they are given real answers to the questions they ask it will inspire more questions. In my opinion, part of our job as parents is to keep that inquisitive nature alive and well fed. Many times I've been caught off guard and Drew has asked a question that I simply have no clue of the answer, so if it is at all possible I find it for him. Too many people it seems avoid real conversations with their kids, which to me, makes them just as responsible as the schools, if not more so, for their kids ignorance.

In Motion

I think I need to "purge" my thoughts

But I don't think now is the right time

I'm a little worried what would come out

Much has been on my mind these last few days

With only a little to go on, I worry about you

I'd finally trained myself not to wonder so much

I'd settled on hoping for the best for you

I'd tried to let the anger, hurt and resentment go

I'm no longer angry although it does still hurt

Mostly I'm sad that I wasn't allowed to be there

Now I just wait and hope for some of what was before

Clearing Head

Knocked a little off balance

I write for a reason, for me

But each "you" is someone

Few of them read these words

Today the right one read the right words

I'm a little shaken yet extremely grateful

36

I hope today someone made you feel special

I hope you feel that every other day too

With everything you are; you are unique

You deserve the best in life and all that you do

Your hopes, your dreams, your desires

Live them and be all that you can be

Six word story

Must have.
Lost.
Rise above.
Live.

Vent (excuse the language)

I fucking hate having to think about this

It shits me big time that I'm the one doing it

It's not like you're fucking stupid, or have an excuse

It's not even just one of you right now, there's two

Neither of you even appreciate anything I've done

It's taken for granted that I'll sit back and take it

Is it so fucking hard to act appropriately

Even if you were just a little grateful I'd not be so pissed



Okay I feel a little better now...

It still pisses me off though!

Fleeting Feeling

There are times when I just think too much

Too much about what I should be doing

Too much about how I should be feeling

Too much about where I should be heading

All this simply takes me back to where I've already been

To what I've already done and what I've already felt

Leaving me with only what I am, what I do and how I feel

It doesn't feel like enough to be me, here now

The lights have all gone dim on the path I followed

I'm left in the dark again not knowing which way, or even if I turn

Back at it

Playing catch up now

Getting stuck here and there

Being told to hurry up

Brief procrastination

Reminding myself why

NaNo NoNo

Okay so my NaNo attempt has got off to an extremely slow start. It didn't help that I had no idea what I was going to be writing about until the hour was upon me to start writing. My biggest problem was Rose and her story (which is much bigger than the draft I'm putting here it seems). I was so stuck on her and where I know she's going, there was little room for a new idea.

Now at least I have a vague idea of where my story begins and where it will head, it's just a matter of getting it down. So far, life has got in the way of that part quite a bit. As a result I'm barely off the mark. Having said that, I'm still excited to see if I can do this, even though I'm expecting the story to be rather crappy.

My first week is going to be an absolute shocker, but I plan on making it up after that and I'm definitely not giving up! So many times I start things and fail to finish them for various reasons, the biggest of which is the fear of failure itself. I think I'm doing this simply to prove to myself that I can!

Apologies in advance if most of my posts this month revolve around NaNo, but I'm determined to focus.

Keep Smiling folks! :-)

Why

It's just after midnight

A new day and a new month

What the hell was I thinking

I doubt I can even get close

I'd get nowhere if I didn't try

So I'm giving it a shot, I'm insane!

Let it begin....

Good Luck to any other poor souls!

Nudge

Just wanted to move other post down a little.
Made a few changes around here, what do you think?

Flashback

I haven't listened to this CD in such a long time

Because I simply can't help but think of you when I do

It reminds me of that night, we both enjoyed so much

It reminds me how safe I felt, how comfortable I felt

It reminds me of our love, our friendship, of our closeness

I sit here now with fresh tears flowing...

It reminds me that it is all gone...

Off on a rant

It's been a long time since I've had a rant about anything in blog form. It's not that nothing has fired me up but I just figure there are plenty of other people who rant so much better.

In the last few days I've read three separate stories which have got under my skin.

For those not wanting to click away, the first is from Poland where a 14yr old girl hung herself with a skipping rope after being stripped by several boys in front of her class and having them simulate raping her. All of which was filmed on someone's mobile phone.

The second story is from here in Aus., and is about a DVD which was being sold in several Victorian schools. The DVD was made by and featured up to a dozen boys (16-17yr olds) who, amongst other things, filmed their sexual assault on a developmentally delayed 17yr old girl.

The third story has hit the headlines here today and features quotes from a Sheik. apparently from an address he gave last month during a Ramadan sermon. One of the quotes:

"If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it ... whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?"

The Sheik is comparing the "uncovered meat" to women. There is some debate over the context of these lines and others. The initial headlines were referring to rape, others are saying he was merely talking about sex outside of a marriage. (If you ask me, the context is almost irrelevant as his whole view of women is pretty fucked up.)

Okay, so there we have the three stories. So many things disturb me about all of these stories. It saddens me that these are just three stories and yet I know there are countless others from here and around the world. Sexual assaults happen far too regularly in this world. I'm wondering what we are doing about it.

I look at these stories as a woman who has been raped and also as a mother raising a son. We have children failing to be taught respect for women, or just all people. Our children are failing to be taught anything about sex and what it means. What are we teaching our children for them to think that this behaviour is acceptable? In the case of the boys who made the DVD, there were some parents who were aware of it's existence, and it's content, and they did nothing about it (at least until the media got a hold of the story and ran with it) because they put it down to nothing more than a bit of a joke. Then we have a Sheik speaking to the muslim community in this country and basically giving men an excuse, because the women are just a piece of meat offering themselves to the animals. Is it any wonder we've had several high profile rape, and gang rape cases against young muslim men who have then tried to use their culture as a defense. At this point it doesn't seem to matter what religion or race you are, the values of sex and women* are simply not being learnt.

My son is not yet of an age where I have to worry about sex but when he is, will all that I teach him be enough? With so many conflicting messages from society and the community will he be able to decide on the right messages? Children are commiting these sexual crimes and thinking nothing of it. Other children are standing by and watching these crimes, saying nothing and that is not okay either. Yet more still are watching the films of these crimes online or buying a $5 DVD in the schoolyard and thinking that they're not as bad, they're only watching afterall. Parents are finding out and sitting back, doing nothing. By doing nothing we are saying that it is okay, that it's no big deal and it doesn't matter.

I for one think it does matter. It is not okay to sit back quietly and think, that simply because it is not your son committing the crime, that it is just a bit of a joke. I can tell you that being raped is never a joke. I can also tell you that it hurts just as much when other people dismiss it as "nothing".

I hope that I can teach my son all the values that need to go with sex and respect for women and that other parents start taking responsibility for what their own children are taught too.


*before anyone mentions the reverse, assaults on men, I'm not dismissing them entirely I'm just not in the position to comment with limited knowledge.

A Chance to Test

Some have told me I've built walls

That I'd not allow anyone new in

I didn't agree but began to question

A chance meeting put it to the test

There is no hesitation in sharing

I was open to all possibilities

But some have been ruled out

Not through fear or unwillingness

They're simply not options in this case

It is good to know several things

I'm not as cold as some would believe

I'm willing, open when it comes down to it

My choices continue to feel right

Fiction Draft ~ Just One Night - Parts 3/4

Part 1
Part 2


8:40pm, Friday

In the safety of the bus Rose began to calm. She stood beside the driver as he drove past the McDonalds and continued down the road. As she felt the shaking subside she realised she was still to pay for a ticket and reached into her bag to retrieve her purse. Thankfully the driver had not yet spoken to her, she wasn’t sure speech was an ability she could master just at this moment. Concentrating on her breathing she counted out the change she needed and took the seat directly behind the driver.

Now that Rose had managed to calm her nerves she looked up into the rearview mirror at the drivers face. He was quite young and, Rose thought, quite handsome. His dark hair was neatly cut, short back and sides, and he only had a slight hint of a five-o’clock shadow. What caught Rose’s attention, however, were his eyes. His eyes were a shade of blue she couldn’t quite name, so clear and bright, so calm and so alive. It felt, to her, like looking into the eyes of a thousand souls who’d each lived for a thousand years, and this was just in the mirror.

It was a few moments before Rose realised the bus was not moving and the lips of the driver were. Mesmerised by his eyes, she’d been staring and now blushed at having been caught.

“Are you ok?” he asked, probably not for the first time.

“Oh …. Umm yes I think so, my nerves are just a little on edge” Rose replied quietly.

She stood up and again moved beside the driver intending to pay her fare and inform him she was going all the way to the train station. This was the first time Rose had actually looked the driver directly in the face, and those eyes.

Out of nowhere she began to hear voices, lots of them all talking at once, no one voice discernible from another, too many to count. To say she heard them wouldn’t exactly be right, it was not sound that traveled through the air to her ears. The voices were all speaking but there was no noise. They were all speaking loudly and constantly as she looked into the driver’s eyes. Putting a hand to the side of her head in a vain attempt to block the noise, it was persistent and overwhelming, she thought that this must be how it feels to lose your mind. No words were reaching her from all of these voices, but plenty of emotion was. These people, hundreds of them at least, were angry, hurt and in pain, immeasurable pain and sadness. Each of these feelings enveloped Rose and they became real feelings to her. An intolerable pain grew from her head and spread throughout her entire body within a moment of her hearing the voices. She tried to grab hold of the back of a seat to steady herself as the pain overcame her. She lowered her eyes.

Concern was etched into the young drivers face everywhere but his eyes. His eyes never changed, they remained clear and bright. He stepped out of his seat in time to catch Rose by her arm as she struggled to remain standing. He steadied her and helped her return to the seat behind him. Without saying another word to her he slipped back into the driving seat and continued on his route. The voices that had been thundering in her head only a moment ago were now fading to a whisper.



9.15pm, Friday

Pulling in to the bus terminal alongside the train station Brad glanced into the mirror, the young woman remained in the seat behind him, still his sole passenger. She had not spoken a single word to him since he’d helped her sit back down. He desperately wanted to ask her about what she had felt during the little episode only minutes ago. Instead he opened the doors, turned in his seat and waited as she stood and moved to get off. She paused for a moment on the top step but without even a glance at him she continued down them. He watched as she walked in front of the bus and away from the station, crossing the road and heading towards the pub on the corner. Brad lit a cigarette and continued to watch as she approached the pub.

Having reached the pub in only a few minutes the young woman stood outside, she looked like she was waiting for someone. Just as Brad was about to let his curiosity die, a man walked up and embraced the young woman. Brad watched as the woman kissed the newcomer on the cheek, surprised at feeling some relief that this man didn’t appear to be a boyfriend. He watched as the two walked into the pub and out of his sight.

Finishing his cigarette Brad again moved into the drivers seat. He was relieved his workday was over, he only had to park the bus and then he was free for the weekend. Now he had plans for the night ahead. He knew he had to talk to that woman. The depot was only a short drive down the road, past the pub she had entered. He glanced in the pub window as he passed, hoping to get a glimpse of her again but she wasn’t in the front bar.

Having parked the bus and locked it up for the night, Brad began walking back towards the pub. Thinking to himself, as he walked, of the best approach to talk to this woman. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the memory of feeling sheer joy and happiness overwhelm him, as it had when he looked into her eyes for those brief seconds. Brad had never felt such happiness before, so content in that moment. He remembered hearing babies giggling and children laughing, wondering where the sound was coming from. For that moment he felt energised beyond anything he’d felt before. He longed to experience that feeling again. He wondered why the woman had almost collapsed, shaking, what had she felt in that moment?

He stood on the footpath outside the pub, looking inside at the dimly lit front bar. Hesitating to walk inside to look for this woman he knew nothing about, this woman he just had to speak to. Seconds turned into minutes, as he stood there, now unsure that he hadn’t imagined the feelings and sounds he’d heard back on the bus. A young boy laughed and Brad turned around, not really expecting to see the child, he didn’t. He took a deep breath and walked inside.



© 2005

You

There are some of you I feel I've neglected

There is no reason or excuse for this

I've been a little off, a little unfocused

I have been thinking of you often

Just felt the need to say that




Will blog properly later many thoughts, no sequence yet :-)

Fiction Draft ~ Just One Night - Part 2

Read Part 1 first.

8:30pm, Friday

Brad turned the bus’ lights off and opened the door thankful that he was early and could have a cigarette. He’d parked the bus at the first stop on his next, and final, route of the night. He maneuvered himself out of the driving seat and stood on the bottom step as he lit his smoke. Looking up the street, he saw his first four stops, he could see as far as the McDonalds sign before the road curved to the right. The only waiting passenger was at the shelter just before the shopping centre, definitely female from that profile, he smiled as he thought.

Brad closed his eyes as he took another drag on his smoke, at thirty-five it was his only remaining really bad habit and he enjoyed every second of every cigarette. He reasoned that his time in the gym and working long shifts allowed him this one vice. He checked his watch, still a few minutes before he had to get going. Although he had no plans for the rest of the night he was looking forward to the end of his shift. As much as he liked driving the bus, by Friday night all he wanted was to sit down somewhere quiet with a beer and not have to listen to the relentless chatter of people, young and old.

Faint voices carried through the night air and Brad again looked in the direction he was soon to drive. There was now a group of people, mostly young men by the looks of it, nearing the bus shelter. The group came to a stop when they reached the shelter and appeared to crowd in front of the young woman who was still seated. The voices he could hear were too faint to make anything of them.

He took another drag on his smoke and checked his watch. Something about his waiting passengers, the woman in particular, was making him uneasy. He didn’t have a sister or wife, but if he did he certainly wouldn’t want her traveling alone at night. He put out his cigarette, even though it was only half finished and it still wasn’t quite his timetabled time to leave, and maneuvered himself back into his seat. He wondered how some of his co-workers, with their middle age spread, managed to squeeze past the ticket machine to the drivers seat.

As he started the engine, closed the door and turned the headlights on Brad didn’t take his eyes off the group down the road. It was too dark to see what they were doing, they were all too close together. He put the bus into gear and pulled out behind a dark green Ford Falcon, the only other vehicle traveling on the road at that moment.

He traveled the several hundred metres to the shelter quite quickly and pulled up. He had been right, there was one woman and he counted six young men, probably in their twenties waiting at the shelter. The group only noticed his impending arrival at the sound of the high-pitched squeal of his worn brakes. Brad opened the door and turned the interior lights on. His eyes focused on the young woman, now standing and clutching her bag, and remained fixed. To him she looked shaken, frightened even. The young men were still crowded in front of her, now blocking her access to the bus, but made no move to themselves get on. Not a word had been spoken since Brad opened the bus’ doors and all eyes were on the woman.

“Excuse me fella’s, you want to get on the bus or get out of the way?” Brad eventually asked, more politely than he was inclined to be.

One by one the men turned to face him, still silent. Their expressions spoke volumes when they did face him. None of them were happy about his arrival, but slowly they stepped aside. Head down, the woman made her way to the bus and stepped onto the first step. As she did one man reached out and grabbed her by the elbow pulling her close to him and whispered something in her ear. Visibly shaking the woman freed her arm and climbed the remaining steps. Brad closed the door behind her and began to drive even before he’d taken her fare.


© 2005

Fiction Draft ~ Just One Night - Part 1

8:15pm, Friday

Rose walked with her head held down, watching but not seeing as she crossed each crack in the concrete without stepping on even one. She was lost in her own world of thoughts as she made her way to the bus stop. Rose was twenty-five and had never found it necessary to get a drivers license. She lived and worked in areas where public transport was mostly reliable.

She was happy to be different, in fact she prided herself on those minor differences. While her peers had always dressed in their trendy label clothes, Rose always opted for comfort and her own tastes. When Rose turned seventeen and all her friends had booked their driving tests for their birthdays she had instead simply celebrated. Now as she reached the bus shelter, and read the timetable only to realise she had twenty minutes to wait, she sighed and sat on the dented aluminium seat. While the neighbourhood provided reliable public transport it wasn’t a place that made a young woman traveling alone at night feel safe.

Rose placed her handbag on her lap and opened it to look for her compact, turning sideways on the seat so that the streetlight above shed her some light. She found it at the bottom of the small bag and opened it to look into the small mirror. Having only spent half an hour getting herself ready Rose thought she had done well. Her make-up was flawless, although she still wasn’t sure the toffee lipstick had been the right choice. The time it took to get ready was reduced due to the new haircut she was sporting. Rose had shaved her hair very short, to the amazement of her family and friends and all in the name of charity, just a few weeks ago. She put the compact back in her bag, happy that she looked just as she had when she’d looked in the mirror before leaving home.

Crossing her legs and leaning back Rose again praised herself on her latest clothing purchase. The new charcoal jeans she was wearing were a size twelve and she had been surprised to fit into them. She was also glad that having lost some weight she hadn’t lost any from her chest. The pale pink singlet she had on made the most of her body’s natural curves.

As she sat Rose looked across the street. Watching the car park of the small local shopping centre slowly empty. Next to the centre was a McDonalds which, as is often the case, had become the meeting place for young people before they head out elsewhere. Rose watched as a group of young men walked through the car park, having just left the McDonalds, and made their way to cross the road. She counted six, but there may have been more, the shadows of the trees that lined the footpath made it hard to see clearly. Each of the men she could see, and now hear, as they got closer, seemed to be in their late teens or early twenties. Several of them were wearing white muscle shirts two sizes too small paired with pants two sizes too large. They apparently call that fashion, she thought to herself.

Rose looked up the street hoping the bus would arrive before the young men got much closer, but it wasn’t yet in sight. She was nervous, without really knowing why. Holding her bag just a little closer she reminded herself that not all young men in the area were thugs. All the articles in the local newspaper looking for young perpetrators of muggings, break and enters and an array of other crimes were the exception, not the rule. She felt only slightly more comfortable knowing that she always carried some money and her keys in the pocket of her jeans. If anyone wanted to take her handbag they could have it. This line of thought was not uncommon for Rose, she was at times overly cautious when it came to human nature, some may even call her slightly paranoid.

The group was at the side of the road when Rose looked back, waiting for several cars to leave the car park before they could cross. She could hear fragments of conversation, not enough to know what they were talking about, and occasionally the group would break into laughter. Just a group of friends heading somewhere for a good night, Rose thought to herself, I just hope they don’t need a bus to get there too. As the young men crossed the road Rose saw one of them look towards her and smile. She turned and looked up the street, again hoping to see an approaching bus.

© 2005

Revisiting Rose

Back at the place that shall remain nameless I began to write a fictional story which I posted in parts as I did them. I never got around to finishing them at the time. Well I've managed to find it again (bit of drama there between nameless site going down, my failure to get around to transferring everything and a new computer) and I'm hoping over the next few weeks/months, depending on how long it ends up, to finish it off.

So I'm starting from the beginning again, I'll post the original 5 parts plus the 6th, which is written already, fairly quickly and then hopefully the rest at least regularly. I'm hoping that by doing this it will get me further back into my writing since I'm still not quite where I want to be, but I'm now wanting to write more.

So hope you all enjoy it, again.

Roundup

Well we survived the holiday

Not quite as relaxing as I'd have liked

More social than I anticipated

But a good getaway none the less

Little Boy went back to school today

For once he looked forward to it

I'm not aware of further "buttplug" comments*

Three frustrating days searching for Brad and Rose

I found them, will get reacquainted this week hopefully



* Little Boy spent time with a couple of teenage boys while we were away and picked up some of their more colourful language, briefly

Howdy

Just a quick note to say hello :-)

You've all been blogging away and I'll have to wait 'til I get home to catch up (apart from the rather entertaining shit happening over at Tom's blog hehe You are a bloody drama queen Tom). I've been down here 4days, or there abouts, yet it feels like at least twice that! Went to party, which was not as bad as I anticipated and I was drunk anyway. Have had people coming and going the whole time I've been here. Managed to get a swim in yesterday although it is debateable just how good an idea that was, it was a little cold. I haven't had my pen and paper out AT ALL, so that idea went out the window pretty quickly. Well that's it in a nutshell, will blog properly when I get home!

Off, off and almost away...

Boring rambling to follow.....

I don't really have a lot to say but I wanted to blog before I went away so here it is. It's school holidays again and so I'm taking Little Boy down the coast for a few days. we don't leave until Friday afternoon but I think I'm going to be flat out before then. I'm actually looking forward to getting away for a few days, it should be interesting if nothing else.

I'll finally get to witness my sister's relationship first hand and see if I think as little of it after that as I do now. I'll be able to catch up with Dad and see how he's dealing with one less daughter at home (sort of). I'll be able to spend some time with my other Sis too. She's getting older now and I want to form that close relationship I now have with her sister. I should also be able to take more pics out and around the place, so much to capture down there.

Little Boy is looking forward to it all too, even if he does miss out on seeing the V8's run at Bathurst. I'm hoping it will be warm enough for us to get some swimming in, he could use the practice.

I'm also going to try to spend a little time each day writing. After my challenge to blog every day for a week, I'm now going to try to write every day for a week (you know, with a pen and paper) and maybe that will kick me back into gear properly.

Some Change, You don't

My heart races and blood boils

I don't know why, I'm not surprised

It has always been the same

The intervals of reason are shortlived

Each ends with the selfish prick returning

It has always been this way, always will

I'm not surprised, I expect nothing else

Still, now and then, it gets under my skin

It annoys the fuck out of me, I'm pissed off

Eventually, you won't have the choice

At some point it will be completely out of your hands

My hope is that then you will open your eyes

You will realise all that you've taken for granted

You will see everything you've missed out on

The sad thing is, you probably never will...

Shhh

Sometimes I need a little time to hide away

When I don't have to please anyone else

When I barely even want to speak

I don't have to curl into a ball in a corner

I don't have to shut myself away indoors

I can be on my own, hiding away, anywhere

In the most public of places, I managed this

To be quiet, to be alone, to focus my attention

Randomosity

So my little self imposed challenge seemed to go well. I managed to do 7-8 posts in as many days. Perhaps not quite what I had hoped for as far as content goes but I still did it.

Now a week has passed with no posts again. The up side of this is that I don't feel like I'm stuck in that rut anymore, I just haven't had anything worth saying. I've started work on a few other little projects and so my creative energies have been elsewhere. I'm also going out tomorrow for the sole purpose of taking photos, which I'm really looking forward to.

So in a nutshell... all is good in my blogland head and I think I'm back to my normal (if maybe sporadic) posting.

Now I'm going back to watching the Swannies preliminary final. My prediction is that they'll get up by at least 4 goals! It's a big call for a finals game I know. I'll let you know in a few hours just how good my psychic powers are.


Update:

YAY SWANNIES!

Sydney 19.13 (127)
Fremantle 14.8 (92)

Grandfinal next week!

Perturbed

I worry that you're becoming isolated

I don't think it's all that complicated

I'm not sure you know all that you need to

I don't think you see all that surrounds you

You're young and naive, yet so headstrong

Would you even admit if you'd been wrong?

The longer it lasts the more I'm concerned

I thought by now that you would have learned

With so much that you could do, become and be

I worry that you'll never be allowed to see...

Who would have thunk it

Okay I'm really struggling today, so I took the easy way out and did a quiz, then another and another and another.... none of them very exciting or tell any earth shattering secrets about me hehe

Proper post tomorrow!

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Your EQ is 133

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

You Are 35% Left Brained, 65% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

You Are 72% Brutally Honest

Most of the time, you tell it like it is. Even if it's hard for people to hear. Sometimes you hold back though, because you never want your honesty to be hurtful.

How Brutally Honest Are You?

Blah Blah Blah

So this is Little Boy, like you needed to be told. This was taken a couple of years ago, three to be exact, but it's still one of my fave pics.

This little challenge I gave myself started out a hell of a lot better than I expected. It was all going well, until yesterday. I had full intentions of putting up some sort of entry but I got carried away going through and sorting old photos on all the unmarked CD's I had around my desk. Then I fell asleep before I could come back to write.

After five days straight of rain, today the sun came out, or at least tried to. I was quite thankful for that. I don't mind the rain, or the mud or even the dark, clouded days but it gets a little boring after a while. I can't even really complain about it without feeling little pangs of guilt. Having been in drought for so long and in dire need of rain it seems a little wrong to then whinge that things are too wet. I'm hoping the sun stays out tomorrow long enough for me to get washing done.

Having had more rain then we usually have for the entire month it was more than a little slushy. Dear, gorgeous, Little Boy reluctantly (is there any other way?) went off to school, without his soccer ball on my request. I got a phone call at lunch time. It seems it didn't matter if he had the ball or not, he still ended up covered top to toe in mud after slipping. Ordinarily it wouldn't bother me too much, after all what's a bit of washing. But he did the exact same thing yesterday afternoon at home, as we were rushing out the door already late! He came very close to getting a crash course in doing his own laundry.

The other major downside to all this rain was that I didn't get to go out and take photos as I'd planned on the weekend. I really want to play with my camera more, maybe even learn how to use it properly.

Okay I've done my obligatory blog post, boring and pointless as it may be, it is done. I figure I'm still on track since I did two in one day the other day, so yesterday's was covered..

Keep Smiling Folks ;-)

In the beginning

A few years ago I spent some time doing a little photography at various motorsport events, mostly in Sydney. I'd never had much of an interest (other than the obligatory Bathurst weekend) before I met Little boy's father. When I met him he was an amateur photographer. While we were together he started his own business and got his foot in the door doing the motorsport photos semi-professionally. As a result of this I would go out to the track with him, spare media pass and second camera in hand, and play around.

Standing just on the other side of the concrete barriers and having cars fly past ended up being quite exciting for me. I absolutely fell in love with the sport and capturing it on film (we hadn't gone digital then). It could also be rather frustrating trying to get the "perfect" shot, or in my case just getting a decent shot at all. Many times we would find ourselves at one end of the track while all the action occurred at the other end. I would get almost giddy after finishing a roll that I thought may have just one good shot on it. I was always very impatient waiting to get the film developed, usually insisting we put the dozen rolls in that afternoon.

The photo above became my absolute favourite, I didn't need to crop it or sharpen it or anything, I loved it totally raw. Besides that I was absolutely chuffed that I'd managed to capture it in the first place. We were at Oran Park standing in the hollow of the "dogs leg" and could see only the small piece of track directly in front of us. The car is actually going slightly downhill but I had a habit of playing with angles. We could hear the cars coming and had to time it as they came over the hill towards us, it took me a while to get the hang of it.

Just when I thought I was getting the hang of taking photos of cars speeding past in a fraction of a second, we went to a motorbike/sidecar meeting and I realised I still had no clue what I was doing.

But I looked on the bright side, I might not have known what I was doing, but at least I wasn't doing something like this..

Here we go again...

Okay you all endured my Finals Fever Frenzy last year when the Swannies ended up coming away with the grand final win. Well finals fever has hit me again, with the first weekend of finals footy upon us (I'm a little quicker this year).

The Sydney Swans met the West Coast Eagles tonight. We went in as an underdog of sorts on the Eagles home turf. The last 10 times these teams had met left a 5-5 win-loss record for each of them, but the record for Eagles home ground matches wasn't as even, actually it looked a little bleak for us (yeah okay I can't remember the exact numbers).

The first quarter started a little rough for us with the Eagles having over 70% possession of the ball in the first 10min. But that number was reversed in the first 10min of the next quarter. It was brilliant, intense and exciting football to watch for the entire game. The lead changed almost with each goal in the final quarter. I sat literally on the edge of my seat as the Swans took the lead in the final minutes and managed to hold onto it until the final siren sounded. We won by one point in the end, but the important part of that is that WE WON! Great performances from Hall (5 goals) and O'Loughlin (4 goals) were a joy to see. Now we get a week off.

West Coast - 12.12 (84)
Sydney - 13.7 (85)


Cheer, Cheer the Red and the White
Honour the name by day and by night
Lift that noble banner high
Shake down the thunder from the sky
Whether the odds be great or small
Swans will go in and win over all
While her loyal sons are marching
Onwards to victory

Grandparents - Part 1

I've tried to think of 5 things to say about each of my grandparents (for the meme style entry) and haven't been able to come up with anything of real interest. Which got me to thinking about my grandparents in general. Some people have very close relationships with their parent's parents, but I can't claim that.

I have a few fond memories of my father's parents, or at least their old house. On further consideration though I think that has more to do with the location and the gathering of my many cousins when we were all young children than it does my grandparents. My paternal grandmother, Dulcie, is a very kind and giving woman, I love her dearly. She lived with her husband for many years in a house directly across the road from a beach, in a small coastal community. I remember visiting, along with all of my cousins, and feeding the birds in the front yard. We would put birdseed in our hands, sometimes even on our heads, and stand very still and we would soon have lorikeets flocking to feed off of us. We'd sit little pieces of raw meat along the railing of the verandah and wait for the kookaburras to come and have their meal with us too. My grandmother would often times spend the morning baking and we would eat biscuits warm from the oven. My grandfather, Tom, was quite simply a cranky old bastard. He would sit in his chair on the verandah and bark orders at his wife and make the most inapporpriate jokes. I actually picture him sitting there with a pair of underwear on his head, not just a ridiculous mental image but a memory.

Dulcie remained married to Tom for far too many years. He was an abusive father when his children were young and most likely an abusive husband. He was never a kind man in my own eyes, nor many of his grandchildren's. For most of my life I've known him as "Crank". She did eventually leave him, a very brave move (in my opinion) from a woman growing up in the era she did. I think by that stage they had been married for the better part of 40years. After their divorce Crank remarried, Dulcie never has.

I saw Crank only twice, that I can remember, with his next wife. The first was at one of my cousin's wedding. The second was about two years after that at another cousin's 21st birthday party. On this second occasion I had my 8mth old son with me, Crank's first born great-grandchild. On seeing my son the only comment that dear old Crank made was that my son "took after his father, he's an ugly buggar." I think it was at this time I really decided that I didn't care for a relationship with him at all. He passed away several years ago from bowel cancer. I didn't shed a tear and didn't attend the funeral.

In complete contrast Dulcie was one of the first to call me in hospital when I had Little boy. She was also among the first to send a present, a small silver money box engraved for my son. While I don't see her very much, she remains my favourite grandparent and is always thought of with nothing other than love. I travelled, with my Dad and sisters, up to celebrate her 80th birthday last year. She's frail and showing the signs of her age much more now, but she is happy and continues to smile. I'm glad that Little Boy has had a few chances to meet and enjoy his great-grandmother's company.

These are the people who gave life to my father and raised him. I know and have seen the impact they have had on him over the years, both the positives and the negatives. While I haven't had a close relationship with them I am of course thankful for many things they are responsible for.

A True Legend

Growing up in Australia it was hard not to become a fan of Motorsport for at least one weekend a year. The October long weekend was time for "The Mountain" to be conquered by the best man. As a kid there was only one driver's name I knew and that was Peter "Brocky" Brock. He was a living legend who ultimately conquered the mountain nine times, rightfully earning him the title King of the Mountain.

By my late teens and when I met Little Boy's father, a mad motorsport fan, I was able to see him race before he retired. He had a legion of fans that spanned all ages. He was at least partly responsible for my own interest in the sport gathering momentum. Not only was he great behind the wheel but he was a nice bloke, a true gentleman. He set the standard for future drivers.

Even after retiring, Brocky was a major ambassador for Motorsport in this country, and continued to race occasionally. Today, at the age of 61, he died doing what he loved and he will be missed by many.

[SIZE="3"]RIP Brocky[/SIZE]
Feb 26, 1945 - Sept 8, 2006

It's a start

Ok so I have a few ideas running around in my head but I need a little more time to get them down. Besides I figured this was as good a place as any to start, and it took me as long to do as a normal entry would, if not longer.

So I stole the idea from Originalism who got it from some else, you know how it all goes. I made my very own little quiz for you all to go and do right now. I don't have the patience to make it a long one and I didn't want to bore you too much.

One down... ;-)




EDIT: Just noticed that half of question 8 has gone missing.. it relates to female friends if you didn't catch on.

I've had enough...

Okay I'm setting myself a challenge of sorts. I've decided that for the next 7-10days I WILL be writing a blog entry each day! I have no idea what they will be or about but hey I'm going to blog!

This one doesn't count hehe

It's All About

There are some people who think only of themselves

At times I'm surprised when I recognise one of these people

Other times I expect nothing more from one I already knew

Even knowing this, I'm still disappointed by an action

Maybe I'm just kicking myself for hoping for change

Perhaps it's just that I'd like to be more selfish

An Admission

Hello my name is Ted and I am a scrabble-a-holic.

The last game I played ended 9hrs and 46min ago.

I have come to the conclusion that since my blogging has basically come to a standstill, I've had to replace it with another outlet for words and this has come in the form of scrabble (Yes, it sounds just as ridiculous to me). It has also given my overly competitive and cocky side an outlet. The more I win, the more I want to play.

Just like a sex addict I'm not picky about who my fix comes from, I don't even have to know their name. As long as I'm getting it hard and fast, with the occasional slow, tension building fix in between, I don't care. You don't even have to respect me afterwards. On further thought perhaps this new addiction is a replacement for sex.

Even when I'm not playing I find myself working out prospective scores if used on double or triple word squares. The ever elusive (70pts right there*) seven letter words plague my waking(28) and sleeping(72) thoughts.

I've also moved into the realm(14) of "dealing", introducing my mother to the offending site a few weeks ago. I was of the belief that as she used to beat me playing old school scrabble on a board, that she may be a worthy opponent. I've since realised I was very much mistaken, it is now painful(74) to play against her and watch her give away triples, among other offences, repeatedly.

The positive(76) side of this is that I'm constantly increasing my vocabulary. Being of a curious nature I often find myself checking the meanings of words allowed which, until then, I'd never heard of. I must admit I know more words than I know meanings as most of the time I'm simply more interested in remembering them for my next game. I would never have known that words such as zo, zoon, zooid and zoonic existed(80) and were all to do with animals, or that a dzo is a hybrid of a yak and a cow.

I do not plan on giving up any time soon, and I guess if it has allowed me to write this entry (sad as it may be), which is the most I've written in one go in literally months, then it can't be all bad.

Oh and Ben if you're not already a member of the ISC, may I suggest you become one. I figured I could play you for your usual stakes of sexual favours, just in my case you could pay up to (or collect from) Heiny and he could thank me later.



*This score and subsequent scores are based on a double word square being used and take into account the 50pt bonus for all tiles being used, but do not take into account any secondary words

Plodding Along

Some would assume my silence indicates a life

I can assure you that is not the case

I'm still travelling the same old path

I'm not getting any, but...

Ok everyone else is doing these, I did the first one back at the other place so I'm just reposting it... I never got around to the second one so here it is now..


I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on. have done in the past, don't think I would now but I never say never ;-)
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building. (wtf???)
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines. sometimes, but not enough to go out and buy them
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs. since my only current lover is myself I'm definitely not happy! (that's what I said 8months ago, my lover hasn't changed but i'm a little more content now)
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac. They have, if only they could see me now
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis. (again that's what I said 8months ago, now I just believe I'm always difficult to live with, nothing to do with sex)
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night. it was a very long night ;-)
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.


1. Have you ever had sex in the snow (clothed or otherwise)?
No

2. Have you thought about sex yet today?
Only a handful of times..

3. Do you think prostitution should be legal?
yep

4. How important is a great sex life for your life satisfaction and happiness?
I used to think it was essential, i've learnt there is life after sex and i'm much happier not having to deal with another person (for now anyway).

5. Would you most likely have oral sex or intercourse first in a new relationship?
oral is just foreplay...

6. Have you ever broken up with someone because the sex was not great?
It doesn't have to be "great" all the time, i'd settle for good sometimes, but yes i've broken up with someone because the sex was terrible.

7. How would you like your partner to introduce new sexual activities?
often....

8. With your present or most recent regular partner, do you schedule sex or let it happen spontaneously?
I never schedule it...

9. Have you ever pulled your partner's hair during lovemaking?
I don't think so, i've left a few scratches down some backs though...

10. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?
yep

11. What's your take on sex in the shower?
It's all good..

12. Have you ever slept with someone due to drunkenness?
yep

13. What's your take on snowballing (passing semen back and forth orally)?
is that when you forget to swallow?

14. Have you ever accidentally called your sexual partner by another name during sex?
don't think so..

15. What's your take on female lubrication?
wet is good..

16. Have you ever had food (veggies, sausages) inserted into your vagina?
nope

17. What do you generally think about during sex?
you're not meant to think, better to feel..

18. Have you ever visited a nude beach or a nudist park?
nope

19. During penetration, what is your preferred style?
I have a couple of faves, but like variety..

20. How do you feel about having sex with your partner even though you aren't really in the 'mood'?
I'm not often not in the mood, and I'm easily persuaded, but if it ain't happening it just ain't going to happen..

21. Have you ever tasted your own vaginal secretions/ejaculate?
yep

22. Can you feel the muscular contractions of your partner's genitals when s/he reaches orgasm?
yep, and I like to tease with those "contractions" too..

23. Do you talk to your friends about your sex life?
as i don't have one, not much to talk about at the moment, ordinarily only sometimes..

24. Have you ever seen other people having sex, and if so, how close were you to them?
yes, ummm just out of reach and didn't know them..

25. Are you happy with the appearance of your genitals?
uhh i guess so..

26. Does your partner know exactly the number of sexual partners you've had in your lifetime?
I'm not sure I know exactly...

27. What do you think is the ideal age for losing your virginity?
everyone's ideal is different, i was not quite 15..

28. When you start dating a new person, on which date do you usually have sex?
has been on the first, has been several weeks/months later, depends on the chemistry..

29. Have you ever slept with a friend?
yep

30. Do you use sex toys?
not often..

31. Do you enjoy anal sex?
nope

32. How often do you have sex?
at the moment it's ohh about once in 18+months....

33. What's your biggest turn on?
uhhh so many different things

34. What's your biggest turn off?
men at the moment...

35. Ever had sex in a public place? Where was it?
yep, beach, park, national park.. they're the first that come to mind..

36. Have you had sex with more than one person (a threesome or group sex)?
nope

37. Ever been embarrassed being caught having sex?
can't remember ever being caught..

38. Have you ever had sex while tied up or blindfolded?
yep, both..

39. How often do you generally orgasm during sex?
It he's doing it right, at least 3 times..

40. How would you define your sexual orientation/preference?
I guess has to be straight... but open..

I know it's a poor excuse for a blog, hopefully I'll have something more soon. i do appreciate all of you still coming by :-)

In 30? no 20min..

ok it's after 2am ... i've had a few drinks and i've had enough of this not blogging bullshit!!!

So i'll make my excuses now for typos and language ... if it's bad .. too bad!!! (oh and my apologies)

I'm now going to start the clock and see how i go.....

2.09am

So why am I drinking, for starters... No real reason hehe ... Tom left not too long ago and we'd decided to have a few drinks together just 'cos we hadn't for a while. I had an inspection on my place today. The owners came this morning (after not seeing the place for almost 3yrs) and while it doesn't really stress me leading up to today it did thisd morning.. But all went well and it was over in about 15min .. what a waste of stress!

It's holidays for Little Boy... has been for almost 2weeks, he goes back to school on Tuesday. I can't say that it has been much of a struggle, he's been with my Mum most of this week. We had a wedding last w/e and he's been there since. He came home on Friday, a little sick but not too bad, was home for about 6hrs and was then off to his fathers... I'm not even going to go there...

I haven't had Little Miss at all this last week ... so basically i've had nothing on my plate .. and almost nothing on my mind. This whole no writing bullshit and no blogging crap has still been bugging me to a degree but i've just decided to let it run it's course. I don't care if I write dribble or ... actually i only ever write dribble ... or nothing i'm just going with it.

The world cup came and went with only a little mention from me, probably because the only other mention it would have had would have been unrecognisable through the foul language had i typed it when i thought it. The wedding was good.. or at least an excuse to get drunk for the first time in quite a while.. but still a non-event and so went unwritten. The week procrastinating came and went. I've had a little more contact with Brother's new live-in g/f but even that is not worth putting into words.

The only thing i've been feeling is missing my boy, and that gets boring in blogland and besides i'm not sure i could put it all into words that would make sense to anyone.

Bloody Tom went out and bought "Guitar hero" and managed to get me hooked on that. He's also the reason I've been drinking tonight but then he went home and piked nice and early.

Phil blogged the other day, yes i've been reading if not commenting, about a dream he had. His one (as far as interpretation goes) was pretty straight forward even if it sounded a littel weird in his description. Well, anyway, last night i had a dream which was a little weird, especially since it was the second time i'd had it... i haven't looked anything up yet to try to get some sort of "meaning" from it. I was basically standing somewhere, who knows where, with my arms raised out at shoulder height and with a bear on each side with my hands in their mouths. They were biting my hands but hadn't broken the skin, basically just crushing the bones. I wasn't freaked out by them exactly but i didn't like it (makes sense now) and then someone, I don't know who although i did "know" them, came up with a gun and blew the bears' heads off. Was kinda weird the first time i dreamt it... the second time just a little more freaky!

Well it's 2.29 now, only 20min but I want a smoke so i'm cutting this now... you're going to have to deal with the bullshit i type until my mojo comes back :-)

Same Same

In general I don't like coming across blogs where the writer feels the need to explain a lack of posts, yet here I find myself. I don't so much feel the need to explain myself to you, any of you who may read this, but I feel the need to work out a "why" for myself.

This topic came up during a chat tonight. A theory was put to me about why I've been in such a funk as far as my writing goes.

"I think it has to do with the overprotective life you're living"

"yup. you've shut yourself away from emotional investment."

"so now, while safe and sound in your cacoon, life has become dull and routine."

Now while I don't completely disagree with any of that (although I'm not sure I like the word "overprotective") I don't think it explains my problem. No matter where I've been at in life, I've always had the will to write. In the last few years that writing has been in blog form, for the most part, but not all. These last few weeks/months (I don't even know how long) I have had no desire to write at all, in any form. My life at the moment is rather settled, and yes I'm single. I guess that means I'm not emotionally invested in too many people, and certainly not anyone new. This has been the case for the last 18mths or so, and it is only in recent months that I've found myself in a funk.

"yes, you have. but sooner or later, you were going to run dry of emotions to talk about, daily events to share, the trials and tribulations of life."

"you've settled into a routine and maybe that's what you really need, I can't possibly say for sure, but it's a fairly quiet and peaceful time for you right now which really slays the desire to spill your guts."

Again I don't disagree completely but, there's always a but, it doesn't explain it to me. Part of what has been driving me mad lately is that my lack of desire to write has extended to commenting on your blogs. I still read and enjoy so many people's writing but when I get to the end of it where I'd normally say something, nothing is there (or very little). As much as I want to let people know that what they write has again touched me, made me think or laugh, words don't cooperate.

I've never been one to write about the daily goings on of my life. I write what I feel, what I think or I just babble about what ever takes my fancy at the time. While my life is settled I definitely still have things that I would ordinarily write. I don't need to have a significant someone in my life to bring my emotions to the surface. I continue to question myself and my life, I still have plenty to say, to share. I just don't know how or when I'll be able to.

Hopefully this entry signifies some sort of return to "normal" blogging for me.

Out of my Depth?

I've never really looked at parenting as black and white

There isn't really a right and wrong way of doing things

Although there are some definite "things not to do"

When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified

I was not much more than a child myself, I had no clue

I loved being a mother from the very first moment

I struggled to work out the practical side of having a baby

From the feeds, to the deciphering of cries, to walking and talking

Yet I managed, mostly on my own from when Little Boy was young

As he grew from a baby to toddler and into Little Boy, I grew as a Mum

I am still learning what my role is as he discovers the world and who he is

I'm working out that the years until now were truly the "easy" part

I'm once again doubting myself and my actions in parenting him

I'm realising that I have nothing to go on, no "ideal" or "worst case"

I can only allow him to be who he is, and help guide him to who he wants to be

I'm constantly asking if what I'm doing is enough...

Insipid

This whole no writing thing is starting to annoy me now. I've had this window open at least half a dozen times today, ready to blog and still nothing happens.

I've had no real highs and no real lows that compel me to write and I've had nothing come naturally. When I blog (or write in any form) I don't think about what I want to say. I don't make sure something is worded properly or that it makes sense. I write what is foremost in my mind, in whatever form that comes. I like it this way. But there is an exception to everything. Now I find myself wanting to put pen to paper, or cursor to screen, and there is absolutely nothing there. When I say "nothing" I mean NOTHING!

My mood along with my life has been rather bland the last few weeks. While that's not necessarily a bad thing it certainly limits creativity.

My New Hero

For the first time ever I've just watched an entire soccer match, a World Cup one none the less. OMFG what a match! I think Tim Cahill just may be my new hero*! First ever goal for Aus in a WC and then the win!

Australia 3 - Japan 1

* Yes I know there is nothing all that heroic about soccer, but we are a sport loving nation!

Funk

I'm still around

Nothing to write

I will when there is

Everybody is doing it...

Well my computer is fixed, not that there was all that much wrong with it.. it just didn't like to stay on.. I did this the other day but didn't get to post it..



Some of it is surprisingly accurate.. the rest is bullshit.. you decide..

You are an Analyst


Your attention to detail, confidence, sense of order, and focus on functionality combine to make you an ANALYST.


You are very curious about how things work, delving into the mechanics behind things.


Along those lines, how well something works is usually more important to you than what it looks like.


You find beauty and wonder mainly in concrete, functional, earthly things.


You are very aware of your own abilities, and you believe that you will find the best way of doing things.


Accordingly, problems do not intimidate you, as you believe in yourself.


You trust yourself to find solutions within the boundaries of your knowledge.


You don't spend a lot of time imagining how things could be different—you're well-grounded in the here-and-now.


It is important for you to follow a routine, and you prefer the familiar to the unknown.


Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts


You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.


Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.


If you want to be different:

Try to embrace the imaginative, creative part of your personality more often.


Try moving beyond the things that you find comfortable—open yourself up to a broader range of experiences.
how you relate to others


You are Advocating


Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.


Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.


One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.


You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.


You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.


Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others.


Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.


As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.


Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts


You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.


Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.


If you want to be different:


While it's important to think about others, don't forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.


Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it's difficult to find people to trust, it's worth the effort.


When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.

Who's Old Now?

I looked at my father a little over a week ago and realised that not only is he bald (he's been bald a long time) but he is now quite grey. Before I knew it words had left my mouth and were not so welcome. For his b'day he received red hairspray (not from me) to cover his grey hair and he wore it proudly. He was told stories of a friend of a friend who'd dropped dead the day after he turned 50. He laughed it all off, saying he had 6 more days 'til his actual b'day.

The night before his b'day a celebratory dinner was being cooked and a couple from down the road were invited. As my father sat at the table waiting for his guests and his dinner he let out a sudden scream of pain, slid off his chair and landed on the floor clutching his leg. My sisters fired questions at him to find out what was wrong and were told he had a cramp. While my 16yr old sister burst into laughter, my (only slightly) more considerate 18yr old sister grabbed Dad's foot and bent it back and forwards to try to relieve the pain. Dad's loud moans of pain continued, the cramp was in his thigh and not his foot. My thoughtful sister also considered this a good time to remind Dad (a smoker of 40yrs) that he should give up smoking as she's seen the ads about gangrene in the feet of smokers. Dad's thoughts, meanwhile, were of the friend of a friend who dropped dead, deciding he was about to go two days early. !6yr old continued with her uncontrollable laughter and as all this happened the guests walked in the door.

I was told all of this over the phone when I called on Dad's b'day to see how 50 felt. I had pains in my stomach from laughing by the time he decided I was as bad as 16yr old and handed the phone over to her.

Karma can be a bitch.

Today as I stood in front of the mirror, brushing my hair and considering a haircut, my heart skipped a beat. I leant in a little closer (I even thought of going to get my glasses). I segregated one hair with my fingertips and tugged. I looked at it from root to tip, my jaw dropped. It was grey! Horrified I looked back into the mirror, leaning in close separating my hair slowly. I found two more! That's when I decided to stop looking.

For a few minutes I was fascinated by the strand of hair I held in my fingers. Twisting it and pulling it. Ive never looked so closely at a single strand, it was so white, appearing almost clear. It came from MY head.

I'm only 27 for fuck's sake!

Quick One

Ok, first of all...

My brand new computer has issues, so I'm on Tom's at the moment 'cos I wanted to do a quick post (the next one). I should have my computer fixed in the next couple of days.

I can't go visiting right now so my blog alerts will have to wait but I just wanted to say to..

Dani, if I miss you before you leave, have a GREAT holiday hun! Make sure you blog your adventures and share plenty of photos with us all!

Phil, enjoy your trip with your family! You don't have to blog while you're away but take plenty of photos ;-)

There now that my life lived vicariously through others has been put into place I'm happy.

Keep Smiling folks.

A Half Century on the River

Well I've been back a few days but have only been able to jump on the computer here and there. In 45min House is on, Little Boy is in bed reading but I still have to get Little Miss there, so what I don't get written right now just has to wait.

The couple of days away was fairly relaxing (I wrote about my father's place a while ago (here) if you want to read about where "away" is...). One of my sisters informed me that it was the first time I'd been down to see them without Little Boy. Once I started to think about that it kinda spun me out. In just over 8yrs I've not been "away" without the boy, mind you he's been down plenty of times without me. I had Tom there to (at least sometimes) act like the child I was missing.

My mind was also spinning at the fact that the main reason I was there was for Dad's 50th b'day. My Mum informed me that he'd told her she was "over the hill" at age 26 and that I could now return the message to him. I've never thought of my Dad as old (not that 50 is all that old) but it's such a nice round number it's only natural to think about it now. There are other times though, when I think he seems well and truly past the half century. There was one moment (or three) while I was there, I wondered if early onset dementia hadn't kicked in. On being asked about CD's he might be interested in he proceeded to tell us, in a long-winded rant, that he needed the CD put on, play/record hit on the tape deck and the music put on cassette. When asked why, his only response was something about being able to listen to it while my sisters weren't home to use the cd player for him.

I was also reminded that he is relatively young to have a 27yr old daughter, he was a grandfather at 41. Each time I go down for a party I'm introduced to people, some I've known for up to twenty years. For some it is a simple reminder, or a reminder to me that I'll never be a local like the rest of them. I've come to the realisation that I will always be the "forgotten daughter". Some remember me as a child or as the rebellious teen (helped by my father's stories of being called to the vice principal's office) who left the small town for the big city.

I've been sidetracked... where was I.. oh yes, the weekend and the party..

The weekend started out with a day in town. The typical small-town markets and walking around for a few photos (playing with new toy). We ended up in the park to watch the music which was part of the "River of Art festival" we'd unknowingly arrived in time for. The only thing of note to come from that was seeing The Spooky Men perform, the first time wasn't bad anyway. Oh and the whining of Tom that his "hot chocolate was too hot" and so he couldn't return to the park to see a former "party pash" perform was amusing. The latter part of the afternoon was spent watching my sisters play hockey. It was the first time I'd seen them play and as hockey was never a sport I played, or had any involvement in, I had no clue what was happening and Tom wasn't any help. But we endured the freezing wind and sat shivering through the entire game.

We got home to dinner being cooked by friends who'd arrived from Canberra that afternoon. It didn't seem at all strange to me that when we all left the house that morning it wasn't locked (it never is). The visitors let themselves in when they arrived, revved up the stove and put some wood in to begin getting dinner. The suggestion alone of leaving a house unlocked in most places would result in stakeouts and break-ins by the laziest of crooks.

That'd be bloody right.. House is a repeat.. but the kids are in bed..

Sunday was party day. I have fond memories of "River parties" as a kid. Everyone who was anyone along the dirt road to town would get together for birthdays, or any other excuse. It was always BYO grog and meat for the barbie. The adults would all sit around the place chatting and telling stories, while us kids would run around sneaking bottles of beer nobody missed and laughing at our parents as the night grew late. The atmosphere was always very relaxed, we were hardly ever told what to do, afterall we couldn't really go further than the river (nor would we want to after dark, it could be more than a little creepy). Things haven't changed all that much in the last twenty years. I don't have to sneak beers anymore, I can take my own grog.

So anyway, we made it home Monday afternoon in plenty of time for me to pick up Little Boy from school and take him to swimming. I've had Little Miss since yesterday afternoon and will have her 'til tomorrow sometime. I'll also be picking up my new computer tomorrow!

Depending on just how much time I spend playing with my new toys and working out what the hell I'm doing.. I should have some photos up within a few days (nothing exciting mind you). There you have it, the past weekend summed up into a boring little blog entry, only a few days too late.

:-)

Back Soon

Inspiration and motivation lacking this week

I'm heading away for a few days

Will be back next week to catch up

Keep Smiling folks ;-)

The sun doesn't really go into the water...

Little Boy has taken great pleasure this past week in telling me, "I might have a present for you Mum, or I might not!" I find it a little scarey that he can keep a secret so well at such an age, surely he'll only get better. Not once was he tempted to tell me any more than that one line, and I didn't ask. His secret keeping has been proven before. He managed to keep my birthday pressies secret for months, literally. I was blown away back then at the extent of his secret keeping skills. But I digress..

Yesterday we spent a few hours at my sis' place looking through old photos in search of one in particular (quite the task and not quite successful). We made it home around dinner time. Little Boy locked himself away in the bedroom and gave me strict instructions that I was to stay on the computer and out of his way. As he was getting ready for bed he thought out loud, "You don't eat breakfast Mum, so I won't bring you that in bed.." to which I smiled and told him that was okay. He then told me, "The only things you have to do tomorrow is get dressed and cook... oh and go to the shops." As I tucked him into bed, turned his music down and kissed him goodnight, his final words of the day were "I want you up at 8, that's when I'll be ready!"

He woke me up this morning very proud of himself as he'd already had breakfast and got dressed without being asked. He then came in gave me a kiss and a cuddle and said "Happy Mother's Day" as he handed me his self-made card. "I drew it all myself and it was all my own ideas," he told me. Then he proceeded to hand me three presents which I opened, still half asleep, as he sat beside me. He told me that he headn't chosen two of them, a mug and some bath salts, but told me he'd chosen the last. It was a wooden, book-like photo album with a frame on the front in the shape of a heart. He went on to say, "There was one with a circle on the front, but I chose this one so that you can put a photo of me in there, because you love me."

We spent the rest of the morning laying on my bed chatting and watching music videos. The array of questions he came out with ranged from, "Why do we have white skin but other people have black?" all the way through to "How was gravity invented?" He thinks we're very lucky that we haven't fallen off the face of the earth, living "Down Under" and all.

What more could I possibly need..

Happy Mother's day to all of you Mums!

But...

I think I should have skipped the computer/online world today

It's done nothing but cause me trouble and pain

So okay maybe I bring it on myself, just a little

It started out innocently enough when I jumped online

I only wanted to check mail and say hello to people

Nothing worked, not even email, and I gave up quite quickly

Choosing instead to back-up and clean-up bits and pieces

BIG MISTAKE

I've spent well over an hour reading old chats and emails

From one particular person, some from as long as 3yrs ago

I don't see this person anymore, I doubt I'd really know him now

Maybe I didn't know him then, but thinking that hurts too much

The words which were so powerful when first expressed, now empty

Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, hope he's well.. happy

I even thought that I was okay with, most likely, never seeing him again

I'm not! Just reading the words, I felt a fraction of how he made me feel

I was reminded of what I am missing out on, of what had been, what is gone

I have never felt the strength of those emotions with anyone else

Words simply can not do justice, they never could, no one ever understood us

We weren't partners, not in a relationship.. We didn't need to be

That he was in my life at all, for the years he was, I am thankful..

His absence has left a void, that I thought would heal, I'm not so sure anymore.

It seems so pointless, so hurtful and unnecessary, I'm still lost...

I don't know if I'm capable of feeling so strongly, so completely, again...