Essentially Incomplete

Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you

I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to

The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete

I do not write for any form of external validation

What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write

But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words

An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing

It had been locked away after it was used against me

Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here

Don't Grow Up

Like most kids I couldn't wait to grow up

And I did, quicker than most in many ways

As you reach the teen years you realise

It may not be all you had initially thought it was

But then you hit that magic age, 18, an adult at last!

You have a voice that is heard and a vote that counts

You no longer need that fake ID to buy smokes

You can legally club and drink all night long

You join the working masses

You have independence and there's no turning back

The "real world" isn't so magnificent

Work, bills and responsibilities slap you in the face

Over and over again

You find out just how much, or how little

Growing up really happened in all those years

Then the cycle begins again with a new generation

As a mother now I find myself desperately trying

Trying not to make the same mistakes as my mother

Trying not to make too many new mistakes

Trying to hold onto my son's childhood

How do we know when we're getting it right

Do we only find out when they've grown up

Over

Exhausted: Mentally and physically

Tired: Can sleep in my bed, alone

Disappointed: Small let down, will be easy to forget

Confused: Men

Happy: Good friends will always bring back a smile

Home: With my boy, nothing like it

Awake

There is a fine line between harmony and chaos

Balancing can be difficult when you can't see that line

Often times happiness and discontent are then not far apart

How much of our lives do we consciously choose

How many days do we stroll through mechanically

Only to open our eyes one morning to the realisation

That now we are here we must choose where to go next

I need a way to keep my eyes always open

To be aware of where I am heading

To avoid surprises of where my subconscious has led me

I need to start thinking with my head!

Overwhelmingly Discombobulated

I don't find it easy to trust

I am cautious of who I allow into my life

Those I do allow in, I give my all

I do enjoy the company of those I care about

I feel extremely lucky most of the time

Other times, completely overwhelmed

I sometimes see myself as a burden

I wonder what I could possibly offer

Scared of disappointing or becoming tiresome

In the effort to please others

I lose sight of what truly pleases me

Feeling pressure that may only exist in my head

I'm being pulled in several directions

Each with its own merits and downfalls

Perhaps the pulling is merely my own perception

Maybe I won't disappoint

Is it selfish to choose for my own benefit

To give less to others and allowing to give to myself

Blind

So quick to judge

So many false assumptions

Bitter words, ultimately empty

It is not I who you know

Nor do I know you, I don't care to

There is no reason

He is who I'm getting to know

He is who you know

You are quite irrelevant to me

You only hurt yourself with your actions

Smooth Sailing

Nothing ever runs smoothly

Why would I expect it to.

I laughed as I read to my son

"Oh, The Places You'll Go"

"You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose"

So simple it sounds

To a child of six 'tis a story alone

To anyone else it reminds us

We are the creators of our destiny

"And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done."

Perhaps that manual I was after

Can be found in the words of Dr Seuss

"All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot."

Surrounded by people

Yet more often than not I am alone

"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 per cent guaranteed.)"

There is hope for me still!

After the day that I've had

I'm grateful I can still laugh!

Forever

There is a certain pleasure in finding someone and falling in love

Nothing can compare to that feeling and nothing can replace it

There can be similar pleasure found in finding a friend to love

The connection of heart and mind is formed and designed to last forever

All designs are flawed and rarely does forever last that long

The pain felt when you're hurt by those you love is also unique

Sometimes the only forever within that connection is the loss

Today I made contact with a friend who had said forever

We both had hurt and been hurt, I thought there was no return

Sometimes when it looks as though all is lost

You just need to take a moment to not only look, but step forward

Today I smile, a friend has returned and perhaps this forever will be

Trying

I attempt to live IN each day
I don't wish to know what tomorrow brings
I already know what yesterday held
It is today that makes a difference

As with anything, an attempt is not always successful

The tomorrows hold little fear for me
Yesterday seems intent on staying close at hand
And today is in danger of passing too quickly
I need not go back from where I came

Perhaps it is purely a choice that somehow must be made

Am I truly a creation shaped by all of the past
It may not be beneficial to forget my yesterdays
Yet surely to remember all serves a lesser purpose
Do I find the common ground as I get older

Lessons in life still to be learnt, but it would seem I lost my manual

Open

I'm a very open person with people close to me

They know that I love them and they know everything about me

I also like to know everything about them

This is easier for some than it is for others

I don't judge or use things against people

They learn this given time

I can't know what another thinks without being told

So it is appreciated when I am

Thankful

Upon waking this morning I knew it was going to be a hard day

A restless nights sleep complete with miserable slide-show of memories

I'm yet to realise what it is that triggers these nights

But they are most often followed by a day of endless mind fucks

My seemingly self-induced nightmares follow me through to the daylight hours

I suppose I should be thankful they no longer permeate my every night


I do have many things to be thankful for

I must consciously remember that

Part Of Me

It's not so much that I don't know which label applies,

I don't need any one label, I have many.

I'm trying to remember who I am, to me.

What makes those labels fit me.

Which are temporary or malleable.

And which are unyielding and constant.

I am a mother, first and foremost, always.

Friends know that and accept it as a part of me.

I need not worry that it is a burden on them.

I need not modify my actions or behaviours.

A friendship with me comes within a package.

It cannot be extracted for simplification.

Nor should separating the "mother" from the "friend" be asked of me!