Surviving the Days ... and the Weeks and the Torment.


Words I write don't necessarily make sense to you... I don't expect them to, maybe I don't even want them to... The thoughts are written fragmented and incomplete! I do not write for any form of external validation.. What you read may not have the same meaning as what I write... But do not underestimate the personal significance of my words! An essential part of who I am is only evident in my writing... It had been locked away after it was used against me... Everything you need, in order to hurt me, is right here!

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Update in a Nutshell

Well the Christmas season is apparently over for another year. I travelled up the coast last week to give Mum and her sister a hand with the preparations. For two days we shopped, cooked and laughed the time away. The following two days were spent eating, drinking and a little more laughing. We had enough food to feed several small countries (or at least almost 30 of us) for both xmas lunch and dinner: turkey, ham, pork, chicken, roast veggies, several salads. Followed by pavlova, fruit mince pies, tiramisu, frozen christmas dessert and banoffi pie for dessert. If we weren't eating we were preparing the next meal.

Best friend, his g/f and their boy Jett (almost as beautiful as my Little Boy but with a little more fur) made it up for a few days and met most of my family for the first time. He's still talking to me so it can't have been too traumatic for them all. Jett provided endless hours of entertainment playing with my Aunty's girls (also rather furry) and best friend played the hero by putting out a fire.

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Little Boy joined us for Christmas day and enjoyed being completely spoilt by Santa and the family. He had to head back to his Dad and their camping trip the next morning. I'll be spending New Year without him again, before he comes home later in the week.

I made it home yesterday and had my last xmas dinner for the year at my brother's place, where Little Miss had the good fortune of being on the receiving end of the spoils this time. Another enjoyable night with a little too much to drink but all in all I'm so glad it's all over.

Now as another year comes to an end I'm left wondering if I'm being all I can be and doing all I can do. We take many things for granted but this past week has reaffirmed for me that family and friends should never be among those things.

Perhaps the dawn of a new year will bring with it some insight. Catch you all in 2007. Keep Smiling!

Friday, December 29, 2006

Is it over yet?

I made it home

A rather enjoyable xmas break

Tired now, need sleep

Will update tomorrow

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Some-bloody*-thing

So I've been a little on the quiet side. I've been lurking around and keeping up with all of you though!

I found a little Christmas cheer these last couple of weeks and have managed to get all of my shopping done, saving me the much feared and loathed trip of christmas eve shopping. Little Boy has just left with his Dad, leaving me alone for the night with plenty to do in order to be ready to leave tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be heading north with Mum and helping her get things ready for the ever growing family christmas gathering. This will be the first year in many that we'll be spending the festive season with my Aunty and cousins, never short of a drama, it should be an interesting few days. So far there's only one thing on my list of "I know nothing" dramas which may or may not be a point of contention.

As this is most likely the last christmas mum will be around, at least for now, I'm hoping it goes smoothly enough. I just re-read that line, my mother is not dying or at least no quicker than any of us who each day become one day closer to death, she's just setting off travelling in the new year and will be gone for as many years as it takes. She's living her dream which was put off for all these years for the sake of us kids, and then the grandkids. Okay I've gone off on a tangent there and completely forgotten the point I was going to make.

Anyway, I haven't left many comments around here lately, but I hope you know that I'm thinking of you all. Hopefully words will become my friend again sometime soon and I'll be able to stop babbling and actually put some coherent (I'm not that fussy they only have to be coherent to me) sentences and thoughts together again. In the meantime...

I just wanted to wish you all a very enjoyable Christmas.
I hope that you spend the time with those you love,
doing whatever it is that makes you happy.

[SIZE="3"][COLOR="SandyBrown"]A little something from me to you![/COLOR][/SIZE]



* That was just for you FH hehe

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Overdue Purge

Okay I'm starting the clock and seeing what comes out in the next 30min.

I've been trying to blog for a few days but just haven't managed to get even a line on the screen so I figure this is the way to go. I've been a little on the down side I guess you could say. Well actually not really down as such, just kinda blah.

I haven't even begun to get organised for Christmas yet. I'm not feeling the festive mood yet and it all just seems like a lot of work. Little Boy wants to get the tree up this week and I keep wondering if it's even worthwhile since we won't even be here for christmas and he will only be home one weekend in the meantime, but we'll do it anyway. I am looking forward to getting away for the week around Christmas and hopefully bestie coming away too and getting to spend some time with him and his girlfriend.

The recent contact from a friend I thought had gone forever took me by surprise, to say the least. I've been through a roller coaster of emotions from just a few simple emails, from sheer joy in hearing from them to sadness for their situation and anger for all the unanswered questions I have. I'm not the most patient of people and so the waits in between contact annoy the hell out of me. It would be so much easier for me if I could just get a few things sorted right now, no more what if's or wondering. It annoys the hell out of me that the situation is consuming so much of my thoughts too, yet I can't help it.

I'm not generally a very forgiving person I don't think. It takes a lot to really get to me or to lose my trust and friendship but once it's gone it is usually gone for good. I don't see the point in wasting time on people who have hurt me before or who are entirely selfish. But there are always exceptions. There are some people who could (and have) caused a hell of a lot of pain and yet I'll still be here for them. I can't even really explain what makes them different to other people other than the connection I have with them. There is a problem with this though, in that it isn't exactly easy to regain that friendship after being burnt. I'm working on it and doing the only thing I can, being honest, but I'm worried it won't be enough and I'll only end up hurt again. Meh!

It's only been 17min but I don't want to keep going down the track that my mind apparently does. Apologies for this rather bland and boring entry folks but it's not in me to delete it.

Monday, November 27, 2006

A Rant in History

So this is the headline that caught my eye today, Premier, MPs fail test of history. The story stems from the findings of a recent report.

"A report commissioned by Australia's education ministers has found most high school and primary school students lack understanding and basic knowledge of Australia's history and constitutional structure."


Well it seems this isn't too hard to believe when even (some of?) those who ordered the report struggled to answer even a basic question on our history correctly. From my own experience I know that during my school years Australian History did not feature all that prominently. Even in my high school years, when I studied Modern History as an elective subject, Aus. History was one of two topics we could as a class choose to study and as the final decision came down to the teacher it was not what we were taught as he decided it was "too boring". Mind you the version of historical facts taught in those days was not completely accurate (we were still under the teachings that Cook was the first European to discover our land) and lacked severely when it came to history of our colonisation, or as some would say, the invasion of this country. From my understanding we have moved a couple of steps forward in that regard, not nearly enough though in my opinion.

Anyway on reading this story I decided to give Drew a mini pop quiz and see just how much he was picking up on our country's history and political workings, keeping in mind that the children used in the aforementioned report have a couple of years on him.

Do you know why we celebrate Australia Day and what happened on that day?

To tell how long we've lived here. That's when Arthur Phillip came to Australia with the First Fleet. They came here with all the convicts to make a nice settlement here.

Who is our Head of State?

Oh I know, The Queen, Elizabeth.

Who is our Prime Minister?

Now? John Howard. The first Prime Minister I'd have no idea.

Who is our, NSW, Premier?

Kim Beazley, oh no it's Morris Iemma

Why do we celebrate ANZAC Day and when is it?

I can't remember what day it is but I know why. I think it's 26th of April (me - nope it's the 25th, so why do we celebrate it?) we celebrate it like for remembering all the people who died at war. (Me - do you know what happened on that day a long time ago?) uhh no, tell me please. (I gave a brief description of the Anzac’s landing near Gallipoli) That sounds very sad Mum.

Who is our Governor General?

Uhh Governor? for what I don't understand. (me - that's okay I can't remember his name at the moment either)


For an eight year old I don't think he did too badly. The thing about all of that is that I know it has been me to teach him most of it, of course the school has taught a little but that's mostly reinforced what he already knew. I remember sitting down at Circular Quay with Drew when he was just 3-4yrs old. We sat there for a few hours with him asking me the names of all the ferries and boats coming in and out of the harbour, he was anxiously waiting for the ferry with his name on it (yes there is one with one of his names). On seeing a Captain Cook cruise boat he asked who Capt. Cook was and received his first history lesson. My mother was delighted when she called, while we were still sat there, and spoke to him on the mobile asking who "discovered" Australia, where the First Fleet sailed in and settled and in what year. Drew was in awe that boats had sailed into this harbour all those years ago and that there were no buildings.

Quite a while later, when Drew had started school, I picked him up from kindergarten one day and remember the following conversation:

Me: Did you have a good day?

Drew: Yes, I got a question right.

Me: Oh that's very good, what was the question about?

Drew: The teacher asked us who Captain Cook was and I was the only one who got it right.


He was so proud of himself, and the subsequent merit award he received for those particular efforts.

He has also risen in the very early hours of the morning of April 25, and travelled into the City with my mother for the dawn service. Obviously in doing this it raised a lot of questions in his mind as to just why he was doing it. They were questions he had answered.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in a very long winded way, is that a child does not receive their entire education within the school grounds and nor should they. Of course I believe they should be taught our history, an accurate one at that, while they are at school (along with a lot of other things which aren't always done to our liking) and they should be taught how our government works and how it was put into place. But we as parents should have all of this information too and be able to share it (not to mention in order to make informed voting decisions etc). Children are naturally inquisitive and if they are given real answers to the questions they ask it will inspire more questions. In my opinion, part of our job as parents is to keep that inquisitive nature alive and well fed. Many times I've been caught off guard and Drew has asked a question that I simply have no clue of the answer, so if it is at all possible I find it for him. Too many people it seems avoid real conversations with their kids, which to me, makes them just as responsible as the schools, if not more so, for their kids ignorance.

In Motion

I think I need to "purge" my thoughts

But I don't think now is the right time

I'm a little worried what would come out

Much has been on my mind these last few days

With only a little to go on, I worry about you

I'd finally trained myself not to wonder so much

I'd settled on hoping for the best for you

I'd tried to let the anger, hurt and resentment go

I'm no longer angry although it does still hurt

Mostly I'm sad that I wasn't allowed to be there

Now I just wait and hope for some of what was before

Friday, November 24, 2006

Clearing Head

Knocked a little off balance

I write for a reason, for me

But each "you" is someone

Few of them read these words

Today the right one read the right words

I'm a little shaken yet extremely grateful