Starting the Clock

I'm putting 30min on the clock, for the first time since I made the move over to here, and having a mind purge. For those of you who don't know, s.i.c came up with this type of post, which is timed and unedited, basically a stream of consciousness type thing. So here goes....

I had my grandfather's funeral yesterday. I've rarely had to deal with death, not close to me anyway. I've only ever been to three funerals, all of them have been vastly different. I pretty much take death as part of life, it will happen to us all eventually.

Both of my biological grandfathers passed away last year, I didn't shed a single tear for either of them and I didn't attend either of their funerals. I didn't know one of them at all, I'd literally met him once. The other I hadn't seen for a number of years, he was an angry, rude bastard for as long as I could remember, we called him "Crank". I'd never liked him and couldn't pretend to simply because he had died. I don't see the point in showing something you don't feel.

Yesterday was different, this was the man I had thought of as my Grandfather my entire life. He was my Mum's step-father but he was the only man she ever considered her Dad. He was a gentleman and he will be missed. He is much better off now than he had been at the end.

With a death there is always that time of reflection. Of wondering if life is being lived as much as it could be. This with the dawn of a new year and the fact that it is my birthday today is adding to my period of reflection. Each new day of this year has been a long one for me. I made a promise to Little Boy several months ago (when I failed my last attempt) to give up smoking when the new year came around. I have kept that promise, it has obviously been a huge motivation but it hasn't made the cravings any less. I am getting older and feeling it too. I know I'm not "old" but I'm beginning to feel it. Perhaps it has something to do with how I've been keeping my hands occupied while giving up smoking, but I feel much older than my years.

I'm the youngest of my mother's children (the eldest for my father). I've always been a "little sis". Naturally the age gap diminishes when you reach adulthood and continues to shrink. Having spent a lot of time with my brother in recent months that age gap seems to have inverted itself and I feel like his older sister at times. I'm finding it strange.

Little boy has been gone for almost 2 weeks. I've spoken to him twice in that time. I miss him. He will be home again early next week and we have a few weeks of holidays to fill in. I'm looking forward to spending the time with him. Hopefully we'll head down to my fathers for a week and be able to enjoy some of the summer in and around the river. He's growing up so quickly, his b'day is only about a month away. Time passes by without us even noticing. Sometimes it feels like months and years have gone by in the blink of an eye. Little boy's first words, first steps were not so long ago.

Well 30min is up, I'm a little all over the place today, but there you have it...

Keep Smiling ;-)