In 30? no 20min..

ok it's after 2am ... i've had a few drinks and i've had enough of this not blogging bullshit!!!

So i'll make my excuses now for typos and language ... if it's bad .. too bad!!! (oh and my apologies)

I'm now going to start the clock and see how i go.....

2.09am

So why am I drinking, for starters... No real reason hehe ... Tom left not too long ago and we'd decided to have a few drinks together just 'cos we hadn't for a while. I had an inspection on my place today. The owners came this morning (after not seeing the place for almost 3yrs) and while it doesn't really stress me leading up to today it did thisd morning.. But all went well and it was over in about 15min .. what a waste of stress!

It's holidays for Little Boy... has been for almost 2weeks, he goes back to school on Tuesday. I can't say that it has been much of a struggle, he's been with my Mum most of this week. We had a wedding last w/e and he's been there since. He came home on Friday, a little sick but not too bad, was home for about 6hrs and was then off to his fathers... I'm not even going to go there...

I haven't had Little Miss at all this last week ... so basically i've had nothing on my plate .. and almost nothing on my mind. This whole no writing bullshit and no blogging crap has still been bugging me to a degree but i've just decided to let it run it's course. I don't care if I write dribble or ... actually i only ever write dribble ... or nothing i'm just going with it.

The world cup came and went with only a little mention from me, probably because the only other mention it would have had would have been unrecognisable through the foul language had i typed it when i thought it. The wedding was good.. or at least an excuse to get drunk for the first time in quite a while.. but still a non-event and so went unwritten. The week procrastinating came and went. I've had a little more contact with Brother's new live-in g/f but even that is not worth putting into words.

The only thing i've been feeling is missing my boy, and that gets boring in blogland and besides i'm not sure i could put it all into words that would make sense to anyone.

Bloody Tom went out and bought "Guitar hero" and managed to get me hooked on that. He's also the reason I've been drinking tonight but then he went home and piked nice and early.

Phil blogged the other day, yes i've been reading if not commenting, about a dream he had. His one (as far as interpretation goes) was pretty straight forward even if it sounded a littel weird in his description. Well, anyway, last night i had a dream which was a little weird, especially since it was the second time i'd had it... i haven't looked anything up yet to try to get some sort of "meaning" from it. I was basically standing somewhere, who knows where, with my arms raised out at shoulder height and with a bear on each side with my hands in their mouths. They were biting my hands but hadn't broken the skin, basically just crushing the bones. I wasn't freaked out by them exactly but i didn't like it (makes sense now) and then someone, I don't know who although i did "know" them, came up with a gun and blew the bears' heads off. Was kinda weird the first time i dreamt it... the second time just a little more freaky!

Well it's 2.29 now, only 20min but I want a smoke so i'm cutting this now... you're going to have to deal with the bullshit i type until my mojo comes back :-)

Same Same

In general I don't like coming across blogs where the writer feels the need to explain a lack of posts, yet here I find myself. I don't so much feel the need to explain myself to you, any of you who may read this, but I feel the need to work out a "why" for myself.

This topic came up during a chat tonight. A theory was put to me about why I've been in such a funk as far as my writing goes.

"I think it has to do with the overprotective life you're living"

"yup. you've shut yourself away from emotional investment."

"so now, while safe and sound in your cacoon, life has become dull and routine."

Now while I don't completely disagree with any of that (although I'm not sure I like the word "overprotective") I don't think it explains my problem. No matter where I've been at in life, I've always had the will to write. In the last few years that writing has been in blog form, for the most part, but not all. These last few weeks/months (I don't even know how long) I have had no desire to write at all, in any form. My life at the moment is rather settled, and yes I'm single. I guess that means I'm not emotionally invested in too many people, and certainly not anyone new. This has been the case for the last 18mths or so, and it is only in recent months that I've found myself in a funk.

"yes, you have. but sooner or later, you were going to run dry of emotions to talk about, daily events to share, the trials and tribulations of life."

"you've settled into a routine and maybe that's what you really need, I can't possibly say for sure, but it's a fairly quiet and peaceful time for you right now which really slays the desire to spill your guts."

Again I don't disagree completely but, there's always a but, it doesn't explain it to me. Part of what has been driving me mad lately is that my lack of desire to write has extended to commenting on your blogs. I still read and enjoy so many people's writing but when I get to the end of it where I'd normally say something, nothing is there (or very little). As much as I want to let people know that what they write has again touched me, made me think or laugh, words don't cooperate.

I've never been one to write about the daily goings on of my life. I write what I feel, what I think or I just babble about what ever takes my fancy at the time. While my life is settled I definitely still have things that I would ordinarily write. I don't need to have a significant someone in my life to bring my emotions to the surface. I continue to question myself and my life, I still have plenty to say, to share. I just don't know how or when I'll be able to.

Hopefully this entry signifies some sort of return to "normal" blogging for me.

Out of my Depth?

I've never really looked at parenting as black and white

There isn't really a right and wrong way of doing things

Although there are some definite "things not to do"

When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified

I was not much more than a child myself, I had no clue

I loved being a mother from the very first moment

I struggled to work out the practical side of having a baby

From the feeds, to the deciphering of cries, to walking and talking

Yet I managed, mostly on my own from when Little Boy was young

As he grew from a baby to toddler and into Little Boy, I grew as a Mum

I am still learning what my role is as he discovers the world and who he is

I'm working out that the years until now were truly the "easy" part

I'm once again doubting myself and my actions in parenting him

I'm realising that I have nothing to go on, no "ideal" or "worst case"

I can only allow him to be who he is, and help guide him to who he wants to be

I'm constantly asking if what I'm doing is enough...

Insipid

This whole no writing thing is starting to annoy me now. I've had this window open at least half a dozen times today, ready to blog and still nothing happens.

I've had no real highs and no real lows that compel me to write and I've had nothing come naturally. When I blog (or write in any form) I don't think about what I want to say. I don't make sure something is worded properly or that it makes sense. I write what is foremost in my mind, in whatever form that comes. I like it this way. But there is an exception to everything. Now I find myself wanting to put pen to paper, or cursor to screen, and there is absolutely nothing there. When I say "nothing" I mean NOTHING!

My mood along with my life has been rather bland the last few weeks. While that's not necessarily a bad thing it certainly limits creativity.

My New Hero

For the first time ever I've just watched an entire soccer match, a World Cup one none the less. OMFG what a match! I think Tim Cahill just may be my new hero*! First ever goal for Aus in a WC and then the win!

Australia 3 - Japan 1

* Yes I know there is nothing all that heroic about soccer, but we are a sport loving nation!

Funk

I'm still around

Nothing to write

I will when there is

Everybody is doing it...

Well my computer is fixed, not that there was all that much wrong with it.. it just didn't like to stay on.. I did this the other day but didn't get to post it..



Some of it is surprisingly accurate.. the rest is bullshit.. you decide..

You are an Analyst


Your attention to detail, confidence, sense of order, and focus on functionality combine to make you an ANALYST.


You are very curious about how things work, delving into the mechanics behind things.


Along those lines, how well something works is usually more important to you than what it looks like.


You find beauty and wonder mainly in concrete, functional, earthly things.


You are very aware of your own abilities, and you believe that you will find the best way of doing things.


Accordingly, problems do not intimidate you, as you believe in yourself.


You trust yourself to find solutions within the boundaries of your knowledge.


You don't spend a lot of time imagining how things could be different—you're well-grounded in the here-and-now.


It is important for you to follow a routine, and you prefer the familiar to the unknown.


Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts


You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.


Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.


If you want to be different:

Try to embrace the imaginative, creative part of your personality more often.


Try moving beyond the things that you find comfortable—open yourself up to a broader range of experiences.
how you relate to others


You are Advocating


Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.


Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.


One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.


You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.


You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.


Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others.


Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.


As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.


Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts


You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.


Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.


If you want to be different:


While it's important to think about others, don't forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.


Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it's difficult to find people to trust, it's worth the effort.


When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.