I wonder if people feel embarrassment in the same way others feel humiliation.
I wonder if people feel justified in the same way others feel betrayed.
I wonder if people feel pride in the same way others feel shame.
I wonder if people feel guilt in the same way others feel victimisation.
I wonder if some people feel at all.
Just how subjective is one persons conscience?
And from that can we say that the social conscience may be just as subjective?
For a very long time i did believe it was my fault.
For a very long time i believed that since it was my fault that i should be able to just move on and forget that anything bad ever happened.
And for a very long time that is exactly what i tried to do.
When everyone around you tells you something so convincingly and you tell yourself the same thing, why wouldn't you be able to forget?
I could most of the time.
Then something would happen or someone would say something and my heart would skip a beat, my body would freeze and the fear would engulf me.
But it never lasted long and i would tell myself how stupid it was.
As time has kept going though i have found myself remembering more of what i erased from my mind.
The more i remember the more emotion i feel.
So much anger is within me, not only for the obvious but for the people who called themselves friends, but most of all anger at myself.
Anger that for so long i lived in denial.
Anger that one solitary person could have such an impact on MY life.
Anger that i never made that person pay.
With everything we do we are faced with choices.
Each decision, good or bad takes us to our next choice.
Every now and then we make a choice that becomes a defining moment in our lives.
So which choice was it that I made that took me to that moment, that night?
Like any average 18-year-old I chose to go out clubbing, drinking and dancing that night.
I chose to stay when some chose to leave.
I chose to talk to a stranger.
I chose to believe that most people have good intentions.
I chose to keep drinking.
I chose to keep my friends informed.
I chose to walk outside and say goodnight.
What do you do when you no longer have control of all of the decisions?
I did not choose to go anywhere with him.
I did not choose to get in the car.
Strangers watching chose not to notice the yelling.
I did not choose for the car alarm to be on.
I did not choose to be dragged back into the car.
Strangers watching chose not to notice the screaming.
I chose to keep struggling.
I did not choose to take my clothes off.
He chose to strip me of my clothes along with my dignity.
I chose to keep saying NO.
HE chose not to listen.
Could I have stopped it?
If: -
I chose not to talk to a stranger.
I chose not to believe most people are good.
I chose not to walk outside.
I chose not to be me.
I could have avoided it...
Does that make it my fault???
