An Admission

Hello my name is Ted and I am a scrabble-a-holic.

The last game I played ended 9hrs and 46min ago.

I have come to the conclusion that since my blogging has basically come to a standstill, I've had to replace it with another outlet for words and this has come in the form of scrabble (Yes, it sounds just as ridiculous to me). It has also given my overly competitive and cocky side an outlet. The more I win, the more I want to play.

Just like a sex addict I'm not picky about who my fix comes from, I don't even have to know their name. As long as I'm getting it hard and fast, with the occasional slow, tension building fix in between, I don't care. You don't even have to respect me afterwards. On further thought perhaps this new addiction is a replacement for sex.

Even when I'm not playing I find myself working out prospective scores if used on double or triple word squares. The ever elusive (70pts right there*) seven letter words plague my waking(28) and sleeping(72) thoughts.

I've also moved into the realm(14) of "dealing", introducing my mother to the offending site a few weeks ago. I was of the belief that as she used to beat me playing old school scrabble on a board, that she may be a worthy opponent. I've since realised I was very much mistaken, it is now painful(74) to play against her and watch her give away triples, among other offences, repeatedly.

The positive(76) side of this is that I'm constantly increasing my vocabulary. Being of a curious nature I often find myself checking the meanings of words allowed which, until then, I'd never heard of. I must admit I know more words than I know meanings as most of the time I'm simply more interested in remembering them for my next game. I would never have known that words such as zo, zoon, zooid and zoonic existed(80) and were all to do with animals, or that a dzo is a hybrid of a yak and a cow.

I do not plan on giving up any time soon, and I guess if it has allowed me to write this entry (sad as it may be), which is the most I've written in one go in literally months, then it can't be all bad.

Oh and Ben if you're not already a member of the ISC, may I suggest you become one. I figured I could play you for your usual stakes of sexual favours, just in my case you could pay up to (or collect from) Heiny and he could thank me later.



*This score and subsequent scores are based on a double word square being used and take into account the 50pt bonus for all tiles being used, but do not take into account any secondary words

Plodding Along

Some would assume my silence indicates a life

I can assure you that is not the case

I'm still travelling the same old path

I'm not getting any, but...

Ok everyone else is doing these, I did the first one back at the other place so I'm just reposting it... I never got around to the second one so here it is now..


I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on. have done in the past, don't think I would now but I never say never ;-)
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building. (wtf???)
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines. sometimes, but not enough to go out and buy them
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs. since my only current lover is myself I'm definitely not happy! (that's what I said 8months ago, my lover hasn't changed but i'm a little more content now)
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac. They have, if only they could see me now
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis. (again that's what I said 8months ago, now I just believe I'm always difficult to live with, nothing to do with sex)
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night. it was a very long night ;-)
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.


1. Have you ever had sex in the snow (clothed or otherwise)?
No

2. Have you thought about sex yet today?
Only a handful of times..

3. Do you think prostitution should be legal?
yep

4. How important is a great sex life for your life satisfaction and happiness?
I used to think it was essential, i've learnt there is life after sex and i'm much happier not having to deal with another person (for now anyway).

5. Would you most likely have oral sex or intercourse first in a new relationship?
oral is just foreplay...

6. Have you ever broken up with someone because the sex was not great?
It doesn't have to be "great" all the time, i'd settle for good sometimes, but yes i've broken up with someone because the sex was terrible.

7. How would you like your partner to introduce new sexual activities?
often....

8. With your present or most recent regular partner, do you schedule sex or let it happen spontaneously?
I never schedule it...

9. Have you ever pulled your partner's hair during lovemaking?
I don't think so, i've left a few scratches down some backs though...

10. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?
yep

11. What's your take on sex in the shower?
It's all good..

12. Have you ever slept with someone due to drunkenness?
yep

13. What's your take on snowballing (passing semen back and forth orally)?
is that when you forget to swallow?

14. Have you ever accidentally called your sexual partner by another name during sex?
don't think so..

15. What's your take on female lubrication?
wet is good..

16. Have you ever had food (veggies, sausages) inserted into your vagina?
nope

17. What do you generally think about during sex?
you're not meant to think, better to feel..

18. Have you ever visited a nude beach or a nudist park?
nope

19. During penetration, what is your preferred style?
I have a couple of faves, but like variety..

20. How do you feel about having sex with your partner even though you aren't really in the 'mood'?
I'm not often not in the mood, and I'm easily persuaded, but if it ain't happening it just ain't going to happen..

21. Have you ever tasted your own vaginal secretions/ejaculate?
yep

22. Can you feel the muscular contractions of your partner's genitals when s/he reaches orgasm?
yep, and I like to tease with those "contractions" too..

23. Do you talk to your friends about your sex life?
as i don't have one, not much to talk about at the moment, ordinarily only sometimes..

24. Have you ever seen other people having sex, and if so, how close were you to them?
yes, ummm just out of reach and didn't know them..

25. Are you happy with the appearance of your genitals?
uhh i guess so..

26. Does your partner know exactly the number of sexual partners you've had in your lifetime?
I'm not sure I know exactly...

27. What do you think is the ideal age for losing your virginity?
everyone's ideal is different, i was not quite 15..

28. When you start dating a new person, on which date do you usually have sex?
has been on the first, has been several weeks/months later, depends on the chemistry..

29. Have you ever slept with a friend?
yep

30. Do you use sex toys?
not often..

31. Do you enjoy anal sex?
nope

32. How often do you have sex?
at the moment it's ohh about once in 18+months....

33. What's your biggest turn on?
uhhh so many different things

34. What's your biggest turn off?
men at the moment...

35. Ever had sex in a public place? Where was it?
yep, beach, park, national park.. they're the first that come to mind..

36. Have you had sex with more than one person (a threesome or group sex)?
nope

37. Ever been embarrassed being caught having sex?
can't remember ever being caught..

38. Have you ever had sex while tied up or blindfolded?
yep, both..

39. How often do you generally orgasm during sex?
It he's doing it right, at least 3 times..

40. How would you define your sexual orientation/preference?
I guess has to be straight... but open..

I know it's a poor excuse for a blog, hopefully I'll have something more soon. i do appreciate all of you still coming by :-)

In 30? no 20min..

ok it's after 2am ... i've had a few drinks and i've had enough of this not blogging bullshit!!!

So i'll make my excuses now for typos and language ... if it's bad .. too bad!!! (oh and my apologies)

I'm now going to start the clock and see how i go.....

2.09am

So why am I drinking, for starters... No real reason hehe ... Tom left not too long ago and we'd decided to have a few drinks together just 'cos we hadn't for a while. I had an inspection on my place today. The owners came this morning (after not seeing the place for almost 3yrs) and while it doesn't really stress me leading up to today it did thisd morning.. But all went well and it was over in about 15min .. what a waste of stress!

It's holidays for Little Boy... has been for almost 2weeks, he goes back to school on Tuesday. I can't say that it has been much of a struggle, he's been with my Mum most of this week. We had a wedding last w/e and he's been there since. He came home on Friday, a little sick but not too bad, was home for about 6hrs and was then off to his fathers... I'm not even going to go there...

I haven't had Little Miss at all this last week ... so basically i've had nothing on my plate .. and almost nothing on my mind. This whole no writing bullshit and no blogging crap has still been bugging me to a degree but i've just decided to let it run it's course. I don't care if I write dribble or ... actually i only ever write dribble ... or nothing i'm just going with it.

The world cup came and went with only a little mention from me, probably because the only other mention it would have had would have been unrecognisable through the foul language had i typed it when i thought it. The wedding was good.. or at least an excuse to get drunk for the first time in quite a while.. but still a non-event and so went unwritten. The week procrastinating came and went. I've had a little more contact with Brother's new live-in g/f but even that is not worth putting into words.

The only thing i've been feeling is missing my boy, and that gets boring in blogland and besides i'm not sure i could put it all into words that would make sense to anyone.

Bloody Tom went out and bought "Guitar hero" and managed to get me hooked on that. He's also the reason I've been drinking tonight but then he went home and piked nice and early.

Phil blogged the other day, yes i've been reading if not commenting, about a dream he had. His one (as far as interpretation goes) was pretty straight forward even if it sounded a littel weird in his description. Well, anyway, last night i had a dream which was a little weird, especially since it was the second time i'd had it... i haven't looked anything up yet to try to get some sort of "meaning" from it. I was basically standing somewhere, who knows where, with my arms raised out at shoulder height and with a bear on each side with my hands in their mouths. They were biting my hands but hadn't broken the skin, basically just crushing the bones. I wasn't freaked out by them exactly but i didn't like it (makes sense now) and then someone, I don't know who although i did "know" them, came up with a gun and blew the bears' heads off. Was kinda weird the first time i dreamt it... the second time just a little more freaky!

Well it's 2.29 now, only 20min but I want a smoke so i'm cutting this now... you're going to have to deal with the bullshit i type until my mojo comes back :-)

Same Same

In general I don't like coming across blogs where the writer feels the need to explain a lack of posts, yet here I find myself. I don't so much feel the need to explain myself to you, any of you who may read this, but I feel the need to work out a "why" for myself.

This topic came up during a chat tonight. A theory was put to me about why I've been in such a funk as far as my writing goes.

"I think it has to do with the overprotective life you're living"

"yup. you've shut yourself away from emotional investment."

"so now, while safe and sound in your cacoon, life has become dull and routine."

Now while I don't completely disagree with any of that (although I'm not sure I like the word "overprotective") I don't think it explains my problem. No matter where I've been at in life, I've always had the will to write. In the last few years that writing has been in blog form, for the most part, but not all. These last few weeks/months (I don't even know how long) I have had no desire to write at all, in any form. My life at the moment is rather settled, and yes I'm single. I guess that means I'm not emotionally invested in too many people, and certainly not anyone new. This has been the case for the last 18mths or so, and it is only in recent months that I've found myself in a funk.

"yes, you have. but sooner or later, you were going to run dry of emotions to talk about, daily events to share, the trials and tribulations of life."

"you've settled into a routine and maybe that's what you really need, I can't possibly say for sure, but it's a fairly quiet and peaceful time for you right now which really slays the desire to spill your guts."

Again I don't disagree completely but, there's always a but, it doesn't explain it to me. Part of what has been driving me mad lately is that my lack of desire to write has extended to commenting on your blogs. I still read and enjoy so many people's writing but when I get to the end of it where I'd normally say something, nothing is there (or very little). As much as I want to let people know that what they write has again touched me, made me think or laugh, words don't cooperate.

I've never been one to write about the daily goings on of my life. I write what I feel, what I think or I just babble about what ever takes my fancy at the time. While my life is settled I definitely still have things that I would ordinarily write. I don't need to have a significant someone in my life to bring my emotions to the surface. I continue to question myself and my life, I still have plenty to say, to share. I just don't know how or when I'll be able to.

Hopefully this entry signifies some sort of return to "normal" blogging for me.

Out of my Depth?

I've never really looked at parenting as black and white

There isn't really a right and wrong way of doing things

Although there are some definite "things not to do"

When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified

I was not much more than a child myself, I had no clue

I loved being a mother from the very first moment

I struggled to work out the practical side of having a baby

From the feeds, to the deciphering of cries, to walking and talking

Yet I managed, mostly on my own from when Little Boy was young

As he grew from a baby to toddler and into Little Boy, I grew as a Mum

I am still learning what my role is as he discovers the world and who he is

I'm working out that the years until now were truly the "easy" part

I'm once again doubting myself and my actions in parenting him

I'm realising that I have nothing to go on, no "ideal" or "worst case"

I can only allow him to be who he is, and help guide him to who he wants to be

I'm constantly asking if what I'm doing is enough...

Insipid

This whole no writing thing is starting to annoy me now. I've had this window open at least half a dozen times today, ready to blog and still nothing happens.

I've had no real highs and no real lows that compel me to write and I've had nothing come naturally. When I blog (or write in any form) I don't think about what I want to say. I don't make sure something is worded properly or that it makes sense. I write what is foremost in my mind, in whatever form that comes. I like it this way. But there is an exception to everything. Now I find myself wanting to put pen to paper, or cursor to screen, and there is absolutely nothing there. When I say "nothing" I mean NOTHING!

My mood along with my life has been rather bland the last few weeks. While that's not necessarily a bad thing it certainly limits creativity.