I realised how long it had been since I'd done any writing
Writing stories has always been a kind of escape for me
I sat down yesterday and began a story, I'm very out of practice
I didn't realise just how much I missed the process of writing
For a few hours I was able to think of nothing but the page in front of me
I managed to get out several first drafts, none of which are very good
But it made me feel great to be writing again, giving my mind freedom
I cried myself to sleep last night, something I haven't done for a while
My best friend called yesterday, catching me up on all that's happening
He sounds happy, so I am of course extremely happy for him
I also wrote a letter to another friend yesterday and put it in the post
Little Boy was tucked up in bed and I had a chance to sit down, and think
It occurred to me that I've been gradually sliding back down
At that moment I realised how alone I felt and had been feeling
Not exactly lonely, I don't want a new lover or relationship
I just feel so alone! Not only feel it, I know that I am alone
I also know that it's a result of my own actions and insecurities
I, for the most part, refuse to allow people to get close
Of course I have my family, but they don't have what I'm missing
My best friend still remains there for me, but he doesn't have it either
Something is missing within my own heart and I really need it back
I need it so that I may climb out of this hole and back into my life!
Well it seems sex is not the only thing I'm lacking at the moment
My motivation, which was for a while sky high, has plummeted back to earth
I'm going through a childish phase of "I want what I want and I want it now!"
I know exactly what it is I want to be doing and what I need to do it
If only my name was Samantha and I could wiggle my nose
Or perhaps Jeannie and I could fold my arms and nod my head
As a mere mortal I must be content with waiting, patience is just not my style!
It is only in the last few years I've learnt to appreciate being single
I guess it helped that my choice in men has definitely not been the best
I don't let a lot of people into my life, but when I do it is completely
Which can be all dreamy and perfect, for a while....
I don't believe all men are bastards, at least not all of the time
I also don't believe I need a man to "complete" me
My recent state of singledom has basically been in effect for two months
My problem with being single is sex and my complete lack of it!
(This entry is a great example of my bluntness I think)
I'm not one for one night stands or starting casual relationships
I enjoy the passion and closeness of physically being with someone
I'm slowly going insane at the moment!
A field of purple flowers sway in the morning breeze
Underneath the ever watchful eye of the warming sun
The field surrounded completely by an impenetrable jungle
With shadows of trees reaching forever upward and outward
Eery unspoken dreams whispering through the leaves
Towards the jungles edge and nearing the white sands
Soft and untouched, the sand slopes gently to the shore
An ocean of unrelenting waves roll and beat onto this tiny island
Ships have never set sail upon the undulating ocean
No footprints have ever left their mark in the white sand
Trees have not been climbed, dreams have not been heard
The purple flowers' scent is unknown, these flowers of my mind.
It's a real bitch, choices made as a naive kid come back to bite you in the arse!
Or watching someone else's choices do that, as is my case right now.
I'm having rather a tough time dealing with some family news.
I've been trying to write something, anything, for five days now!
I just can't manage to get my head around anything, including words!
A choice made as an uninformed, naive, "invincible" early teen should be null and void!
Not come back to haunt you emotionally and physically twenty years later!
Throw in with it conditions completely out of a persons control,
You soon have one hell of a fucked up situation!
It is only the beginning of what may be a very short, relatively painless but trying time,
Or it may be a long drawn out battle which brings with it endless challenges!
She shouldn't have to be thinking all that she is, she shouldn't have to face this now, or ever!
There has been enough obstacles to shape her character and mould her very being!
I know that everything in my life has happened for a reason
I don't believe in that one God with a divine plan for all
I wouldn't be where I am, who I am, if I'd made different choices
The good and the bad have all led me to here, today
So many times I've been in "negative" situations
Each time I've come through the other side
I would not have my beautiful Little Boy if anything had been different
If my mother hadn't raised me as she did
If I had not left my mother to live with my father
If I had not returned to my mother later
If I had not failed to finish high school
If I had not started working full-time when I did
If I had not been raped as a young woman
If none or even one of these had not occurred, Little Boy wouldn't be mine!
I am thankful for the life that I have and have had
I may not have all the material possessions, or be exactly where I want to be
There is purpose in everything, big and small, good and bad
Each and every choice I make takes me closer to where I am meant to be
This knowledge doesn't make my fears or pains any less real
It does, however, allow me to see all that I have to be grateful for
Destiny, fate or your God's will simply boils down to your choices, your life!
