Who Am I?

Some people see me as a pillar of strength,
others see me as being in some perpetual state of happiness.
Most people realise that neither can be completely true.

Some people see me simply as a single mother,
some see me as an always open sounding board,
some see me as a hollow shell for them to mindlessly fill.
Most people realise I am a bitch.

A bitch to me is not a negative!

I am always a single mother,
I am most times willing to be a sounding board,
I am some times willing to be a hollow shell mindlessly filled,
And I am most definitely a bitch.

I speak my mind in an honest and sometimes too blunt a fashion,
I don't make time for bullshit, nor do I wish for friends to put up with bullshit.
Yet kindness towards those I care for comes easily and naturally.

I am not immune to sorrow or pain.
Friends can hurt me.
I do feel!

People recently have caused me pain,
whether intentionally or not,
to say it is not "personal" makes little difference!

In this same time a new friend has emerged,
I am not seen simply as a single mother,
I am not seen as an always open sounding board,
I am not seen as a hollow shell,
I am given the freedom to be me.

But now I struggle to realise that I have become lost in other peoples expectations of who I am and who I am to be!

Being

My entire reason for being

The reason I've kept myself going

The incentive to get out of bed each day

The one that made me realise the true meaning of love and life

The one that has taught me more than any other could even imagine

Yet I still FUCK UP!

Helpless

It is hard to see somebody you love go through pain.

It is harder still when you have no comparable situation in your own history.

I claim no knowledge of another person's pain, only my own.

However, I am not completely without empathy.

But what good is empathy?

I am sympathetic, but what good is that?

I am heartbroken that someone I love is feeling so much pain and there is not a thing I can do to alleviate that feeling or make it any better!

Words

Words can be the most powerful weapon,
Used in battle to tear open heart and mind alike.
Words can give the most soothing relief,
Used for comfort to mend heart and mind alike.
Words can take away any doubt,
Used to confirm and assert heart and mind alike.
Words can be left open to interpretation,
Used by the heart and mind alike.

Speak from the heart,
Hear with the mind.
Speak from the mind,
Hear with the heart.

Choose the time to speak at all,
Take the time to hear always.

Times

There are good days and bad

There are good weeks and bad

There are good months and bad

I'm still not sure which one I am in.

So many times you think you get past something

So many times you find you are wrong.

Times when you think nothing at all

Times when you think all too much.

When you see something that triggers memories better left forgotten

You frown, you cry and wonder when the next turmoil begins.

When you see something that triggers a happy memory

You smile and know that happiness is never far from reach.

Would selective memory be an advantage?

Wonder

I wonder if people feel embarrassment in the same way others feel humiliation.

I wonder if people feel justified in the same way others feel betrayed.

I wonder if people feel pride in the same way others feel shame.

I wonder if people feel guilt in the same way others feel victimisation.

I wonder if some people feel at all.

Just how subjective is one persons conscience?

And from that can we say that the social conscience may be just as subjective?

Emotional Rollercoaster

For a very long time i did believe it was my fault.
For a very long time i believed that since it was my fault that i should be able to just move on and forget that anything bad ever happened.
And for a very long time that is exactly what i tried to do.

When everyone around you tells you something so convincingly and you tell yourself the same thing, why wouldn't you be able to forget?

I could most of the time.
Then something would happen or someone would say something and my heart would skip a beat, my body would freeze and the fear would engulf me.
But it never lasted long and i would tell myself how stupid it was.

As time has kept going though i have found myself remembering more of what i erased from my mind.
The more i remember the more emotion i feel.
So much anger is within me, not only for the obvious but for the people who called themselves friends, but most of all anger at myself.

Anger that for so long i lived in denial.
Anger that one solitary person could have such an impact on MY life.
Anger that i never made that person pay.